Shooting For the Moon
by HOLLOWpoint headers
Summary: Sequel: Taking Care of Business. After a tumultuous summer, James and Lily return to Hogwarts without knowing how to live life and accept the past. Together, they must learn to cope with wounds that are too deep to easily heal and too fresh to forget.
1. Surprise

Author's Note:

It's taken me weeks to finally write this, but here it is, the sequel to Taking Care of Business. (If you haven't read TCoB I wouldn't recommend reading this; you've missed a lot.) I won't be updating as often as I did in the last story since finals are coming up and I'll be studying my ass off, excuse the language.

Disclaimer: If you recognize the character or anything else from anywhere in a _Harry Potter_ book, it's not mine. If you don't recognize something, either I created it or you have a horrible memory.

Ch. 1, Surprise

Lily Evans wiped her sweaty palms against her Bermuda shorts and forced a calm smile on her face as she stared at the barrier between platforms nine and ten. She tucked a strand of flaming hair behind an ear and walked straight at it. The strange thing however, is that when she walked into the brick wall she didn't fall over and rub her head; she went right through. Lily wasn't a normal girl, as her shorts and flyaway hair might suggest, she was a witch, and a good witch at that. She was on her way to the best wizarding school in Europe and possible the world, Hogwarts.

Lily stuck her hands in her pockets and hid in the shadows on the magical platform she had reached, watching the crowd for one specific person, all the while denying that she was. She fingered the Head Girl badge in her pocket as her eyes flicked back and forth through the crowd. Spotting her friend, Serena, she smiled and walked over, giving up the fruitless task of spotting James Potter. "He's probably surrounded by a crowd of girls all complementing him and further inflating his head," she muttered ignoring the twinge of jealousy she felt tug at her gut.

Little did Lily know, James was actually standing on the other side of the platform watching her, trying to determine if she was looking for him, her brother, or Serena. He still couldn't believe the summer she had had, and further more the life. James scuffed his shoe on the ground and wondered how she could love anyone after the pain and betrayal she had felt countless times from family, friends, boyfriends and who knows who else.

As James watched, his best friend walked up behind Lily and gave her a huge hug, James smiled as Lily twisted around and hugged Sirius right back. At the end of the summer, Lily had discovered her mother had had an affair with Sirius's father and that they were half siblings. Lily laughed at something he said and appeared oblivious to the surprised stares of her classmates. Lily was known for hating the Marauders, James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus; suddenly she was best friends with one of them.

With a sigh James lugged his trunk up the steps into the train and strolled to the Head's compartment, certain he would see Lily there in a few minutes. He picked dirt from under his fingernails and listened to the muffled laughter of kids in the train hallways. The door creaked and he heard a gasp. Looking up James met the shocked eyes of Lily Evans and smiled, "Surprise."

o0o

Lily studied the woodwork of the Gryffindor table as the sorting concluded. She had been avoiding James's eyes for the past half hour. Their meeting in the train had been nothing short of spectacularly uncomfortable. The no-words-needed communication they had built over the summer had shattered somehow and had left only awkward silence in its place. Neither would bring up the topic of the events of that summer, but both were acutely aware of them at every moment, especially that kiss.

The nudge from Sirius was more then welcome to shake Lily from her daydream. "Do I know her?" he asked gesturing towards the front of the hall.

"We have a new student this year, she will be in seventh year and will be sorted now as we have finished with the first year students," Dumbledore smiled at all his students.

"How the heck do I know if you know some girl, Sirius? " Lily asked as she turned to look at the girl, "You probably hooked up with her on vacation some ti—." Lily stopped when she saw the head of wavy, dark brown hair she knew quite well.

"Namorn, Delia," Professor McGonnagall announced as Lily's _supposedly_ muggle friend sat on the stool, not showing the slightest bit of fear. After a moment in which Lily was sure she didn't breath the hat called, "Gryffindor!" triumphantly.

Delia strode over to the table Professor McGonnagall directed her to, Lily's table, but stopped across the table from Lily when she saw her _supposedly _muggle friend.

"Ummm, surprise?" Delia cracked a half amused smile.

"Surprise is right," Lily answered and smiled back.


	2. Avoidance

Author's Note:

I was so excited when I checked my e-mail and saw how many reviews you guys sent me; you're amazing! And a ton of you put this on your favorites and story alerts. I'm pretty excited you have faith in my writing that you expect it to be good from just the first chapter. Anyways, I'll get to the story now.

-MaRaUdErLoVeR423-, I updated so now it's your turn!

Lily does some serious self-analysis. Delia tells a story or two. And Lily somewhat successfully avoids talking about the summer with James.

Ch. 2 Avoidance

Lily stopped in her tracks and gazed around the room, forgetting for the moment the person behind her until he tapped her shoulder lightly, "Lily, uh— Lily? Wanna get out of the doorway?" Lily stepped to the side but still didn't say anything; James gave her a funny look then glanced at his surroundings. His mouth dropped open, "Wow."

Lily walked over to the bookshelf across the room, loaded with books about every magical topic imaginable, from hexes to herbology. Lily even spied a few muggle books on the bottom shelf. She and James traded a look of amazement, "'Perfectly adequate,'" Lily quoted the Headmaster, "I believe _that_'s what he called this room."

They were standing in a Common Room decorated in red and gold just like Gryffindor except it was loaded with everything a student could want from a mini refrigerator to two desks, one for each of them, with ink, quills, parchment, and even a wand cleaning kit. "I thought I saw him smirking a bit when he said that," James commented, chuckling to himself. _He has a really cute laugh, _Lily thought to herself, _I never heard it over the summer, then again, it wasn't much of a laughing matter…Stop it Lily, _she commanded herself, _It's over, move on. Stop pitying yourself. _Lily despised self-pity.

"Lets check out the bathroom," she needed to see more of something new, to get her mind off the past. James opened the door and Lily was instantly reminded of a toothpaste add, it was that blindingly white, _Like Julia's perfect smile. __**Stop**__ it, Lily,_ she commanded again. Lily forced a laugh, "Oh, God, this is crazy."

At that particular moment Lily started to walk out of the door at the exact same time as James. They got stuck briefly in the doorway, squished together, then burst through falling on the floor, one on top of the other. "Sorry," James said a bit too loud, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Lily. Are you okay?" His eyes were panicked; _you'd think we just fell fifty feet rather then five the way he's acting,_ Lily thought.

"I'll be fine if you get off me, Potter," Lily was able to squeeze the words out of her rather compressed lungs.

"Oh, gosh, I'm sorry," James sat up like a flash and helped to her feet. Lily noticed how much colder she suddenly felt. They looked at each other for a moment, at a lack of anything to say, Lily coughed and James stopped staring so intensely into her eyes. "I guess we have a habit of getting into awkward situations," James stated honestly. Lily's mind flashed back to the alleyway a month before and she instantly blushed. Just a glance confirmed James was thinking about the exact came thing.

"I—um, I'm gonna go, er, check out my room," Lily stated awkwardly. She hesitated as though she expected James to say something. When he didn't she turned with a crooked half smile and walked into her room.

For the third time that day, Lily swore her heart stopped. Unlike the rest of the castle, her room was light and airy with wooden panels covering the crude stone walls, ceiling, and floor. There were several big floor to ceiling windows and one wide one over looking the lake in front of which was a wide and comfortable looking day bed with a squishy patchwork quilt over it. All the furniture was made of driftwood from the ocean with swirling floral patterns covering it. Sheer creamy white curtains hung neatly on all the windows; one fluttered in the breeze from her opening the door. There were several paintings hug between the windows depicting various county sides, full of sunshine and flowers and color. An easel sat in the corner with huge set of paintbrushes and oil paints. _How on earth did they know I paint, _she wondered. A huge looking glass was rested against the wall, reminding her of the mirror at the Potter's and her holding that little boy…

"Man, your room's nice," Lily jumped and spun around to see James standing in the doorway.

"Oh, hi," Lily gave him what she hoped was a convincing smile, "You startled me."

"Oh sorry," the smile seemed to have been good enough for him, "Your room's so different from mine. Wanna see?"

"Sure." James turned and walked out. Lily glanced at her appearance in the glass again, adjusted her hair although it looked exactly the same afterwards and followed him out.

James's room was somewhat Elizabethan looking. She couldn't have expected it to be so, muggle. All the furniture was dark mahogany and the windows were hung with heavy curtains. His bed was covered with huge pillows in various shades of green and white, the dominant colors in the room and the colors of the Tudor family.

"Fan of muggle history?" Lily asked, as she examined a bureau with roses carved into it.

"A bit," James looked a bit sheepish. "Does your room speak to you, like it was made completely for you based on your tastes?"

Lily turned to James with a confused look, "How'd you kn—"

"It's the same for me," James had the expression that said he was quite sure he wanted to day what he was on the verge of saying, "Lily, this summer,"

"Uh, I'm going to go unpack," Lily had to force herself not to sprint out of the room.

"Oh, okay," James answered in a clearly disheartened voice.

Lily closed her door forcefully and sighed in relief, "That was close." Lily couldn't even let herself think about the summer let alone talk about it. She had been at peace for a week after the funeral, for the week Sirius was with her. He was always bouncy and friendly and bright and everything she needed to keep her spirits up. Then he left and she had been alone for the remaining two weeks of vacation. Petunia went on a vacation with Vernon and his family to 'relax' and 'cope'. "Coping's for wimps. I don't need to cope, I just need to move on," she assured herself but her gut told her she was wrong. After throwing a few things in her new armoire Lily gave up on unpacking and left to find some other form of entertainment.

She crept into the Common Room and listened for James. He tripped over something in his room and swore. Biting back her laughter, Lily stepped through the portrait hole and into the hall. First stop was the owlry where she held her owl, Cerci for a moment. He hooted softly into her ear. Lily swore he was trying to speak to her sometimes, "I wish I understood owl," she commented to no one in particular.

"That would be interesting to say the least," came a voice Lily knew quite well.

"Don't you, though?" Lily turned to face her brother who was leaning effortlessly in the doorway.

"I'd rather speak dog," Sirius walked over to join her at the window, "Then again I already do," he added with a smirk that told her he was leaving something out.

Lily laughed and smiled, "What aren't you telling me, Sirius Black? Is that the reason your friends call you Padfoot?"

Sirius gave her a thoughtful look, but it was quickly replaced with an amused one, "You're smarter then you look, Lils," he commented.

"Oh thanks," Lily's voice dripped with sarcasm.

"Hey, have you seen James?" Sirius asked, clearly steering away from the dog topic, "We have a few start of the year pranks to plan."

"I should give you detention," Lily smiled, "but it's too early, even for you. Besides you haven't done anything. Yet." Sirius chuckled at that. "He's in the Head's dorm, just two corridors down, the full size portrait of Marie Antoinette, password's 'Let them eat cake'."

The historical meaning was lost on Sirius, he laughed, "Weird password. Thanks Lily."

"Later." As Lily walked away she felt her emotions deflating, Sirius had that effect on her, he made her forget her problems and just laugh, but once he left her alone agin, she was even more depresed and low. _Maybe I should be a bit more easy-going,_ she thought to herself.

o0o

Two hours later, Lily, Delia, and Serena were flopped on Lily's bed, pounding down chocolate and talking.

"Where'd you go to school before if you weren't at Hogwarts?" Serena asked Delia.

"Well," Delia started, "My mum's French and she said I needed a proper French education so they sent me to Beauxbatons, but, needless to say, I'm not the perfect little lady my mother wanted so they expelled me for pulling pranks. Honestly they were all harmless, and that old bat got was coming for her anyways."

Delia trailed off and they sat in silence for a moment and then burst into uncontrolled laughter. "Do I even want to know?" Lily asked.

With a grin Delia started the tale of he expulsion, Well, you see," she began, "My da insisted I took a muggle studies class since he planned for us to be living with them for the summer before my seventh year. One day they hired some old witch, Miss Havening, to teach us about proper French etiquette. I'm not particularly fond of being told how to hold my fork when I'm eating steak as opposed to chicken so I burped rather loudly during the dining sesion. The day went on and we fond various ways to insult each other, she made me walk with books on my head; I purposefully wobbled so that they fell into the table holding her precious china, all of which shattered. She taped a chalkboard to my back to I'd stand straight and I pulled it off so she used some charm to make it stay. I won't to go into detail but I was rather, unhappy with her." Lily could imagine Delia with the chalkboard on her back screaming at a little old woman who reminded Lily of the pictures she'd seen of her grandmother. "I decided two could play that game and I put a charm on every chalkboard, eraser, and piece of chalk in the school to chase her out. Once she was outside, the rain washed all the chalk out of her perfect pink robes so I don't know why she was so upset anyways. She started screaming about disrespect and impropriety and, to make a long story short—"

"Too late," Lily and Serena chorused.

Delia grinned, "They expelled me."

Serena laughed, "You'll get along pretty well with the Marauders," she commented.

"Who are the Marauders?" Delia asked, curious. Serena and Lily exchanged looks, nodded, and went onto a detailed description of everything to do with Hogwarts life _except_ for classes.

o0o

For the next few weeks Lily avoided James with all the skill, or lack there of she had. The fact that they lived together, patrolled together twice a week, had ALL their classes together, and Delia insisted Lily went to the Quiddich try-outs to cheer her on (Delia's a beater with Sirius), all added to her difficulty at being inconspicuous. Not only that, but Professor Slughorn had decided James was the worst potions student in the class and that he needed to be partners with "the brilliant and stupendous Miss Evans" (Sirius promised to never let it go).

By the time Friday rolled around at the end of particularly long week of James-avoidance, Lily flopped onto her bed with a grateful sigh, ready to curl up with a cup of tea and a good book in the comfy armchair next to one of her windows. She had just changed into some sweatpants and an old t-shirt when a knock came at the door. Sighing, Lily got up and opened it, thinking it was Sirius. He'd been in to wake her up every Monday morning since school began at the crack of dawn; she was beginning to regret having told him the password.

"James," Lily's breath caught in her throat when she saw his frame in the doorway. "Um, what's up," it would be really hard to deny she'd been avoiding him for the past month if he said anything about it.

"We have to patrol, remember?" He asked, brushing his hair out of his eyes. Lily had always secretly admired his hair. Ask any girl in Hogwarts and they'd agree, James Potter has the best hair, ever.

"Well, ah no," Lily thought it would be a bit obvious with her outfit. _Yes, James, I enjoy being seen looking like a scrub,_ she seriously considered saying but didn't want a fight. "Just give me a sec and I'll change."

"Sure," James agreed readily, she felt like he knew what she'd almost said.

Glancing in her mirror, Lily pulled her hair up into a messy bun, she'd have to spend ages combing it out again, but there was nothing else she could do in such a rush. She pulled on a sweater and switched to jeans. "Thank God my face cleared up last year and I don't really need make-up," she muttered. (A/N: That line is for people like me who hate their skin with a burning passion. Yeah, I exaggerate a bit.)

Once they were in the halls, Lily and James walked several feet apart, arms stiff at their sides, each acutely aware of the other's presence. Lily shot side-glances at James continually, not sure if she should say something or if silence was best, James, ironically, was doing the exact same thing. They accidentally made eye contact and then both snapped their head straight forward. After a half hour of only catching a few couples snogging and two third years sneaking into the kitchen they called it a night, all the while avoiding each other's eyes. _I feel like I'm Medusa or even something more sinister,_ Lily observed to herself, _of course I'm not treating him much better._

"Goodnight, James," Lily felt her shoulders slump in relief when they finally returned to the Head's Common Room.

"Lily," James called. The shoulders tensed up again.

"Hm?" Lily turned slowly, regretfully.

James looked like he was about to say something important but he changed his mind, "Just—just sleep well. Okay?"

Lily smiled, _he really is sweet,_ she admitted to herself, "You too." She felt James's eyes on her back as she entered her room. This time she didn't relax till the door was firmly latched behind her.

o0o

"It was so awkward, and I could tell it wasn't what he really wanted to say," Lily confided in Serena over bacon the next morning at breakfast. "Oh, god. I wish he would just forget the whole summer so I can go back to hating his existence like before. Last year he would have asked me out fifty times by now, but not once yet this year."

Serena frowned and twisted a piece of red hair around her finger. She was one of those punk style girls with a nose ring and dark brown hair she highlighted with every color of the rainbow. She had been talking about trying purple for a while but hadn't gotten around to it.

"Lily," Serena put down her fork and met her friend's green eyes with her own deep brown ones, "Either you like him back or you don't. After seven years, there's no way it's a joke that he's pretty much I love with you. Don't even try to say that he stopped liking you this year since he hasn't asked you out because all he's done it act more mature just like _you've_ always asked him to. You can't play with his emotions; kiss him back over the summer and then suddenly you won't talk to him. You owe him better then that. What happened happened. He won't forget the summer so you have to work with it as it is."

Lily couldn't come up with any defense. She just looked at Serena hopelessly and somewhat pleadingly. Her friend relented, "You don't have to decide right now to marry him or to never talk to him again. You owe him friendship at least, if nothing else."

Lily watched Serena walk away with a small frown on her face. "But she doesn't know why I can't talk to him. I've been so cruel, she doesn't understand."

A/N: That's a little bit of a cliffhanger but not too, too bad. Jeez, was that a long chapter or what? Reviews please, please, please!


	3. Denying and Running

Author's Note:

I don't really like this chapter, I felt it's a little boring but most of it is key to the plot. I hope you think better of it then I do.

Ch. 3 Denying and Running

Serena walked away from her best friend and realized that one little speech would never make Lily realize what she was missing. Every single guy Lily had ever dated at Hogwarts was, in a nutshell, Lily: kind, friendly, cheerful, and smart, but not just smart kids, geniuses. Serena ran a hand through her screaming red hair and frowned, chewing on her lip a bit as was her usual habit. She needed someone to help her convince Lily, or, worst case, force Lily into a situation where she would need to talk to James. Her first though was Sirius, but it would be a bit awkward to ask Lily's brother to set Lily up with his best friend. Who else… _Delia_!

Serena stopped dead in the middle of the hallway, causing a few disgruntled comments and smiled to herself. She hadn't thought of Delia at first since the girl had just come to the school, but, after Delia's story of her expulsion, Serena was convinced she would rise to the occasion and break a few rules while she was at it.

Serena doubted her beliefs for a moment when she encountered the studious looking Delia in the corner of the Common Room bent over her books, but once Serena was close enough to see her books she saw the doodles she was working on of Quiddich players.

"How's the studying going?" Serena asked as she slumped into the armchair next to Delia.

Delia looked up with a grin, "Oh great," she replied sarcastically. "I think I may actually be getting charms for once."

"Charms?" Serena asked, "You should ask Lily about charms, that's her subject. That and potions."

"Mental note of that," Delia snapped her notebook shut and gave Serena her full attention. "So what's up? You look like you need to say something important."

Serena was surprised; most people told her she was impossible to read. "Lily and James. I don't know all the details of the summer. Lily kind of rushed through the parts with James, which was pretty much the whole thing, but I know what happened. Now, you should know, he has asked her out just about daily since our first day of school. Any girl he'd dated since then has asked him out. Most of them broke up with him because he continued to ask Lily out. He's clearly head over heals in love with her but Lily seems to think its some sort of joke. Now she won't even talk to him because she says it's too awkward after the summer. They belong together and we need to make Lily see that."

Delia didn't respond right away, and when she did it surprised Serena, "Why are you asking me to help?"

"Because, you're clearly good friends with Lily and I think you understand what I'm talking about."

"No," Delia looked confused, "Why are you asking me for help when we barely know each other. An idiot can tell James and Lily belong together but I didn't think you'd come to me about it. I figured you and Lily have tons of other friends here and well—"

Serena smiled in an encouraging way, "Nope, me and Lils have just got each other, and now you. I came to you cause any friend of Lily's is a friend of mine."

Delia chuckled, "Well then, lets get started. I just hope you don't feel the same about and boyfriend of Lily's or we'll be wasting out time setting her up with James."

Serena smiled and winked, "You never know. If Lily doesn't get her act together and just tell James she'll marry him—he's asked her that a ton of times too—I might have to just get him for myself." Switching to a more serious tone she continued, "So what do you say we do?"

"We may have to resort to more drastic actions, but at the moment, I say just crack her shell. Confront her and make her admit she loves him. We'll work from there," Delia sounded like she had experience in confrontations.

"And if she doesn't crack?"

"We make her."

o0o

"Hey Lily," Delia called across the Common Room that evening. "Will you come with me to the library to get some books for the potions essay?"

"Sure," Lily gave a strained smile from over the top of her divination text, closed it and walked to the portrait hole. "I can use a break from that stupid stuff. It's such bull anyways."

Lily had barely walked two yards (meters of you're a metric person) into the hallway when she was tugged into an empty classroom down the hall. "Serena, Delia, what the hell are you doing?" she demanded.

"Lily, enough is enough," Serena stated matter of fact-ly. She stood directly in between Lily and the door, feet spread in a steady stance and arms crossed.

Delia sat on the teacher's desk to Lily's right, gazing on nonchalantly as though the whole scene bored her, "We're sick of you being such a fool."

"He loves you."

"You know it."

"And we don't want to hear about how confused you are."

"The truth is right in front of your nose."

"Plain as daylight."

"You just have your eyes closed."

"And have had them closed since the first day you came to Hogwarts."

"He loves you."

"So accept it, you're in denial."

"And you love him too," Delia finished their speech and stood, leaning her hips against the desk but no longer on it.

Lily stared at them with her mouth open. Her eyes flicked back and forth from on to the other but all she was met with was flinty, determined gazes and stubborn, uplifted chins. She struggled for words but their brutal honesty had hurt her. She snapped, "Who are you to tell me who I love? Teaming up against me, thick as thieves,_ I_ introduced you. You barely know each other but for me and already you're collaborating against me, telling me how to live my life. I am not a fool, I don't have to tell you whom I love and _you_ most certainly don't have to tell _me_ who I love. You don't have the _right_ to tell me that. Just who do you think you are? My mother? My sister? My father? I don't _have_ a mother, sister, or father, at least not anymore—."

Serena was surprised by her friend's passionate outburst but Delia seemed to have expected it, "So you don't love him?"

"No."

"Say it, 'I don't love James', unless you do…" Delia goaded.

"No!" Lily shrieked, "I _don't_ love, James." Lily's voice faded almost regretfully when she said his name and Delia's eyes flashed in victory.

Delia opened her mouth to retort but her words were drowned out by a shriek that pierced the entire school. "Please don't," a voice screamed from somewhere on the grounds.

All three girls sprinted to the window. Most of the students still at dinner began to rush through the main doors and onto the grounds. A girl with a dark complexion and black hair was standing on the grass and pleading with someone they couldn't see. "Severus, please," she called, her eyes toward the skies. Everyone on the grounds looked about confused, wondering where the person she was begging to was standing, "Don't do this." The girl's words seemed a whisper but it carried to everyone listening.

Suddenly Lily pieced together the clues, "Roof," was all she managed to say before she bolted into the corridor. By the time Delia and Serena left the room Lily had already disappeared around the corner.

o0o

On the grass outside Selene Snape continued her cries to her brother many stories above. Word had reached them that night that her father, that horrible man, had finally given their mother so hard a beating that she had died from the wounds. Helen Snape had always believed that one day her muggle husband would forgive her for deceiving him but he just beat her and their children continuously. Selene couldn't bear to lose her brother too, "Severus please, I need you. I love you; you can't do this. It's not what she would have wanted." Several stories above Severus Snape sat with his feet dangling over the edge of the roof, singing a lullaby his mother had once sung to him as he rocked forward and back. Each time he rocked a bit farther forward and then farther back, faster and faster. Soon he would swing so far he'd fall, down, down, down, down, _down_. Silently a red headed girl crept through the roof hatch behind him.

"Severus, don't!" a faint voice echoed up to them on the rooftop.

"I can't anymore Selene," he responded, "I wasn't there to stop him." Severus stared at his hands, "I should have been there to stop him," he added in a whisper.

Lily contemplated for a moment then did something both extremely stupid and extremely brave. She walked right up behind Severus and sat down, her feet also hanging over the edge of the school. Lily's head reeled at the height as the school gasped.

"What cha doin'?" she asked calmly, her face not betraying the slightest hint of fear.

Severus stared at her blankly, unsure of her sudden appearance, "Thinking."

"What of?" Lily picked carelessly at a tear in her jeans, not looking at the boy sitting next to her. "Seems an odd place to sit and think, causing such a scene when you could think in say, the library."

"Just go away mudblood," Severus decided the stupid girl sitting beside him wasn't worth the time and resumed his rocking, this time humming instead of singing the tune. A tear slipped out of the corner of his eye; he didn't bother to brush it away.

"That's not very nice, I'm only being friendly," Lily commented but she didn't move at all as he had requested and kept all traces of hurt from her voice. Severus didn't respond. "You know, you can't just shut out the world. Stuff happens. I'm guessing it's your family since I know that expression you're wearing having seen it on myself many mornings when I look in the mirror." Severus still didn't respond. "You can't run forever. We don't know what happens when we die. You may feel the pain just as acutely there, but with no remedy, no one offering a hand. Believe me, I know."

"And what are you running from?" a scratchy voice responded.

"Everything," Lily answered vaguely, "But if you come back inside with me, maybe someday I'll tell you." Lily waited for a moment but she didn't expect a response. Finally she stood and held out her hand, offering to help him up. Severus stared at her hand for a moment and reached up tentatively and grasped it. He was surprised by Lily's strong grip as she pulled him up. "Now lets get us in out of the cold," Lily commented with an honestly friendly smile.

As Lily and Severus walked through the deserted corridors towards the headmaster's office Lily's mind returned to the unused classroom and Delia and Serena. She couldn't believe their nerve but at the same time she wondered… _What __**am**__ I running from_ A small voice in her head answered, "The truth." Lily glowered, glad of the dark corridor to keep her thoughts from Severus. _Fine, I love him,_ She admitted to herself, _but there's no way I'm saying that out loud._

o0o

Back in the Common Room everyone sat in huddles gossiping about the nights events. The Marauders had smuggled in hot chocolate from the kitchens since no one felt like sleeping. In a corner Delia and Serena waited for Lily's reappearance. Serena trued to sip her hot chocolate but scalded her tongue. She looked to Delia to see how her friend was faring but Delia seemed to have forgotten the cup in her hands. Her eyes were distant and full of pain, reliving another time. Serena wanted to snap Delia out of her remorse, "How's your hot chocolate," she asked, "Mine's too hot."

Delia smiled. "Here, have mine," she said, handing over the cup, "It's cool."

Serena placed down her glass and took Delia's. She saw the other girl's eyes slipping back to their haunted expression and quickly thought of something encouraging to say. "You were smart when we were talking to Lily earlier," she commented, "I didn't know what to say when she got mad at us. It was the last thing I expected."

Delia chuckled and gave Serena a rueful smile but it twisted to a more cynical and ironic smirk, "I have experience with denial," was all she said though Serena though she heard Delia add in a whisper, "and suicide." But she couldn't be sure. "I'm pretty tired, I'm gonna hit the sack."

"Kay," Serena's response sounded dry and emotionless even to her. She knew she should say something comforting, loving, but instead she watched Delia walk upstairs slowly, hating herself for her idleness. _What demons are haunting her that she looks like that? So cold, so empty, so regretful._ She sipped Delia's hot chocolate and found it cold.

A/N:

Wow, that is a really depressing chapter. I hadn't intended it to be that dark, but you can't make suicide happy, ever.


	4. Face to Face

Author's Note:

This chapter took forever to write. I changed it a million times and then decided not to include parts and it was just a huge project. I don't like it that much since I'm kind of sick of it, hope you like it better.

Ch. 4 Face to Face

"To those students off to see their families: I'm sure we will all miss you over break. To those who will remain here: we're happy to have you. Have a very nice Christmas everyone, and I would like to see the Head boy and girl." Dumbledore concluded his speech with a cheery smile. With lots of scraping benches and laughter the students stood and began to exit the Great Hall.

The school had forgotten all about Severus Snape's lapse into suicidal tendencies within a week but Lily hadn't. She watched him and his sister head to the exit as she and James approached the teacher's table. Throughout the past weeks she had sent Selene and Severus small smiles in the halls. Delia and Serena hadn't mentioned her outbreak and she was glad. She didn't know how she would respond if confronted again.

"You wished to see us, Headmaster," James asked when they reached Dumbledore.

"Yes, yes," Dumbledore smiled at each student in turn. Lily was reminded of her grandfather, Papa… "You are both remaining at school for the break, yes?" he asked. Both students nodded. Lily glanced at James through the corner of her eye; _He has family, what's he staying here for?_

"I'd like you two to plan a ball for our older students. I like to have one every few years or so. With the extra time you'll have over the break I want you to figure out the main idea: theme, years allowed, dress, music, excetra. Give me your plans around say, New Years?"

"Sounds good," Lily found her voice.

"Wonderful. Thank you very much, both of you. You're doing an excellent job."

James smiled, "You're welcome."

"Welcome," Lily echoed. Dumbledore was always so kind and cheerful. With running the school and spreading warnings against a new rising threat of Dark Wizards she wondered how he found time to breath.

She and James walked away from the headmaster, determinedly avoiding each other's gaze while covertly sneaking glances at the other's face. Lily breathed a sigh of relief when she saw an escape as they passed the library, "Oh, um, I think I may have left a book," she mumbled, "I'll—er—I'll see you later, my book…" She rushed into the library leaving James dumbstruck in the halls, wondering what he did to have her seem hate him so very much.

o0o

The next day Lily gave her two best friends huge hugs before they left. "Have a good holiday guys," she said in the big hugging huddle they'd formed. "I'll miss you."

"Miss you too, Lils," Serena gave her an extra hug.

"Try not to drive James completely insane," Delia advised.

Lily grinned rakishly as watched them go. "How crazy can I make him? It's only a week," she yelled. The two girls turned with a final wave and amused grins. Lily turned with a smile still on her face. She had determined to make the best of her time off from schoolwork. She was going to relax and enjoy Christmas. She had always loved Christmas when she was younger.

"You sure you don't want to come visit my family?" asked an entertained voice.

"Oh yes," Lily turned, "I'm sure they'd _love_ to see me." Lily gave Sirius a huge hug.

"I wish you were coming," he confided quietly into her ear. The school had become used to their unexpected friendship though no one besides Lily and Sirius's close friends knew the reason. "I could use a friendly face in my own home."

"Don't let them get to you, okay?" Lily leaned back, searching Sirius's eyes. "If you need me, to talk or anything, I'm only a pinch of flu dust away." Lily stood on her tiptoes and gave Sirius a peck on the cheek.

"I won't and I know," Sirius pretended to be annoyed but Lily knew he would make good on her offer if he needed to. With a last hug Sirius walked through the doorway and disappeared into the blinding sunlight reflected off the snow just as Serena and Delia had done. Lily sighed to herself and headed for the considerably darker hallways of Hogwarts.

"Lily," came a voice from a passage way to the dungeons. Lily turned about curious then stepped into the passage. The few smoky torches did little to light the musky, damp passage. Severus Snape stood there in the shadows, looking unsure of his self.

"I never really thanked you for what you did for me, so, thank you."

"You're very welcome," Lily responded with a warm smile, squinting to see him better in the dark. "Are you going away for the holiday?" she asked after a pause.

"Yes, an aunt of mine," Severus trailed off.

"I have—

"I—," Lily stopped, "Go ahead," she encouraged.

"Um," Severus gulped, "Well, since I won't be here for Christmas, I—um—I, I got you this," he thrust a small package into Lily's hands and rushed passed her into the Entrance Hall. "Happy Christmas," he called over his shoulder.

Lily turned the package over in her hands and tore of the wrappings. Inside was a CD with one track on it, Dry the Tears. A note drifted to the ground. In spiked writing it read: _Thank you for caring. Merry Christmas, Lily._ Instantly Lily's curiosity was sparked and she rushed to her room, transformed a pillow into a CD player and put in the CD. Instantly she recognized the tune as the one Severus had been humming on the roof, the lullaby.

I'll sing you a song if you go to sleep,

I'll sing you a song in the night.

Hush now, hush now, I'll sing you a song in goodbye.

I'll dry the tears in the dusky dawn,

I'll dry the tears when we wake.

The storms only passing,

It'll go on its way,

And on that new dawn I'll chase the sorrows away.

I'll sing you a song if you hold me close,

I'll sing you a song if you smile.

Hush now, hush now, I'll sing you a song in goodbye.

I'll dry the tears in the new sun,

I'll dry the tears in the warmth.

The Lord will provide,

He'll warm our hearts,

And in his sweet love we will thrive.

Hush now, hush now,

I 'm singing my song of goodbye.

The last note hung in the air and seemed to echo off all the walls. The woman's voice trailed off in sadness and desperation but with hope and attempting to give hope. It was a sad tune and Lily couldn't understand how it could have comforted a young child. All the same it spoke clearly of the mother's acceptance that she could not shield her children from the cruelties of the world no matter how she tried. It was hopeful however, and from what Lily had learned about the Snape family, it seemed as though it would have comforted Selene and Severus very much.

Lily spied a second paragraph on the back of the note she swore hadn't been there before, _May you stop running and cut off your demons,_ it read. She sank onto her bed in tears both for her new friend and herself. How cruel the world could be.

o0o

The next morning, Lily awoke feeling sluggish and disgusting. She had cried herself to sleep is a half sitting position, waking in the morning uncomfortable, cold, and tired as though she hadn't slept. She had faint memories of fluid dreams that had melded together, all the while hearing the lullaby in the background. She rubbed her tongue along her teeth and found a slimy film there, as she hadn't cleaned her teeth the night before. Lily groaned as she tried to rub away a migraine at her temples but her fingers came away greasy, further lowering her mood. "It doesn't feel like Christmas time," she muttered to herself, her voice coming scratchy and hoarse. Glancing at the clock Lily realized it was still far too early for James to be up.

She crept through the Common Room to the bathroom and took a long shower. The hot water cleaned her skin but what Lily truly needed, and found, was a cleansing of her emotions. She felt the sorrows slip off her skin and down the drain with the soapy water. Her migraine even subsided to a dull pounding in the back of her head. For the first time, Lily thought about how her life had changed since her last day of Hogwarts the year before. So much had happened; so much had changed. She wanted a fresh start without all the memories, without the baggage. Amnesia would be a blessing, to wake with no thoughts but of the sunshine streaming through the curtains onto her face. Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath, finally giving herself the acceptance she needed.

_I can't change the past. It is what it is. But no one will ever have the power to destroy me like Chris did again. __**I**__ will be the one with the power over my own happiness; __**I**__ will always be the one who is loved._

What Lily didn't realize, or perhaps chose not to realize, was that love _is_ letting someone else have complete power over your happiness; it _is_ giving someone else the power to make you laugh or cry with a word. She was shutting out the only person who could help her heal the wounds Chris and Julia had left. To heal a cut as deep as she had, she needed a love that was deeper. She had sworn herself away from love and so she had sworn herself from healing.

From James.

_James_.

The word echoed in Lily's mind like a silver bell, over and over, fading into a blissful whisper or a word, a mere breath of air, _James_…

Lily emerged from the bathroom to find the object of her musing waiting for her, frowning slightly to his self as he stared at the floor, clearly preoccupied. She walked forward in a careful tread across the carpet. "Hi." She stated calmly once she had reached him, "Morning."

James looked up in surprise that she had snuck up on him so quietly. "Morning," he answered softly. Lily smiled sweetly and started for her room. "Wait," he called, a bit louder, "Lily, are," he started to lose his nerve, "are you all right?"

"Yes I'm fine," she answered a bit sharply, "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Oh, nothing in particular," James studied the carpet cursing his self for not standing his ground.

"James?" Lily asked, catching the lie.

"Well, you listened to that song last night, then you cried for a good half hour, never came out, and then took a forty-five minute shower singing the song that had made you cry the night before," James didn't say what song, Lily already knew.

"I like long showers," Lily answered with a shrug as though that answered all his questions.

"Lily, you can talk to me."

"About what?" Lily was getting nervous, they were coming dangerously close to the one thing she couldn't talk about, the one thing she had just sworn she was over.

"I don't know, anything, everything. The summer—"

"There is nothing to talk about concerning the summer," Lily answered in a dangerously low voice.

"But—"

"No," Lily wouldn't meet James's eyes. She spoke slower as though she thought he didn't understand her words, "There's nothing to talk about."

"Lily, please," James attempted one last plea. He wasn't sure exactly what he was asking her for but he had a feeling it was a bit more then it appeared at face value.

"Damn it, Lily! Why does it have to come to this?" James held his arms up as though begging Lily to do something, free him from some invisible bonds. "It happened, we were both there. A jackass cheated on you, your grandfather died, you found out you're not your father's daughter; you met your long lost mother and your half brother. I was there; I saw it. It sucks but it happened! You can't pretend the past didn't happen. You can't run from it forever! You can't run from _me_ forever."

"I'm not running from anything," Lily countered, her voice raising an octave by the end of the sentence. The panic was building up; she felt her self drowning in it.

"Lily, don't lie to me." James's voice was considerably quieter then Lily's. "You have to stop running.

"Why?" Lily shrieked, "Why can't I pretend Chris never existed? Why can't I pretend my mother never came back? Why can't I pretend Sirius and I are just miraculously friends now? Why do you have to insist I stop? I can run like this for years! Forever, for that matter! Why does it matter to you? Why?" Lily stood her ground, crying and screaming at once.

James's brow furrowed as he took a tentative step forward. "Why do I care?" he repeated trancelike, "I would have thought that one's obvious. Because I love you." Lily's eyes softened and he took another step towards her. "Why do you have to stop running? Because someday you'll tire out and find that you have no one to turn to when the memories become too much to bear."

"Why?" Lily begged, her watery eyes bright, "Why can't I just forget and cut off all those connections? You were there for too much. You know too much. If you love me and you want me to be happy, why can't you let me cut _you_ out, so I can forget?"

James shook his head, "Because that's not why you're cutting me out. You are afraid of falling in love again after what he did to you so you're cutting me off because you know you love me too. Have you asked Sirius to never speak to you again?"

"No," Lily admitted weakly, "But it's different with him." She sank slowly onto the couch, finally showing weakness.

"He doesn't love you the way I do. You want to cut me out because you fear pain. You don't fear reminders of the summer. " James smiled cynically as he sat down beside her, "Of all people, Lily, I understand pain, and I understand heartbreak. God knows how many times you've broken my heart."

Lily looked up and met James's steady gaze at those words, "I really did hurt you didn't I?" she asked.

"Yes and no," James shook his head to stare at his hands, "It hurt to never be given a chance, to have every girl at my feet except for the one I wanted. The irony of my life I suppose. But at the same time it didn't hurt, it couldn't hurt, because you never let me in. You let me in this summer. And now, this? This hurts."

"Oh James," Lily whispered, "I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for it to be like this. But Chris, he was, too perfect. It hurts."

James reached over and grabbed Lily's hands. "Do you remember what I told you that night, after we saw him and Julia?"

"I hardly remember anything from that night."

" 'He never deserved you. He was never worthy of you. No one ever will be, but I'll sure as hell try.' " James quoted his self. "I stand by that Lily. I don't think I'll ever deserve you, but I'll try to be everything for you."

"I really don't deserve that," Lily protested.

James laughed openly, throwing back his head. He released one of her hands and wiped a tear from her cheek. "Of course you do. You're Lily," he stated as though quoting a fact right out of an encyclopedia.

Lily smiled at his sweetness. She leaned forward till their faces were right next to each other. "Thank you," she whispered into his ear. Then Lily kissed his cheek and stood, helping James to his feet as well. "I have a brilliant idea," she announced, feeling lighter then any time in the past year. "It'll take some planning and you'll have to cooperate even though you may find it tedious, but it'll be worth it."

"Okay," James looked unsure of Lily's sudden change of mood.

"I have a lot of thinking to do," Lily explained, "Planning, and letters to write. We can plan the ball after Christmas. It's in the middle of vacation anyways so we'll have plenty of time. I just need you to be in your room all night on Christmas Eve by nine. Is that okay?"

James smiled once he realized Lily was actually happy. "Perfect," he responded. Lily smiled at his answer and then retreated into her room. James heard the lullaby again but this time there was no crying and it didn't carry the same eerie tone as it had had the night before.

A/N: Sigh… That was exhausting. Finally I'm finished. The lullaby lyrics and Lily's little speech to herself while she was in the shower took so long to come up with. I changed them like sixty times. Hopefully it makes sense to you because I have all the different versions mixed up in my head.


	5. Snow Can Do That

Author's Note:

I've been working on the outline for this story and I have to say I'm pretty excited for some of the plot twists and such coming up. I'll admit it can be a tiny bit predictable but I still feel like you will all be surprised by at least a few things I've come up with. I have plans for a third story after this one too. It'll be about Delia post OOTP, that's all I'm saying now but I have a really good plan for it although I think it'll only be about six chapters.

All right, now that I've given you all my plans I'll let you read the actual story. Enjoy.

Ch. 5 Snow Can Do That

Over the next two days James saw little of Lily. She was in her room constantly humming Christmas songs to herself and clearly preoccupied with something. She had steadfastly refused he come into her room to borrow a book, instead asking him exactly what he wanted, closing the door to go get it, and then opening it a crack to hand it to him. Clearly she didn't want him to see something but he had no idea what. He figured he'd just have to wait and find out.

Lily was extremely busy in preparation for Christmas. She felt that after all he had done for her and after all her mistreatment of him, he deserved something really special from her. She wrote to all their friends asking them to use flu powder to come for Christmas day at noon. All accepted except for Peter who "couldn't get away from his family".

Lily awoke on the morning of Christmas Eve to bright white light. She blinked away a few tears at the blinding light and sat up. Immediately she spotted the source.

Everything outside Lily's huge bay window was covered in a blanket of white. A few long icicles hung from the top of the window frame. Little swirls of frost on the panes of glass looked like miniscule gusts of wind trapped in a crystallized form. With a little sigh of happiness Lily open the huge window and welcomed the icy air onto her skin. Lily scraped a small handful of snow off the windowsill and tasted it.

"Perfect for snowballs," she commented to the empty expanse outside. Lily turned to glance at her clock. It read 7:14. "Even more perfect," she stated again, "No one else will be up yet."

With a shout of glee Lily leaped out of bed and ran to her door, disregarding the ice-cold floors beneath her feet. "James," she yelled from their common room. She pounded on his door. "James. _James_, get up already! How can you be sleeping?" Lily yelled at his door.

Suddenly the door opened and Lily almost fell into James as she had been leaning on the door. "What? Lily, what's the matter? Why, what, yelling?" James trailed off, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and yawning.

"Nothing's the matter," Lily told him as though he was insane. "Everything's perfect, there's snow! Let's go!" she tugged on his hand and headed for the portrait hole.

Realizing where she was going James pulled back. "Uh, Lily," he said, "Don't you think we should get dressed first?"

Lily realized exactly what she was doing and blushed a glowing red right up to the roots of her hair. "Oh, um, oh dear." James was standing awkwardly in his boxers, fighting back another yawn and she was only wearing a t-shirt and some worn out pj pants. "I guess you're right," Lily forgot her embarrassment almost instantly, " But be back here in the common room in five minutes ready to go outside."

James yawned again and headed for the bathroom. "Whatever you say dear," he answered over his shoulder.

Lily instantly returned to her room to put on some warmer clothes but she had one thought repeating itself in the back of her mind, _James has some seriously toned abs!_

o0o

A half hour later after a quick breakfast Lily was finally outside in the snow. As soon as she stepped out of the door she shouted out loud and ran right out to grab a handful with her ungloved hand.

James watched her bright face and laughed to his self. He had known Lily loved winter and snow, but she had never willingly allowed him to be nearby when she was clearly so delighted. Last winter she had even gone inside from a similar day to avoid him (much to her displeasure). Now she was calling him to come make another snow angel next to hers and laughing when he tripped on the heavy powder clinging to his boots.

Lily flopped down in the snow and gazed at the snowman they had created. She grabbed a handful of snow and started eating. "I love snow," she stated through a mouthful of the powdery white substance. "It's so fresh and clean and pure and cold and perfect."

James chuckled quietly. _Kind of like you,_ he though to his self though he didn't dare say it out loud. "And wintery," he added.

"And wintery," Lily agreed with a smile which quickly turned more mischievous. She stood up and walked a few paces away in a carefree nonchalant manner and scooped up some snow on the pretense of eating it. James was too lost in smiling at her to notice anything odd, that is until he was hit with a cold, dripping, icy ball of snow. With a peal of laughter Lily took off to the edge of the Forbidden Forest at a sprint to hide in the trees close to the edge of the wood. James jumped to his feet and followed, chucking a ball of snow after her but he missed. He bent to pick up more snow just as he reached the edge of the trees but when he looked up he couldn't see her anywhere. Her tracks led straight into the forest but he couldn't believe she'd have gone in there.

"Lily!" He called good-humouredly, "Come out come out where ever you are."

Silence.

"Liiiiii-llllllyyy," James called again in a singsong voice.

The wind rustled the tree branches above his head. They creaked menacingly and dropped a bit of snow down the back of his shirt.

"Lily," he called a third time, this time somewhat nervously, "Lily, where are you?"

Silence.

"LILY," he screamed into the woods. His voice echoed back to him, _Lily, Lily, Lily…_

WHAM! Another huge ball of snow slammed into the back of James's hair. He spun around to see Lily streaking away across the open field her laughter ringing back to him, daring him to catch her if he could.

"How'd you get behind me?" he yelled to her as he took chase, quickly closing the gap between them.

"It's amazing what you can do with magic isn't it?" Lily yelled back as she changed course for the green houses.

James laughed at his over anxious nerves. _Of course_, he thought_, magic._ He was almost caught up to her when she reached the green houses and disappeared around a corner. James stopped to catch his breath once he reached the glass wall. He poked his head around the corner. Lily's footprints appeared to have gone around the back of the second greenhouse but he wasn't fooled again. He crept back the way he had come to the front of the first greenhouse. Lily was standing at the far corner, peering around and clearly waiting for him. He grabbed a ball of snow and silently packed it together.

WHAM! Lily spun around with a shocked look on her face and James's proud smirk. She chucked her snowball right at his chest and then bolted again, this time for the castle doors, with James close in pursuit.

Their laughter seemed to bounce back off the castle walls so it sounded like dozens of them running about. James quickly caught up to Lily; she couldn't run anywhere near as fast as him. "Lily," he called quietly when he was just a few feet behind her. She looked over her shoulder surprised that he was so close behind her. This action slowed her down immensely and within the second James had crashed into her and knocked them both over.

Lily lay in the snow for a few moments, catching her breath, aware of James's warm body on top of her but not really registering his closeness as something out of the ordinary. "Oh no, Lily, are you okay?" James asked urgently, "I didn't know you'd slow down. I didn't mean to hit you. I promise."

Lily couldn't help herself; she just started giggling, which led to stifled chuckles, which led to full out laughter. James fell onto the snow next to her, laughing too. They just lay there for a full minute, laughing. James sat up and searched her eyes. "You are okay though?" he asked, suddenly serious again.

Lily stared back into his eyes for what felt like hours. They were sparkling from the exercise against his flushed face but were still genuinely worried about her. Their hazel depths reminded her of the fields behind her cottage in early autumn when the grass was dry from the hot August sun. She lightly shoved him back onto his back and stood. "Of course I am," she answered, "You're just being a worry wart. Learn to have some fun." She gave him a hand to help her up. They headed back to the castle next to each other, looking forward to a steaming mug of hot chocolate and dry clothes once they were inside.

"I never thought I'd hear Lily Evans telling me to learn how to have fun," James commented with another chuckle. "_Lily Evans_," he repeated in an awed voice.

Lily laughed too as the irony reached her. "Snow can do that to a person," she agreed.

A/N: I felt like this story was too intense and not enough fun so I added this chapter in to lighten it up a bit and just because it was fun to write. The next chapter will have more plot in it.


	6. Hearts at Christmas

Author's Note:

Hooray for Christmas, and Lily's surprise. Really exciting, I hope you like it!

Ch. 6 Hearts at Christmas

_10:53 pm, December 24th_

"Lily!" James hammered at his bedroom door. "I know I'm not supposed to come out but I sort of have to…"

"How come?" Lily asked, preoccupied with the task at hand and only half listening.

"Well I, kind of have to use the bathroom," James muttered in response. He thanked God Lily couldn't see him blushing behind the door as she began to laugh hysterically.

"Hmmm. I believe I told you to go _before_ I locked you into your room," Lily laughed as she spun her wand between her fingers. He couldn't open the door with _alohamora_ because she'd used _aromahola_, a new spell she found in _Spells for the Overly Avid Witch or Wizard. _

"Pleeeaaassseee," James begged.

Lily laughed again, and stood, brushing her hands on her pants. "Alright, just give me a sec," she told him. Picking her way between various boxes full of packing peanuts. She switched off a light and unlocked the door, opening it a crack. "Now," she told him seriously through a slightly opened door, "I'm going to guide you across the room and you may not try to look at anything."

"Okay, that's fine," James answered eagerly. Lily reached her hand through the small opening and covered his eyes; then she opened the door. A strange electric current began as soon as Lily's hand touched James's face. She was acutely aware of each time his arm brushed hers as they walked.

"Don't peek, you'll ruin the surprise," Lily asked in a sweet voice James couldn't help but listen raptly to. He nodded and Lily smiled to herself at his submission. James wouldn't have dreamed of moving away from her, in fact he would have preferred if she hadn't had to remove her hand from his face when they reached the bathroom. The electricity, however, didn't stop when Lily's hand left James face.

"Okay, I'll wait for you to come back out," Lily told him seriously, "Remember you can't open the door without telling me first."

"I got it," James sarcastically pretended to be insulted.

Lily chuckled to herself but chose not to comment. In a moment James knocked to come back out again and Lily just barely opened the door again to cover his eyes. "My escort awaits once again," he commented.

Lily laughed at him and shook her head. The problem with jokes is that one often forgets one's surroundings, as Lily did. Within milliseconds James had stubbed his toe from Lily's poor direction and bent over double at the sudden pain in his bare foot. Lily started to fall over but James caught her. They wobbled for a moment, almost steady but just when they thought they were balanced they tipped and crashed into a box full of packing peanuts. They hit the ground hard, the little bits of Styrofoam slowly drifting down to land on top of them like snowflakes.

"This seems vaguely familiar," Lily commented from underneath James for the second time that vacation. She couldn't see his face in the darkness but felt sure he could hear her heart beating faster and faster. The electric energy seemed to be pulsing now, James half expected to see light coming off the invisible rays of power.

"Just a bit," James answered with a tint of laughter in his voice as he sat up and brushed the Styrofoam off his sleeves. He started to glance around the darkened room but only saw the silhouettes of a few things before Lily dove at him and covered his eyes. She pulled him to his feet and pushed him into his room before following. Once the door was securely shut behind her she turned to face him.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" she demanded. "You made sure we fell over so you could look around to see what I was up to!"

"No, no, no. I didn't, no," James begged, panicking, "Lily I'll swear on anything you want! I promise I didn't! It was an accident!"

James stopped when Lily started laughing, falling back on the door for support. "Of course you didn't" she gasped. "You couldn't of, you didn't know where anything was for you to trip over!" Lily tried and failed to curb her laughter. "You should," laugh, "have seen," laugh, "your face!" she barely got the words out.

After staring at her like she was insane for a moment James began chuckling himself, then laughing, then practically crying from laughing so hard. "You're right," he told her, "I thought you were going to kill me."

The two just laughed for a full minute, cracking up again every time they caught each other's eyes. "Okay," Lily took a deep breath to get herself under control, "I have to finish up." With a fresh burst of giggles she backed out the door. Lily leaned against the door for a second but when the laughter dried up all she felt was complete happiness and a deep longing. She sighed to herself and waved her wand to relight the room.

oOo

James woke with the sun the next morning. He lay in his bed for a moment, just staring at the ceiling of his room. He felt inexplicably happy. It was like a dream he couldn't quite remember, each time he got close the memory slipped through the fingers of his mind like smoke. All he knew was that it was an incredibly good dream. He stood and pulled back the curtains of the window. The sight of the snow sparked his memory and he recalled the "dream" that was really a reality.

"Lily." He couldn't recall later if he'd actually spoken or just thought the word.

"Hey Lily!" he yelled as he ran to the door. He paused for a second then covered his eyes and opened the door. "Lily!" he ran blindly across the room, luckily not tripping over any of the furniture. He banged on the door but there wasn't an answer. He turned suddenly at laughter behind him, remembering at the last second to cover his eyes.

"I didn't think you'd be up so early," Lily told him as she stood to walk over, "Come here." She grabbed his arm by the elbow and led him across the room. The electric waves started up again, but they were stronger, mingled with magic as well. "Okay, open," she commanded, removing her hand.

James didn't have a response to the sight in front of him. A huge Christmas tree towered up to the ceiling of the room. Strings of popcorn and cranberries wound their way around the branches. Little translucent globes in various colors dangled elegantly from the branches. Each had a living pixie inside that appeared to be yelling but James couldn't hear them. He suspected Lily must have put a silencing charm on them. Real candles flickered lightly. James looked quizzically at Lily when he saw one flame wrap around a tree branch but no smoke was produced.

"Flame freezing charm," Lily told him. She beamed as she watched his face as he turned, taking in each little bit of the room. It hardly looked the same at all. Garlands of holly hung from the rafters and wreaths hung on each of their doors. She had put slipcovers on all the pillows with snowflake, holly, and various other Christmassy patterns.

He walked a few steps but Lily stopped him. He turned to look at her, not bothering to say anything. She nodded her head towards the ceiling, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. A little sprig of mistletoe hung there, appearing almost, James searched for a word, innocent. When he looked towards Lily again she was right next to him. She slipped her hand into his. Lily stood on her very tiptoes to reach James who was several inches taller then her. The electricity seemed to be humming now, drowning out all though. She kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Happy Christmas," she whispered into his ear, her other hand at the nape of his neck. And then quieter she continued, "I'm sorry."

James wasn't sure what Lily was apologizing for; for rejecting him so many times, breaking his heart, ignoring him, or for all of those things. "Lily, don't—"

"Shhh," Lily put a finger on his lips, half surprised a spark didn't flash at the contact. She smiled a flirty crooked smile, "You're completely killing the mood."

They just stared at each other for a moment, lost in each other's eyes. Lily had to crane her neck to see into James's eyes. They were warm and adoring. Hers, in turn, were both apologetic and thankful. James thought he detected love somewhere in their depths but he couldn't be sure. Neither knew how long they stood like that, just staring. James began to lean down towards her; a strand of hair fell into his eyes but he didn't bother to brush it back. Lily tilted back her head, unable to think of anything but those perfect eyes gazing lovingly into hers. The humming became louder a song, the sound too high for a human voice, lilting through their minds. Lily's breath caught in her throat—

At a tap at the window they both sprang back from each other like startled deer. Ari, Serena's owl hovered there, demanding Lily open the window and let her in. Lily rushed over and opened it, glad James couldn't see the blush on her face. She grabbed the parchment and opened it.

_Hey Lils,_

Hope you're having a good break. I would have sent Ari sooner but I completely forgot. Everybody in meeting up at my house and then we'll all flu to Hogwarts together.

_Happy Christmas!_

_Serena_

p.s. We're bringing all out gifts from each other so that we can open them together so don't open yours yet.

"Who's it from?" James asked from behind her.

"Serena," Lily turned and smiled, pretending to forget their "moment" a few seconds before. "That's the other part of the surprise," she told him as she walked towards the table before the fire, "Everybody's coming for the afternoon. Now, breakfast is served." She gestured to the table in front of her.

"How'd you get breakfast up here?" James asked as he sat. If she was going to pretend nothing had happened then so would he.

"What do you take me for?" Lily asked, "The kitchens obviously. I had to practically bar the door to get the house elves to let me cook."

James choked on his bite of pancake. "You made this?" he asked, "It's incredible."

"Of course," Lily hid her pride as she shook her napkin out, "The house elves really aren't that good of cooks. The food's tainted with magic. Although you wouldn't know since you've been eating magically prepared food your whole life, it tastes different."

"You're right, this is amazing," James told her as he shoveled another huge bite into his mouth.

"Thank you," Lily responded naturally. The electricity was pulsing again, almost as though it was angry for the interruption. It urged her to reach over and stroke James's cheek. She grasped the leg of the table out of sight to stop her arms from acting of their own accord. She didn't realize James was doing the exact same thing. The whole room hummed with the magic and electricity. _Get yourself together Lily! _She commanded herself silently; _you look like an idiot._

She took a sip of orange juice and studied the grains of wood in the table, glancing up she met James's eyes and flushed, returning her eyes to their familiar beat. She reached over too grab the sugar bowl to discover James's hand already there. An actual spark flared when their hands touched and Lily flushed again, jerking her hand back as though it had hurt her. They sat like that for a several minutes, in silent tension, afraid to look at each other but afraid not to. The seconds ticked by on the old clock on the mantelpiece… _11:56…11:57…11:58… 11:59…_

Finally James couldn't bear the stress any longer. "Lily, " she reluctantly met his eyes, "Lily I—"he faltered, "I—"

_Whoosh!_

"Hey guys!" Delia spun into the room and brushed ashes from her shoulders. "I love the decorations. I assume you did them Lils." She gave Lily a big hug and walked over to get a better look at the Christmas tree.

_Whoosh! _In came Remus.

_Whoosh! _And Sirius.

_Whoosh! _And Serena.

"Merry Christmas guys!" Serena beamed at the heavily decorated room, "This is so cool. I feel like we're in the North Pole."

"Exactly like the North Pole," Sirius agreed. "But I don't like the pixies on the tree very much. Imagine what would happen if they got loose…"

"Don't even think about it Sirius," James warned quietly.

"You don't have to be so rude, I wouldn't dream of freeing them," Sirius batted his eyelashes innocently. "Is that food?"

"We lost him," Remus foretold, as Sirius began "grazing" at the table.

"Wow, Remus," Delia said sarcastically, "You'll be the next big seer. Now tell me, will I wear a purple or a blue sweater tomorrow?"

"Oh blue definitely," Lily told her. "You hate purple."

And thus the banter continued. Sirius quickly finished off the last of Lily and James's almost uneaten breakfast and then they all sat around the tree to open presents like they were eleven again. James had been unable to decide what to give to Lily. She played him hot and cold constantly; he never knew what to expect from her. In the end he had settled for a pair of dark green leather gloves. He had wanted to buy her a wedding ring but he knew that at least wouldn't be graciously received.

Lily couldn't believe her eyes when the gloves fell into her hands. They were soft leather in a perfect dark green holly like color. They even smelled a bit like holly berries. No one had seen her open them; the box had been so small and plainly wrapped. She looked up and her eyes met James's. He was smiling so sweetly at her and her apparent joy that she couldn't help but grin back at him oblivious to the rustling papers around them. She sighed to herself, _who could be sweeter?_

The hours drifted by quickly and the topics flew from one side to another. No one had ever thought of any day in which they enjoyed their self better. At one point, the topic drifted to muggles as Sirius couldn't imagine living without magic and more importantly, without broomsticks.

"What do you do for fun?" he asked exasperatedly.

"I don't know, hang out with friends," Delia told him. "Watch TV, read a book, oh yeah, some of us actually work."

"Hah," Sirius scoffed, "I worked once, wasn't worth the effort."

Delia snorted in disbelief. "Or you can play cards," Lily suggested.

"Play cards?" James asked, "What's that?"

Lily sighed, "Has anyone here not from a muggle family even heard of playing cards?" Serena and Remus raised their hands. "I'm not surprised that you did, Remus, you actually pay attention in muggle studies and I told you Serena so that hardly counts."

"Better then them," Serena nodded towards James and Sirius who were staring at Lily as though she had sprouted an extra head.

"You're right," Lily stood and headed for her room, "I'll be right back." A moment later she reappeared with a beat up old 52-card deck. "Okay, a crash course on learning how to play cards…" For the next half hour they sat in a circle playing Go Fish and Crazy Eights until everyone in the group understood what an ace, a jack and a spade are as well as that a nine and a six are not interchangeable.

"Okay," Lily smiled at her students as they concluded yet another game of 500 Rummy. I think it's safe to try a more difficult game. How about Hearts?"

Everyone in the group looked blankly at her. Or almost everyone, "I love hearts," Delia agreed. "That's by far the best card game out there."

"Okay then. Hearts it is." Lily grinned; hearts was her favorite game too. "I deal out the entire deck and everyone organizes their cards as they see fit without letting anyone see them." (In their first round of Crazy Eights Sirius had triumphantly told everyone that he had two eights and showed them to the circle as well.) "Everyone chooses two cards to pass to the player to their right. You want to pass on high cards, hearts, and the Queen of Spades if you can. Keep in mind you'll be getting two cards from the player on you left." At this point James stood and walked to the other side of Sirius (who had been on his right) and sat down. "Whoever has the two of clubs— that's the shamrock shaped one— puts that down first to begin the 'trick'," Lily continued despite Sirius's maniac grin at a "trick" in a game of cards. "Then the person to the right and each after that puts down a club as well. If you don't have a club, you may put in a card of another suit— spades, diamonds, or hearts. Play continues to the right. The person who begins the trick may not begin the trick with a heart unless hearts have been broken, meaning that someone who didn't have, say a diamond, in a previous trick and put down a heart instead." Serena's brow was furrowed, as she made sure she absorbed each detail. "Who ever puts down the highest card wins the trick and takes all the cards that were put down. If you take a heart it's one point, if you take the Queen of Spades its 13 points. Whoever had the least points wins."

"I'm a bit confused," James admitted, "But lets play anyways."

"Oh wait," Lily added at the last moment. "I forgot one last rule."

"Gosh Lils, get it together," Sirius mumbled but Lily ignored him.

"It's called shooting for the moon," Lily continued as though she hadn't been interrupted. "If a person is dealt a lot of hearts, they may try to shoot for the moon which means they have to get all of the hearts and the queen of spades. If they do this successfully, although it's very difficult, then all the other players are given 36 points."

"Okay, lets play," Delia snuggled down into the pillow she was sitting on and dealt out the cards. The first two rounds were a mess because everyone constantly put down the wrong cards and failed miserably in attempts to shoot for the moon. Remus was by far the best and even beat Lily and Delia in one round. The worst was James. He was determined to shoot for the moon every time and so Lily always ensured that she got at least one heart to stop him from winning.

An hour later they finished up with the score as thus:

Lily: 10

Delia: 11

Remus: 25

Sirius: 56

Serena: 62

James: 217

Everyone started laughing when Remus read off the scores. "James, you have to be the worst player of this game that ever lived," Sirius taunted.

"And I thought I was bad," Serena added.

"Hey, take it easy on him," Remus told them seriously. They all stopped laughing to stare. "He's only 155 points behind Serena." Everyone cracked up laughing again at this ridiculous difference.

Finally, at ten they decided it was time to call it a night. After many more jokes about James incompetent cards skills they all flu-ed back to Serena's house and then to each other house respectively. As soon as everyone had left Lily felt the electric feeling starting again and building strength.

"Well that was exhausting," she told James with a grin. "I'm heading in for an early bed." She gave him a quick stiff armed hug, trying to keep distance between them to keep any actual sparks from appearing again. "Happy Christmas."

"Night," James called weakly to her closing door. He stood there in the middle of their Common Room for a moment, unable to think or even breathe.

"That was interesting," he stated truthfully. He didn't hear Lily stifle a giggle from behind her closed door.

A/N: I rambled a bit in this chapter but I still liked it. Lily is so funny in denial. If you were really confused about my explanation of Hearts, I'm sorry, I haven't played it in a while. Anyways, please review.


	7. Danger

Author's Note:

Hello there everybody, I'm back again. I just want to take a moment to let you all know about some other stuff I'm working on. I just posted a new one shot about James/Lily/Sirius from Sirius's point of view. It's pretty cute but sad too. If you have the time, check it out. I'm also starting a new story that I plan to start posting at the end of the summer. I'm going to write the whole thing before I post it so that I can go back and change things I earlier chapters to fit the plot. I haven't picked a title yet so just keep your eyes open come late August/early September.

Disclaimer: NOT MINE!

Ch. 7 Danger

Serena trailed the crust of her toast through the left over maple syrup on her plate. Her head was tilted to the side and resting on her fist as she scowled at the sticky, sickeningly sweet smelling liquid. She looked at the ceiling, frowning yet another overcast late January sky. As she lowered her eyes she glanced with worry etched on her features at the pale boy sitting across from her.

Remus Lupin had huge bags under his eyes and a sickly whitish tint to his skin. He pushed his food around his plate, making it look as though he had eaten a bit of it. He shivered involuntarily as he felt someone's gaze upon him. Looking up he met Serena's steely eyes unwillingly. She looked as though she was reading his mind and wondered fearfully if she was an occlumens. He shuddered again at the thought of someone at Hogwarts seeing into his mind even as he smiled at her.

"Something wrong?" he asked Serena as neutrally as he could manage.

"No," Serena lied, her eyes falling back to the light brownish substance on her plate. Remus silently sighed in relief. Serena's breath caught halfway through a deep sigh. _Coward,_ she accused herself. "Actually yes," she looked back up at Remus, "there is."

He frowned slightly, his gaze level although he was panicking on the inside, "What is it?"

"Well," Serena glanced up at him through her purple bangs and then reverted her gaze back to her plate, "You always seem really sick, and you have to go to the hospital wing a lot, and you always have illnesses in your family too, and you're always tired, and—" she paused to gauge Remus's reaction; if possible, he looked paler. "And I just worry about you," she finished.

Remus was silent for a long moment, causing Serena to believe that she had somehow made him frustrated or sad. She risked a glance up to his eyes and saw that he looked both worried and, if possible, a bit flattered. "You're very observant," he noted quietly although she could still hear him perfectly. "I just—" he paused, searching for something to say, "I have a weak immune system, I suppose. And my family has just had a bad year."

Serena nodded slightly but she noticed that he fidgeted when he answered her and wouldn't meet her eyes. Her eyes followed him as he stood and walked out of the hall, returning to her plate once he was out of her line of vision. _He's lying to me, _she realized,_ I don't know why, or about what, but there's something he's not telling me, and I'm going to find out what. _

Tucking her resolution away in the back of her mind, she stood and threw her bag over her shoulder. Her hips swayed when she walked and betrayed none of her unease as she approached the Ravenclaw table. "Hey Huck," she tapped her boyfriend on the shoulder, "Wanna go for a walk?"

He grinned expectantly, knowing they weren't _just_ going to walk, "Sure." Serena smiled and left the hall with him; glad to have something to distract her from those haunting, tired eyes.

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Lily wasn't paying attention as she walked towards the lake. She reread the letter for what seemed like the thousandth time and her brow furrowed even farther. She rubbed the creases on her forehead and ran a hand through her hair restlessly. Without glancing up she sat at the foot of the oak next to the lake and read her sister's letter yet again. It was surprisingly civil, Lily suspected because of Petunia's apparent happiness.

_Lily,_

_I've written to tell you the good news. Just a few days ago Vernon proposed. I know you never liked him very much but I do, and obviously you must agree that my feelings are a bit more crucial._

Lily blanched just as she had in the first reading at Petunia's use of sarcasm.

_The date is set for June 12 and I'd really like it if you came. I'll be inviting mostly friends of Vernon's and mine that you haven't met, so, although I'm worried to make this invitation, you're welcome to bring a few of your school friends as long as you're sure they'll act normal. Please write back to tell me how many people you plan to bring, preferably not more then six, including yourself. Write back soon._

_Your Sister,_

_Petunia_

Lily found herself fighting back tears as she gazed at the glasslike surface of the lake. She was surprised and touched that Petunia had invited her at all let alone five of her friends. She wiped away a single tear from her cheek, smiling slightly at the memories of her and Petunia's childhood friendship.

"Are you okay?" someone asked from behind her.

Lily peered around the tree trunk to see a nervous looking Severus Snape standing uncertainly a few feet away. "Oh, Severus," she genuinely smiled at the boy, "You startled me."

He seemed consoled by her obvious welcome and walked forward to sit next to her beneath the tree. "Sorry about that," he told her quietly, also gazing at the glassy water. "Are you okay?" he repeated.

Lily smiled at his concern. "I suppose so. My sister's getting remarried," she glanced at the letter although she already knew it by heart, "on June 12."

"And you don't like the man." It wasn't a question.

"Well," Lily shrugged, "I don't like him very much, but I don't really like my sister that much either, usually."

"How come?" Severus was politely interested but not pushy.

"It's a long story," Lily warned.

"I've got a while," Severus told her, meeting her eyes with a steady gaze.

Lily smiled and began her story. Half hours passed like minutes as she explained her entire childhood, her friendship with Petunia, her mother's departure, her father's suicide, even her mother's affair although she didn't tell him that Sirius was her half brother. She told him about Chris and her struggle to support her grandfather as well as his funeral. Once again she left something out, James's involvement. Disregarding her few edits, Lily found it easy to talk to Severus. He didn't try to persuade her to explain the more shadowy parts where she left out embarrassing or personal information and didn't interrupt her. Finally she reached Petunia's letter.

"I don't know what to think, it's somewhat bittersweet," Severus waited for her to explain. "I'm glad that she's happy and I'm glad that she's at least being friendly about accepting my school friends but she's still marrying a—a, well a _walrus_!"

Severus fought back a snort of laughter. "A walrus?" he questioned.

Lily smiled. "Well yeah," she shrugged, "He's overweight and he doesn't have a neck and he's snobby and obnoxious and I just can't stand him!" She sighed, "I suppose I won't be seeing much of him anyways." Severus didn't say anything but his gaze was questioning. "He's a very practical, realistic sort of person. Once they're married and Petunia tells him what I _am_ he'll probably convince her never to see me again."

"That doesn't seem fair. Would he hurt her?" Severus prompted, his face darkening.

"Oh, God no," Lily quickly assured. "He'd never hurt her but she loves him and if he asked her not to talk to me she'd probably agree. We aren't close enough for her to really care that much about losing me." They sat in silence for a moment. "And what about your family," Lily questioned cautiously, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but…" she trailed off nervously. "I hope you're not offended."

"It's alright," Severus sighed and studied the dry, cracked skin of the palms of his hands. He was silent for so long that Lily thought he wouldn't answer. "My mother was an ugly, unintelligent, boring girl and the only child of a rich, pureblood family," he started, "Tobias Snape was a poor, dirty, useless muggle. They started dating when my mother left Hogwarts. I think she only dated him because she knew he would drive her parents mad. At one point they told her she needed to end the relationship; they had a nice, pureblood marriage prepared for her. She was too stubborn," he sighed, pausing briefly to look at the fading sunlight," and she eloped with my father. She married him even though she knew that she would be disinherited. When he discovered that she would, in fact, inherit no money whatsoever he was furious. He was even further disgusted when she learned she was a witch. My earliest memory was of him beating her," Severus's voice broke off and he was silent for a long moment. When he continued, his voice was barely a whisper, "He was rude, demanding, and constantly drunk. She was too cowardly and in love to use magic on him. She believed that one day he would love her back. She was wrong. Once I could legally use magic, I stopped him from hurting her or my sister anymore, but once we went to school I couldn't stop him." His voice was filled with anguish and self blame, "I wasn't there, and he killed her."

Lily watched a silent tear slide down Severus's cheek. He was still staring at his hands with a dejected air. She didn't think as she leaned over and wrapped her arms around his shoulders comfortingly. She didn't say anything and she didn't move; she just sat there holding him until she didn't feel any more tears falling onto her hand. They gazed silently at the lake, both lost in their own maelstrom of sorrows.

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Lily couldn't sleep. She tossed and turned and pounded her pillow into more comfortable positions. She rolled over to check her clock; 2:47 it read. She sighed and rolled out of bed. She paced across the room restlessly, looking at the clock over and over. Finally she pulled on a sweatshirt and her sneakers. She knew she shouldn't be out of bed but she needed fresh air.

Lily was surprised at how easy it was for her to sneak out. She was through the corridors and into the entrance hall within five minutes. _Maybe we give those Marauders more credit then they deserve, _she thought to herself.

The doors open silently to the grounds outside. Lily sighed in relief when they closed behind her without a squeak. Lily felt chills run up her spine and she blamed the cold, winter air although she felt a certain foreboding as well. She could see as well as in the daylight under the full moon. Everything appeared silver in the moonlight. She sighed as she walked aimlessly past the greenhouses, her thoughts going over the same information again and again.

She was feeling much more tired and calm after just fifteen minutes of walking. She turned towards the school and began trudging slowly back. She jumped slightly at a bone-chilling howl from somewhere deep in the Forbidden Forest, another shiver running up her spine.

"Just some harmless little animal. My imagination's making it worse then it is," she reassured her self but she sped up anyways. She heard paw steps, slow and calculating from somewhere in the underbrush, the steps of something trying to keep hidden. With a frightened glance at the dark trees, Lily broke out into a full-fledged sprint.

She had hardly run a few steps when she heard a dog barking angrily just some thirty feet behind her and something much more fearful snarling in response. She tried to run but she felt like she was in a nightmare where each step is weighed down and you just can't run fast enough. She tried to scream but she couldn't find her voice. The snarling was closer and closer; she was still twenty yards from the school; she'd never make it.

Lily then did the most natural and the most foolish thing she could have done. She looked back. What met her eyes terrified Lily beyond any other emotion. A colossal, hungry, horrifying wolf was racing towards her, the look of a predator in its eyes. She vaguely noted the massive, shaggy, black dog running almost parallel to it. She tripped and tumbled to the ground, rolling several times. She looked up to see the wolf almost upon her. _What a bad night for a case of insomnia,_ she thought sarcastically to herself. Her eyes closed and she held up her hand as a last defense.

A chorus of high pitched, deafening yelps reached her ears. Lily opened her eyes, shocked that she was still alive. A huge white stag was standing in front of her protectively. Peering around it she saw the black dog chasing the wolf into the trees, barking madly as it went. The stag turned to look at her and she met its calming, hazel eyes with her own terrified, emerald ones. She was instantly pacified, breathing calmly once more. She sighed in relief and thankfulness, tentatively stroking the warm, smooth neck of the beautiful animal.

She sighed again in contented way; then the shock registered, and she fainted.

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When Lily came to she was lying on the couch of the Head's Common Room with someone calling her name.

"Lily, Lily," the voice insisted, "Come on Lily, wake up."

She shook her head and opened her eyes wider. "I'm awake," she announced groggily to a very worried James.

"Oh thank goodness," James grabbed her shoulders and hugged her tightly. Lily froze at the sudden embrace and then relaxed, hugging him back as her memory returned. "What were you doing?" he demanded, "Out there in the middle of the night. Think of what could have happened! Think of what _did_ happen! Why if I hadn't gotten there fast enough—" He stopped abruptly as though he had said something he oughtn't of.

"If _you _hadn't gotten there fast enough?" Lily questioned. "You weren't there, it was a white stag," Lily frowned at her words. "How odd," she whispered to herself. She met James's eyes and recognized their hazel depths immediately, having seen them just a few minutes before. "It was you," she accused softly.

James looked down sheepishly, glancing up to try and predict her feelings, "Yes."

"It was?" Lily seemed shocked for all she had predicted it. She sat bolt upright, her head spinning at the sudden change in altitude. "But how?"

"Now Lily," James started cautiously, "Don't be mad."

"Stop beating around the bush and tell me," Lily commanded. She was so caught up in her anticipation that she didn't even notice how close they were, or that her hand still rested in his.

James took a deep breath. "I'm an animagus."

"You're a _what_?"

"I was afraid of that," James muttered quietly, "An animagus, a person who can—"

"I know what an animagus is," Lily interrupted, "But when? Are you registered? Is Sirius too? And Remus? And Peter? And what about that wolf?"

"Whoa, whoa," James held up his hand to quiet her. "One at a time. I became an animagus in fifth year. I'm not registered; the ministry never would have let me try if they'd known what we were up too. Sirius is also an animagus; he was the black dog. Peter is a rat, and Remus, well he's sort of the reason we became animagi." James chewed thoughtfully on his lip. "He may be mad if I tell you, but it's necessary to explain," he said mostly to his self.

He glanced uncertainly at Lily's rapt gaze, "Tell me. You needn't tell him that I know."

James gulped, "Remus is a werewolf," he explained, holding his breath.

"And he's the one who tried to kill me?" she asked quietly. James waited for her to run screaming to Dumbledore but she was completely calm.

"Well," James searched for a nicer way to put it. "Yes," he failed.

"Okay," Lily nodded, her eyes serious and contemplating. "How?"

"How what?" James tried to get her to meet his eyes but she was oblivious to his attempts.

"How do you become and animagus?"

"Well it's a sort of long process," James started.

"How long?"

"It took us three years," James admitted, "But we had to do all the research and we only had a few years of magical training to work from."

"What about four months?" Lily finally met his eyes. "Could someone do it in four months?"

"That would be damn near impossible but if the person was determined enough," James was confused.

"I want to become one, too."

"I can't let you do that." James's answer was final.

"You need someone to warn you if there's a human close by, I could do that," Lily encouraged. "I want to help. Remus is my friend too and it should never be as close as it was tonight." 

"Lily," James shook his head firmly, "It's too dangerous. If you got hurt…"

"Then what?" Lily prompted. "If I got hurt it would be my fault for putting myself in harm's way. Besides, you're not the only animagus I know. I could ask Sirius, or worst case ask McGonnagall a few questions."

"I won't let you, Lily," James told her but his voice wavered slightly.

"Don't make me threaten you, James," Lily warned. "I now know that you and two of your friends are illegal animagi and that Remus is a werewolf. I can very well blackmail you with that."

"You wouldn't dare," James told her although his voice was uncertain; Lily sounded completely serious.

"And I could always purposefully put myself in harm's way, going out and wandering the grounds at every full moon…"

James sighed in defeat, burying his face in his hands. "Don't—do—that," he forced the words out. "I thought I was too late, and that you'd be…" he couldn't say it. "Promise me you won't ever, ever consider looking for Remus when he's like that," he looked up to meet her gaze, his eyes bright with unshed tears.

"I promise," Lily whispered, "But you have to promise me something in return."

"Anything," James cringed after he spoke at the unconditional vow.

"You have to help me become an animagus."

A/N: I really, really liked this chapter. Sorry I sort of sprung Serena's boyfriend on all of you. I couldn't find any other way to introduce him so I just squished him in. Anything off canon in Snape's history I'm sorry about. I'm only human. I can't wait to write the next chapter, exciting stuff coming up.


	8. Taking Flight

Author's Note:

I think this chapter is a little choppy, but I can't make it into two chapters because it just isn't long enough. I hope, no, I _know_, you guys will like it. (That was a big hint.)

Ch. 8 Taking Flight

Serena was mad. She had been friendly and open and caring, and what did he do? He lied.

"Damn you fucking liar," she muttered to herself. She was mad.

_What, did he think I was too delicate to understand what he is?_ She thought to herself as she stormed towards the Gryffindor Common Room. _It's not like I act like a scardy cat!_ She rounded a corner and crashed solidly into a very startled person.

"Sorry," she grumbled without looking at the person as she grabbed her bag off the floor and started to walk around them.

"Serena?" a voice she recognized asked. She instantly looked up and her eyes flashed when her assumption was proved true.

"You," she said in a low, menacing voice.

"Uh, me?" Remus stared at her uncertainly, deciding if he could out run her.

Suddenly Serena smiled, but her eyes showed that it was all a ruse. "So, how's that weak immune system of yours doing?" she asked in a falsely sweet voice, her eyes flashing. "You haven't been to the hospital for a while, probably not since the last full moon."

Remus blanched and turned slightly green. He grabbed Serena's arm and dragged her into the broom closet on the other side of the hall. "_What_ did you say?" he asked her, his voice somewhere between anger and fear.

"I said," Serena pulled her arm out of his grip, "that you conveniently always seem to be sick or have a relative's funeral on the nights of full moons.

"You know," it was a statement; his voice was both defeated and terrified.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Serena asked; surprised that he wasn't going to deny her assumed accusation. "I thought we were friends."

"You aren't mad?" he looked up from the floor.

"Hell yeah, I'm mad," she told him. "But not because of what you are."

His brows rose in question, "Well, why then?"

"Because you didn't tell me," Serena told him. She sighed deeply.

"But you don't hate me?" Remus's eyes were beginning to light up. "You don't want to run screaming, or have me kicked out of the school."

"No!" Serena shook her head in frustration. "You're my friend. Why the hell would I want one of my best friends kicked out of school?"

"Cause he's a werewolf." It was the first time either of them had said the word. It seemed to echo quietly in their ears.

"I don't care," Serena told him, slipping her hand into his and giving it a squeeze.

Remus's smile was so sudden and so thankful that Serena laughed. He threw his arms around her back and hugged her so tight she almost lifted off the ground. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," he whispered in her ear, "Thank you so much."

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Remus had never been happier for the next few months. After Serena's fury at his deception, he told Delia about his "furry little problem" and she was completely calm although, naturally, shocked. Once the entire group knew he could be much more relaxed around them and he opened up more.

The one place where he really opened up was at Lily's animagus lessons in the Room of Requirement. He found he enjoyed being able to talk about being a werewolf instead of always being on his guard. It was on one such night that he finally told Lily what it was like.

"The change is really painful," he told Lily. "But even worse is the feeling that you're losing yourself. Slowly my self awareness drifts away and no matter how hard I struggle to keep it, it slips through my fingers like smoke." He held up his hands and waved his fingers, pantomiming smoke rising through his fingers.

"Do you remember anything after you, change?" Lily asked him cautiously.

"Sometimes," he started, "I feel like I'm kept more human, and I keep more control when I don't make the change alone. When James, Sirius, and Peter are with me I can sense their human personalities and so I retain mine."

"Fascinating," Lily was staring at him in a rather unnerving manner.

"Anyways," James interrupted them, walking over and helping Lily stand. "Ready for another practice?" he asked her.

"Of course," Lily assured him with a quick and sharp smile; she was a bit annoyed that he'd interrupted her and Remus's conversation.

"Well then," Sirius stood on the other side of the room where he had been engrossed in a book (strange, right?). "I'd best be off to detention, I've got lines" he announced. Professor McGonnagall had caught him snogging his current girlfriend, Patricia Meterson, in a broom cupboard the night before. "_I will not snog exceptionally hot babes in broom cupboards, I will not snog exceptionally hot babes in broom cupboards…_" he pretended to write in the air. James laughed and clapped him on the back, Remus chuckled lightly, and Lily raised one eyebrow accusingly. He shrugged at her disapproving look and sauntered towards the door. Just as he reached the doorframe he paused. "And try not to keep our dear Jamesie up too late, won't you, Lillian?" he asked over his shoulder.

"Not at all, _Siri_," Lily said in a little girl voice as she marched over to him and pushed him out the door, slamming it behind him.

"I'd better be going too," Remus told them with a shrug as he stood slowly, straightening his stiff legs. "I have to patrol tonight," he told them glumly.

"Why don't you skip tonight, Moony?" James asked, "Ditching is healthy once in a while. God knows; you'd be able to come up with an excuse."

Remus glared at James and shook his head regretfully but said nothing. Instead he turned his attention to Lily, "Have a good night Lily." With that he walked to the door.

Lily sighed and turned back to James. "I've been meaning to ask you," she started, but then hesitated.

"Yes?" James encouraged.

"Well, where do your nicknames come from?" she asked.

James laughed, having been expecting some awful life or death philosophical question. "From our animagus forms," he informed her. "I'm Prongs for a stag, Sirius is Padfoot for a dog, Peter is Wormtail for a rat, and Remus is Moony for a werewolf."

"Oh," Lily said, nodding. "So then can I have a nickname too, once I've become an animagus?" she asked. "You even said last week that I was almost there. I might even change for the first time today."

"Of course you can have a nickname," James laughed at her enthusiasm. "But we'll have to pick it out as a group, not just you and me."

"Good," Lily smiled and her eyes lit up.

For the next hour James showed her the last of the Marauder's personal notes about becoming animagi. They added the last few ingredients to the potion she would have to drink and he taught her the incantation, _animorphmagi encanti, _as well as the complex wand movement. They were extremely careful; not knowing how bad the consequences would be should they fail.

"Okay, lets do it," Lily encouraged after she performed the wand movement flawlessly for what felt like the hundredth time. The potion had started emitting rumbling noises, like thunder and pale, pale green sparks were shooting off of it, exactly as described in _Animagi Encyclopedia,_ which James had stolen from the Forbidden Section of the Library.

James looked at her dubiously, "Are you sure?"

"I'm ready," Lily told him. "What more can we do?"

"Try to sleep all night but really be awake and thinking about the fact that you're about to break one of the most serious wizarding laws?" James suggested. "Or thinking about the fact that you'll be running around in the night with a psychotic, no offense to Moony, werewolf once you've made the change?"

"You did, and you do," Lily accused, popping her hip to the side and folding her arms. "You promised to help me," she reminded him.

"But, but," James looked for any sort of objection, "The guys will have wanted to be here, Moony, Wormtail and Padfoot."

Lily sighed. "You're right, I do feel a bit bad about that," she admitted. James visibly relaxed. "I know," she ran over to James's bag and grabbed a small, hand held, silver mirror out of it. "Sirius," she called into it, "Psst, Sirius."

"How'd you know about that?" James asked her.

"I do talk to my brother, on occasion you know," Lily reminded him. "Shhh," she hushed him as Sirius's face appeared.

"Lily?" he sounder surprised. "Where's James?"

"He's right here," Lily answered hurriedly. "I'm ready to try the spell and James won't let me because he thinks everyone else should be here."

"What?" Sirius asked. "That's bullshit, you hear me James? That bullshit!" He shook his head, or at least it looked like he shook his head to Lily; he could have just been moving the mirror. "Why would you need us to be there? We'll see you change form plenty of times afterwards. The first time you change you'll only want to stay for a few minutes anyways because it'll drain your power. Tell James to cut the crap and I look forward to knowing what your animagus form is _tonight_." With that Sirius put down his mirror and the connection was lost.

Lily turned to smirk at James. "Sirius say to cut the crap and he wants to know what my animagus form is by tonight," she repeated although she knew he'd heard.

James took a deep breath, "You're positive you want to go through with this?" he asked her. "You can say no and no one will think any worse of you. They may even think better of you knowing that you're not insane."

"A thousand times, yes!" Lily insisted, somewhat touched by his concern.

"Fine," he walked over to the cauldron in the corner and filled a vile with exactly one and one sixth of a cup of the potion. He handed it to Lily with a shaking hand and stepped back.

"Here's to," Lily hesitated, thinking of something to toast. "Here's to you," she decided and James's dark face lightened a bit, just a tiny bit. Then she shot the potion down quickly.

It tasted sweet and addictive, like a honeysuckle bloom, and she hesitated, wanting to savor the rich flavor. Then she saw James's face and gulped hard. The book said they had to drink the potion quickly or it wouldn't work. She pulled her wand out of her pocked and grimaced at James. He was looking pale and a tinge green.

"_Animorphmagi Encanti_," she said slowly and perfectly, being sure to annunciate each syllable specifically. A tingly feeling filled Lily's arms and legs and a high singing filled her ears. Pale green smoke, almost white, swirled around her slowly, forming a cocoon of mist. At first it was transparent and she could see James's mystified face. Then it gradually grew opaque, blocking all light but the eerie, greenish light it produced. Lily stretched and felt her body shrink into a much smaller shape. Her arms expanded outward and her legs shortened. She closed her eyes as she felt them changing, becoming sharper, stronger. Her toes turned to clawed, hook like feet. She felt lighter, much lighter, as though her very bones had lost mass. Finally she felt her face change, it condensed and sharpened to a point. Then, suddenly, all the mist disappeared and she was free.

Lily swooped across the room, scarcely paying attention to her success, just the sudden speed and silence she felt in her body. She did, however, notice James's cheers. With her tremendously strong ears, it sounded like thousands of people screeching in a cave where the echo reverberates thousands of times. Lily made one last turn about the room and then soared over to land on James's upraised arm. She sat completely still and stared into his eyes. She closed them and concentrated on her human form and suddenly, she was standing on her own two feet again.

"I'm an owl," she told James in a dazed voice.

He chuckled, "I noticed. A beautiful dark, dark brown owl."

"I did it," she slowly lost the fog in her eyes as excitement replaced the awe, "I really, really did it."

"You really, really did," James told her proudly, all his disgruntled feelings lost at her happiness.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" Lily threw her arms around James's neck and hugged him tight. "This is incredible."

James hesitated at the sudden embrace and then wrapped his arms around the small of Lily's back and hugged her in return. "Any time dear," he told her, "Especially if I get this kind of reaction next time too."

Lily's arms let go at his words but James kept his wrapped around her waist. "Oh yeah, ha, ha," she remarked sarcastically, laughing off her embarrassment. "Were you really that worried?" she asked.

"I still am," James told her quietly.

Lily's smile was rueful, "I'm sorry for that. Thanks for caring." He had released his hold on her but they were still just inches apart.

"I'll always care Lily," James told her quietly, "I love you."

Lily's face flickered through thousands of feelings like a filmstrip, embarrassment, relief, anger, flattery, fear, satisfaction, sorrow, contentment, and, _love_? She stepped back slowly.

"James," her voice was slow and regretful but her eyes were accusatory, and disappointed that he had ruined their easy friendship. "James, don't," she begged him.

There wasn't any filmstrip on James's face; all his energy was focused on one feeling, pain, indescribable, uncontained, pure, anguished pain. He didn't plead, beg, cajole, grovel, anything. He just walked from the room. Lily watched him go in complete regret as tears began to slip down her cheeks.

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Severus walked through the halls on a purpose. He looked down each hallway as he passed. He hoped to run into her without going to the Common Room. He didn't want to deal with that fool who thought he loved her.

Severus knew he needed to apologize. He had been cruel to her for years but now they were friends, now they talked and she cared for him. She was the only one who cared for him. The first one to care for him.

He had to tell her he loved her. Had to tell her before it was too late, before he lost her to that fool. He needed to see her, had to tell her…

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James felt a tear squeeze through the corner of his eye. He wiped it away furiously but it was just replaced by a new one. He hardly watched his surroundings; he didn't need to think anymore when he walked in the castle, his feet would find their way.

It was late. That much he noticed. The halls were empty and there was the silence he recognized from his many nighttime wanderings as the result of many sleeping people.

_How could you be so stupid?_ He asked his self. _You were friends. Wasn't that enough? She cared about you for once and you threw it down the toilet. You had to go lovey on her and she rejected you again. You should have seen it coming; she's only rejected you hundreds of times before._ He pinched the bridge of his nose to fight the coming headache. He needed to calm down; _she would be his friend again. Of course she would,_ he reassured his self. _"James!" He could even hear her voice, "James."_ Wait he really could hear her voice.

"James," Lily chased him down the hall, frantically sprinting. "James, stop!" She thought she heard someone call her name from a side passageway but she ignored it.

James turned to look at her briefly and then he kept walking. "You don't have to worry Lily," he called over his shoulder. "I'll pretend it never happened. You can pretend I never said it."

Lily had stopped running a few feet behind him. "But I don't want to," she whispered. He turned slowly, disbelief etched on every feature on his face. "I don't want to forget what you said," she told him in a louder voice.

"You don't?" James took a slow step towards her, hope dominating his eyes.

Lily laughed through her tears at his shock. "No," she shook her head through the laughter. The torchlight cast shadows on her face, emphasizing her sudden elation.

James took another slow step towards her. "But then you," he paused, unwilling to believe her, fearing being hurt again.

"God, guys are so stupid!" Lily exclaimed. She reached up and grabbed the back of James's neck and pulled his face down to meet hers and kissed him as fiercely as she could. She pulled away for a moment, searching his eyes for a reaction. All she saw was complete and total adoration. "I love you too," she whispered against his lips.

A second later she had her arms wrapped around his neck and he was kissing her back as fiercely as she. Lily finally got to run her hands through his already messy black hair. _It's as amazing and soft as I'd thought,_ she thought to her self. He pressed her against the wall and pulled away briefly, a hand on either side of her head.

His voice was husky, "You have no idea how long I have waited to hear that," he confided in her. He bent his neck to kiss her again but hesitated as she spoke.

"I think I have an idea," she informed him. He didn't respond, just smiled and kissed her again.

Just around the corner Severus Snape was pressed against the wall, tears pouring down his face and his chest heaving as he tried to keep breathing.

He was too late. She didn't love him. Potter had won again. He felt every seed of compassion he had left within him wither and die. She didn't love him. He swore every person in the castle could hear his heart breaking. She didn't love him. He never told her how he felt. But it didn't matter; she didn't love him.

A/N: Nice little emo ending to an otherwise really happy chapter. I guess I couldn't take that much happiness in one chapter. Just kidding, I'm not that depressed, see... D


	9. Shock

Author's Note:

This one is fluffy at the beginning but I couldn't have a whole chapter of nothing really so there's some important stuff at the end.

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN IT!

Ch. 9 Shock

"More coffee, Lily?" James asked Lily dotingly, holding the pot gently in his hand.

"Oh yes, please." Lily grinned and lifted herself slightly from her seat to kiss his cheek, "You're so thoughtful."

A half-chewed piece of sausage fell out of Sirius's mouth.

"Lily don't drink that," Delia advised firmly. "Potter's spiked it with Amortentia."

"Delia, I can't believe you!" Lily pouted a bit. Serena knocked over a glass of pumpkin juice. "James would never do that," she continued, "Would you?" She turned to James who was leaning on his elbow and gazing dreamily at her. He didn't answer. "James?"

"No, no, of course not," he answered, snapping back to reality. "I would never. Besides, Delia, if I had been planning on hood winking her I would have done it long before now."

Delia's eyes narrowed as Lily smiled victoriously at her and then returned her full attention to James. She watched them for a moment then turned to look at Sirius who had continued his eating, although with less appetite then before.

"If this is some sort of joke you've come up with," she started threateningly.

Sirius opened his eyes wide and innocent. "Would I do that?" he asked.

Delia was unaffected by his charm. "Yes."

"Well, I didn't," he returned happily to his food although every few minutes he would glance up curiously at James and Lily's faces in complete confusion.

"What happened to you two?" Remus asked, the first to address the two personally about their (or at least Lily's) sudden change of sentiments. "You're acting like you're married."

"I came to my senses," Lily informed him. Under the table she found James's hand and squeezed it gently. "Luckily James is the most patient man on Earth." She leaned her head against his shoulder.

Delia choked on her sip of tea. "Too hot," she lied. James and Lily weren't listening.

"Mmm, Lily," James held out a piece of toast. "You have to try this blueberry jelly. It's incredible."

Lily obligingly took a bite of his already bitten bread. "That is good," she agreed, "But it's jam, not jelly, James."

Peter fell out of his chair.

The rest of the school had similar reactions. James carried all her books for her and was late for every one of his classes that wasn't shared with her as he insisted on escorting her to each room. When Professor Myrtle, the Ancient Runes teacher (James had only signed up for the class because Lily was in it) caught them passing notes she lapsed into complete silence for a full minute and then burst into joyful tears and dismissed the class early on account of a " most wondrous miracle".

In many cases, people reacted similar to Professor Myrtle, joyful and glad that the two top students and Head Boy and Girl had _finally_ started dating. Others, namely Slytherins, didn't care. A great many girls, most in younger years, began sobbing on sight, as well as a few of the younger boys. There was one however, who's grief surpassed all other's.

Severus Snape paced his dormitory, glad that he was the only one inclined to remain inside on the surprisingly warm day, for March. He ran a hand through his hair. He looked at it disgustedly and then wiped the greasy residue off on his robes.

_No wonder she doesn't love you,_ his bitter side told him. _Why would anyone care for you?_

_But she said she cared, _he fought back._ She told me she cared. She was the only one who ever cared. Maybe it would have been different if I'd told her sooner._

_No it wouldn't, _the cruel voice in his head returned

_Why would she have saved me on the roof if she didn't care? _He asked.

_She does care, just not about you. She cared about looking like a hero, and probably she's afraid of seeing blood,_ the voice retorted.

_Not Lily,_ Severus couldn't listen, he wouldn't listen. _She's not like that_.

_Everyone's like that, _the voice laughed at him._ The only person anyone cares about is his or her own self. Even you._

_That's not true, _he insisted.

_It's not?_ The voice sniggered, mocking him.

_Yes, _Severus thought, but it was more a question then a convicted statement._ She's my friend though, _he continued when the voice didn't comment_, If I'd told her before bloody Potter got to her _(he conveniently forgot that Lily had been the one chasing after James)_ then she would have—_

_She would have what? Kissed you like she did Potter?_ He could hear the voice smirking.

He flinched, unintentionally_, No, no she'd have, she'd have…_

_Exactly, _the voice was victorious

_But I still love her, _he was pleading now but the voice was unsympathetic

So what? It demanded. _Where will that get you? A one-way ticket to the permanent ward at St. Mungo's after you drive yourself mad seeing them together constantly. You're not an idiot; you've seen Potter after her all these years. Now that he's got her he won't be letting her go. One day they'll get married, and have children with Potter's mop of unruly hair and her sparkling emerald eyes—_

_Stop!_ Severus interrupted as tears streamed down his cheeks. _Don't! I can't, I can't hear that. No! No, that can't, that isn't. _He lost all composure and sank to the cold stone floor in the middle of the empty dorm room.

_You have to hear it; _the voice was cold and heartless. _You have to get over her._

_But I can't._

_You MUST! _The voice was angry now, not amused

_But I can still be her friend? _He begged

_No. How would you get over her and still be her friend. Besides, she won't have time for you anymore. You just wait. See if she comes looking for you any time soon. She'll be shopping in Hogsmeade and snogging in broom cupboards. _

_Stop! _Severus insisted again_. I can't take it. _He caught his breath and held back the need to sob uncontrollablyAs his breathing steadied he gathered his thoughts._ But what if I tell her how I feel, what if she does love me?_

_She doesn't, _the voice stated it like a fact._ But if you need proof think back to last night. You called to her but she didn't listen. She ran to James instead of you._

Severus choked back another fit of hysteria_. So that's it? She never loved me? She never even cared?_

_That's it._

_So what do I do?_

_That's up to you, but don't try killing yourself again. She won't save you next time; she'll be too wrapped up in Potter and you don't want to throw your life away. _Severus flinched again. _Find something useful to do, something important._

_Like what? _He was desperate for any distraction; anything to save him from the dark pit of despair he was falling into

_What do you think? _The voice trailed off suggestively

"I know," Severus whispered to his self. He stood and wiped away his tears. A deep breath steadied him and relaxed his tense muscles. He forced his love for Lily into a deep hole in the bottom of his heart and sealed it away, never to be thought of again.

What he didn't realize was that forcing something to the bottom of one's heart in never a very good idea. It has a tendency of breaking free and completely numbing all the senses to any emotion but pain. But to destroy his love he found his self incapable of doing and so it lingered on, always to be in the back of his mind for the rest of his miserable life.

He slowly walked down the staircase to the Slytherin Common Room, with each step regaining a bit of the natural arrogance and supremacy in his air that all Slytherins have. In the Common Room he found Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Black and several of their cronies.

"I have thought about it and I would like to accept your offer, Malfoy," he said calmly; no one in the room could have guessed that he'd been lying on the floor, weeping only minutes before.

"I'm glad," Lucius smirked at his companions and then looked to Severus again.

"It would be my honor to serve the Dark Lord."

A/N: An even more emo ending then the last one. I actually really like the way this chapter came out. It certainly explains why Snape is such a cynical person when he's older, and why he hates Harry so much. Now I'm going to go read and/or write something more cheerful. Review, review review!


	10. Maybe Its Contagious

Author's Note: 

Sorry about the language. When someone is mad they tend to be a bit loose with their language. And boy, is someone mad.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Ch. 10 Must Be Contagious

"Where are you?" Filch wheezed. "I know you're around here somewhere." Remus quieted his breathing behind a tapestry. "Trapping my cat in a suit of armor, evil, evil people," the new caretaker hadn't had a very friendly reception at the school. Remus chuckled to his self. He'd lost Sirius, James and Peter at some point when they were running away but he'd find them later. He chuckled as he snuck through the door behind the tapestry and headed off to another part of the school. There was no way he could be linked to Mrs. Norris's unfortunate situation.

He swept back another tapestry and strolled down the corridor, thinking about the upcoming transformation in a few nights.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!"

He knew that voice. He was outside the room where the yell had come from.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Serena was no longer yelling but her voice was perhaps even more frightening low and quiet. "You asshole! Did you think I wouldn't find out?"

Remus rather wished he wasn't listening to this conversation. "No! Well, I mean," whoever this guy was, he was a complete idiot.

"Ahg!" Serena let out a scream of frustration. "You're impossible. You are fucking impossible! How could you? And with her?"

"I'm sorry, Serena," he was pleading with her. Remus told his self to step back. He crept towards the passage he had just exited. "This didn't work out. You're just going to move on." The door opened and a Ravenclaw boy Remus recognized came forth.

"You're a coward, Huck!" Serena screamed from inside the room. "A bloody coward." Her voice broke and it was clear she was crying. The boy, Huck, hesitated but then he shook his head and continued away, not even noticing Remus standing right there.

Remus stared at the open doorway. He considered leaving Serena to cope by herself but he changed his mind and approached the door cautiously. "Serena?" he asked quietly.

She was sitting on the floor by the window, her knees pulled up to her face, her robes absorbing her tears. "Just go away," she told him without looking up.

"He was never good enough for you," Remus told her, taking a step into the room. "You're better off without him."

"I said, go away," Serena looked up at him, her gray eyes bright with tears, asking him to leave but begging him to stay.

"No." He took another step forward.

"What?" she raised her head a bit further, her old, proud defiance starting to show through.

"I said, no." He watched her, half expecting her to scream at him and half expecting her to hug him.

She did neither. "Fine, stay. I don't care," she turned her face away from him. Her hair— which was, for once, her natural color— blocking her face from him.

"I think you do care," Remus walked over and sat on the floor next to her. She didn't look at him. "I think you care so much that it scares you."

Serena didn't reply; she was scared. "He's my third boyfriend who's cheated on me," she told him. "I've never had a relationship that lasted longer then two months, and that was only once." Remus tucked a piece of hair behind her ear so that he could see her face. The tears were flowing freer now; he gently wiped one away. "I always pick the bad guys. I'm so stupid."

"You're not stupid," Remus protested. "You just have bad taste."

Serena chuckled at the understatement. "Really bad taste," she amended. She took the handkerchief he offered and wiped her eyes with it, a bit of her eyeliner coming off as black smudges on the white linen. She laughed again, shakily as the tears dispersed. "I must be a spectacle."

"You're beautiful." Remus told her truthfully.

She laughed at him. "You're just being nice," she told him but still she smiled at the complement.

"No," he smiled at her loving gray blue eyes. "I'm just being honest."

"You're too good." She leaned her head against his shoulder. "You're far too good to me."

"That's what I'm here for," Remus joked. He paused, unsure of her reaction. "Serena," he began quietly.

"Yes?" she lifted her head to look at him.

"You know I'd never hurt you," he told her softly.

She smiled. "I know," she answered. "But now I have a question for you."

"Yes?"

"When are you going to just kiss me already?" she asked him with a grin. Remus didn't answer. He just leaned towards her and kissed her softly.

That night at dinner Remus held Serena's hand under the table. Across from them Lily and James were sitting happily together although they were no longer acting sickeningly sweet to each other. Delia and Sirius were talking with them about NEWTS and Peter was listening in without anything worthwhile to add.

Remus looked at Serena who nodded slightly. "Uh, guys?" he asked.

"Hmm?" Lily looked up. As soon as she was paying attention to someone else, James's attention was also drawn. Delia was smirking slightly and Sirius looked expectant.

"Um, well," Remus wasn't sure exactly what he had intended to say. "Me and Serena,"

"Serena and I," Sirius corrected.

"Since when do you know anything about proper English?" James asked him. But Delia shushed them.

"Yes," Remus continued, "Serena and I," he paused again.

"We're dating," Serena finished for him. He smiled in thanks.

"About time," Lily commented.

"Of all people Lily," Sirius laughed, "I don't think you should be the one saying anything." She glared at him.

"Aren't you surprised?" Remus was incredulous.

"No, why would we be?" Delia asked. "You two have been giving each other looks for weeks."

James laughed. "You were almost as obvious as I was with Lily."

Remus snorted. "Yes but I didn't pour pumpkin juice all over Serena the first time I met her cause I thought she was cute."

Lily laughed, "I forgot about that. I'll have to come up with proper punishment."

James glared at Remus but he wasn't even looking. "Lily dear," he took both her hands, "You wouldn't still be bitter over an offence from seven years ago, would you?"

"Oh yes I would." Lily grinned. "You have seven years of payback coming for you, James." He looked thrilled at the idea.

"Look at them," Delia chuckled. She and Sirius looked at the two couples. Serena and Remus just sitting in happy silence and James pleading with Lily. "They're a hoot."

"They'll be married the day we leave Hogwarts," Sirius agreed. He turned back to his food but glanced up at Delia and was caught, staring at her expression.

She was clearly glad to see her friends happy but there was something else on her face. There was a longing, a desire to be loved, to be in a relationship. But he saw something else, regret, painful sorrowful regret. Remembrance of a love lost, a love that she blamed herself for the loss of.

"Must be contagious," he commented, pulling her out of her reverie. She smiled. "Next thing you know we'll catch it and be hitched before we know it, just like the rest of them."

Delia laughed at him. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

"I believe that means I'm asking you to go to that ball Dumbledore asked Lily and James to plan all those months ago," he told her.

"Sirius," Delia looked down, unable to hold his gaze. "The ball's not for another month."

"Yeah but I wanted to make sure I got you before somebody else," he grinned.

"Then I'm happy to accept," she smiled right back.

A/N: Hooray for a happy chapter! I had so much fun writing about happy people. Sorry it was so short. Unfortunately, it's all down hill from here and I can't promise any happiness in the next few chapters.


	11. All But Perfect

Author's Note:

Deathly Hallows is AMAZING! Sorry it took so long to update, that's why. I was rereading HPs one through 6 before reading the holiness that is Harry Potter 7. [A moment of silence for the deceased. No, I won't say who so as not to spoil for those who haven't finished and not to give away to those pathetic people who don't read the books.

Happiness: Life is such a marvelous thing. And isn't it just grand to be living in this lovely world? I love you guys and everybody else in the world. Everything's perfect and everybody's happy. Don't you love being to cheerful?

All right. Unless you go read something else, that's all the happiness you're going to read in this chapter.

Disclaimer: JK's ingenious work, just like Deathly Hallows!

Ch. 11 All but Perfect

Delia watched the horizon from the bay window next to Lily's bed. Lily was in the bathroom trying on her dress for the ball that night.

She hugged her knees up to her body and attempted to forget about the chill she hadn't been able to fight off all day. The rays of sunlight that reached the windowpanes were filtered and hazy from the thick storm clouds gathering overhead. Delia watched as the last golden beam disappeared behind the mountains.

"What do you think?" Lily entered in a dazzling, shimmery blue silk floor length dress. The thin fabric clung to her body and set off her pale skin so that she seemed to glow. When she moved tiny crystals in the fabric caught the light and sparkled playfully.

"You look beautiful Lils," Delia smiled and stood. "He'll love it."

Lily gave her a little smile in thanks but she'd caught the distressed taint to Delia's voice. "What's wrong," she took her friend's hand and sat her down on the bed. "Are you alright?"

"Look at the horizon," Delia gestured towards the dark window. Lily looked at the clouds but there wasn't anything to suggest something out of the ordinary. She looked quizzically at her friend and noticed with a start that her friend's gaze had gone fuzzy, as though she was looking at something in a different dimension.

"There's a storm brewing," Delia continued in a low melodic voice. "I feel like it's too good to last, all this happiness. You and James finally dating, Remus and Serena as a couple, and Me and Sirius going to the ball together, it's going to end; it has to end. I don't know why, or how, but I can tell you with certainty that tonight will change a lot of things, and it will set things in motion."

"What things?" Lily asked quietly, realizing subconciously that there was some mystic importance to Delia's words. "What will change? What will be set in motion?"

Delia just shook her head and her eyes eturned to focusing on Lily. "I don't know."

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"Wow, Serena," Lily complimented. "You look great." Serena's dress was flowy and a bright, spicy red color. She hadn't died her hair so it was it's usual dark brown color.

"You too," Serena held out a hand which Lily spun under so that her friend could see the full effect of the dress. They sood just to the side of the doors from the Entrance Hall. Girls in fancy dresses and guys in their nicest dress robes flowed past, chattering excitedly for the fist dance they'd ever attended.

"Thanks," Lily hugged her. "Have you seen James?" she threw a quick glance around the almost full Great Hall turned ballroom. "He was supposed to meet me here at the doors five minutes ago."

"No I haven't," Serena stood on her tiptoes and craned her neck to spot the messy black hair of her good friend.

"I'd like to dedicate this song to my girlfriend, Lily, the most amazing girl in the world," a voice they all knew too well announced over the microphone. James jumped off the stage as the band started up a slow song. He made his way through the crowd with his usual lopsided grin to his speechless girlfriend. "Dance with me?" he whispered in Lily's ear.

Lily just nodded and followed him to the middle of the dance floor. She wrapped her arms around his neck and was pleasantly surprised to see that in her three inch heals she almost reached his height. With a contented sigh Lily buried her face into his shoulder, mindless of the make up Serena had done for her.

"What are you thinking?" James asked her in a whisper.

"Actually I was watching Professor Dumbledore dancing with Professor Myrtle," she confided, also whispering. The two laughed together at the tiny Ancient Runes teacher trying to get her arms all the way around the very tall Headmaster's neck.

"She needs a good pair of heals," James suggested.

"Or platforms."

"Or a stool." They ducked their heads as a few heads turned towards their laughter. "Really though, what are you thinking?" James's voice compelled Lily to look up and meet his gaze. She felt her heart start at the love and passion she saw there.

"I was thinking of how long this was in coming." James's deep chuckle was encouraging and she continued, "And how stupid I was to avoid you for half the year."

"You're not stupid," James reassured her. "Just misguided." He kissed the top of her head.

"Misguided," Lily repeated. "Yup that's me."

"At least you came to your senses eventually," James added. "Last year you would have preferred to snog Sirius then even talk to me."

"That's not true!" Lily protested.

"Actually it is," she could hear the smile in his voice and she knew he was teasing. "You even said that once to me when I asked you out last year. I remember because Sirius spent half the night in the bathroom brushing his teeth repeatedly at the very thought."

"I'm not a bad kisser," Lily continued the joke argumentatively. "You should know."

"Oh I do," James reassured her. "But he doesn't. And I don't intend to let him find out." Lily nuzzled closer to him, smiling at his possessiveness. "Speaking of which." James placed a finger under her chin to raise her face to his. He looked into her ees for a long moment and then kissed her.

All too soon the song was over and James led Lily over to the edge of the room. "Do you want anything? A drink?"

"Water would be lovely," Lily kissed his cheek. "Thanks."

James bowed mockingly. "Right away my lady." He hurried off towards the refreshment table. Lily watched Serena and Remus dancing happily together. She'd never seen brighter smiles on either of their faces.

"Can I talk to you?" Lily spun around quickly at a voice behind her.

"You startled me," she smiled at Severus Snape. "Of course." She followed him into an empty corridor just outside the Great Hall. They could still hear the music and laughter on the other side of the wall but the thick stones muffled all noise.

Lily waited patiently for him to speak. He seemed to struggle for the right words to say but after giving her a long look, sighed in frustration. "I've rehearsed what I would say but now that I'm seeing you I can't make myself lie."

"What-" Lily cocked her head to the side in confusion.

"You're killing me Lily," he said quietly.

Lily strained her eyes to see him; he was in the dark place between two torches. "What are you talking about Severus?" she took a step forward to see him better.

"You," he gestured a hand at her. "Just you. Your perfect smile and your cheerfulness and your laugh and your brilliant hair and everything about you. You're destroying me. I thought I could be strong enough but I'm not."

"Strong enough for what?" Lily tried to make her voice soothing as she spoke to him.

"Strong enough to get over you," he was becoming frantic. "Don't you see, Lily? Haven't you figured it out?" Lily stared at him blankly. "I'm in love with you," he screamed it but Lily was sure that no one could have heard through the heavy stone.

Lily gasped and raised a hand to her mouth. How could she have been so blind? "No you're not," she finally found her voice. "Sev, don't blow things out of proportion. We only just became friends. How can you love me?"

"How can I not love you?" he asked but Lily didn't have an answer. "Did you really not know?" he was desperate now. "No, how could you not know?" He turned his face away from her nodding head. "I always liked you Lily, I just hid it well, but I think I've loved you since that day on the roof. You rescued me from myself." He started pacing as his voice picked up momentum.

"And then I gave you the CD. The only other person who's ever heard that is my sister," he rubbed his forehead with a hand. "And I told you about my family. You're the only person I ever explained my family to. You're the only person who ever wanted to hear." He stopped pacing to face her. "Why Lily?" he was begging her now and for all her life Lily would wish she had been able to relieve him honestly of his pain. "Why didn't you see? Understand? Why don't you love me? Why do you love him?"

"Severus," Lily held out her hands and let them drop. "I can't make myself love someone. I don't know why we love who we do; it's just how it is."

"Why?" A few tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. Lily thought to comfort him but she knew it would make it worse. He needed to make this decision without persuasion from her or anyone else. He straightened up and his face changed; it became darker and controlled. "I am sorry my love is not returned."

"Sev," Lily took a step forward but he held up a hand to silence her.

"I have joined the service of the Dark Lord," he told her emotionlessly. "I have no further need of love, only power. I see now that it leads to heartbreak and anguish. I thank you for revealing this to me."

"Don't," Lily attempted to interrupt again.

"No," Severus wouldn't listen. "You must listen. If me meet again outside school," he continued, "We will no longer be friends. I'm sorry that the paths we have each chosen oppose each other. When we meet it will be as enemies. Do not worry; I am an accomplished Occlumens. I will not reveal to the Dark Lord or any of his followers the secrets of your past. I must ask for the same courtesy." Lily nodded, tears streaming down her face. "Then, enjoy the rest of your night."

Lily watched as his back disappeared into the darkness of the hallway. "Oh, Sev," she whispered into the mufflin darkness, "Don't throw your life away for me." She leaned back into the wall and sunk to the floor, realizing for the first time that she was crying.

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Serena was uneasy. She sat and watched her boyfriend who was talking with a friend of his from Ravenclaw, a female friend. The girl had curly light brown hair and a pleasant smile. Serena didn't feel a tinge of jealousy. She knew Remus was the most honest and loving of people. She didn't have a reason to be jealous.

She thought of how Huck would have reacted to seeing her talking to another guy at a dance. She probably would have been subjected to a cross-examination. She smiled half-heartedly at Remus as he came over to sit next to her. "You okay?" he asked concernedly. He pressed the back of his hand to her forehead. "No temp."

"I'm just a bit peaky," she lied. "Can we go for a walk?"

"Sure," Remus stood and offered her his arm, which she pretended not to see.

Once they were outside Serena breathed easier. "Ah, a crescent moon," Remus smiled at her then turned to look at the sliver of white in the sky. "My favorite type."

Serena watched his face in the dim moonlight. He was so full of hope and life and happiness and innocence, as opposed to her. "This isn't working, Remus," she told him. "This relationship."

"What do you mean?" Remus was watching her now, his forehead furrowed in confusion.

"You have nothing to do with it," she looked toward Hagrid, the gamekeeper's cabin, at the moon, at the greenhouses, at anything but him. "We've been my friend for a long time, you've seen the relationships I get involved in. I've left so many unresolved. I need to end things I couldn't find the courage to end and say the things I was to afraid to say. You are everything I wish I still was, compassionate, trusting, trustworthy. the past few weeks have been mmy safe haven, and I thank you for that, but I can't run from my past. I refuse to drag you into the mess I've made of my life. Do you get it?"

He nodded but she could see he only half understood her. "I'm really sorry, Remus," she gave him a quick hug but she had to turn and run before he saw her tears.

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Sirius stared up the staircase at Delia when he first saw her. She was stunning as usual in a floor length simple black dress. Her dark brunette hair was pulled up into an elegant knot on the back of her head and her jewelry was silver. She had long white satin gloves that went up to her elbow.

Delia smiled shyly back at him and then began to spin slowly in a circle. She smiled again when she saw his awed expression after she had turned all the way around. She had expected his reaction to the back line. It plunged to a V at the small of her back, exposing much more tanned skin than any shirt she'd ever worn. (A/N: Think Kate Hudson's yellow dress at the end of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days but without the crisscrossing pieces).

"You look amazing," Sirius commented quietly when she reached the bottom of the stairs. He raised a hand behind her back as though to guide her into the Great Hall but thought better of it and allowed his hand to fall limply back to his side.

All thoughts of depression and brewing storms and fading perfection disappeared from Delia's mind as the night grew long. It was impossible to be melancholy or even solemn in Sirius's presence. He was all courtesy and cheerfulness and attention and Delia found her self forgetting every misfortune she'd been dwelling on earlier in the day.

It was the last song of the night when Delia even noticed that they hadn't seen any of their friends since the very beginning of the ball. "Sirius," she asked, raising her head from his shoulder, "Where is everyone?"

He looked around the hall at her request and noticed that neither Remus and Serena nor James and Lily were in sight. "I don't know, perhaps off in some broom cupboard snogging," he suggested. "Separate broom cupboards, I'd warrant."

Delia chuckled lightly as they rotated slowly on the spot. "I'm sure." She closed her eyes and listened to the music for the first time that night.

_I've denied too long, how I want your touch;_

_I've avoided too long, the feel of your skin._

_How I've wanted without knowing, the feel of your arms, _

_About me._

_I've waited my life for this night._

Suddenly, as though through a dark tunnel-like portal, Delia was mentally transported back to almost exactly a year before.

_She was standing in a dark, bottle green dress, simple, not unlike the one she was wearing in the present, and she was listening to the music with a forlorn air. It was the last song and she hadn't even seen him yet, let alone danced with him. They were going home tomorrow and she hadn't danced with him._

_"Would you be so kind as to grace this poor fellow with a dance," a voice she knew all too well whispered in her ear, "He's been spending all night working up the courage to ask you." Delia whipped around, grinning from ear to ear to see her best friend Robby holding out his arms as though modeling the midnight blue dress robes he was wearing._

_"I would be happy to," Delia took his offered hand and started toward the dance floor but he pulled her back._

_"Why should we need a dance floor?" he asked quietly, "We can dance wherever we like." He was right, the two of them had never set much store by obeying rules. They were reckless and inseparable, the Nightmare Team, their teachers had called them, a sadistic twist to the common expression, the Dream Team. It was true. There had been hardly a rule at Beauxbatons they hadn't bent in some way._

_Yet they weren't a couple. Robby and Delia were thicker then thieves but neither had ever worked up the courage to ask the other on a date. Delia didn't want to ruin their perfect friendship; she would never know his reason for stalling so long._

_"Breaking traditions now, as well as rules?" Delia questioned with laughter in her voice._

_"Wrecking havoc," he began their mock motto, "Every step of the way," Delia finished._

_"Although I don't think it'd make much of a difference to anyone here if we decided to dance upside down on the ceiling," she added._

_"Do you want to?" He was always ready to do whatever she asked of him._

_"No," Delia smiled at his eagerness, "Maybe someday when I'm not wearing a dress and three inch heals."_

_"Is that how high they are?" he looked toward her feet although he could barley see the just below her gown. "I thought you looked taller."_

_Delia smiled. The song ended. With regretful sighs the pair headed to the dormitories. Just before they reached the entrance to the girls dormitory Robby grabbed her elbow lightly and held her back. He led her to a little window alcove overlooking the moonlit gardens._

_"Delia," he looked hard into her eyes. "I've planned a long time how to say this but all my plans flew the coop the moment I saw you so I'm making this up as I go._

_"We're leaving this summer, and," he struggled for the right words. "I can't bear to be separated from you. I shudder at the thought of leaving your side. I cower at the idea of never hearing your laugh until September. I need a memory, more powerful then any other to keep me alive until I see you again."_

_Delia saw where he was heading and fear inspired her words, "I'll miss you too. We'll write all the time," she promised, "And I'll visit as often as I can."_

_"I know," Robby looked as though she hadn't reassured him even remotely although that hadn't been her intention. "But I'm determined to say this. Delia, I love you." His eyes were searching and hopeful and loving and desperate all at once, everything but demanding._

_Delia realized with a start that their faces were inches from each other. She knew without a doubt that she felt strongly for him, her attachment was stronger then that to her family, but love? Her affection must have shown in her eyes because he leaned in ever so slightly and kissed her._

_At once she felt the blood rushing to her lips and a dizziness filling her mind. Delia smiled against his lips, thinking of all the times she'd imagined what kissing him would be like._

_But in another moment she remembered that she was kissing Robby, her constant companion and friend. The second she pulled even a millimeter away Robby backed up, obeying her every thought, let alone wish. His eyes were hurt but somehow relieved, as though he'd been proven right. Delia stood still and studied him for a moment, trying to ignore the blood and heat pulsing through every bit of her body that had touched his._

_He was obviously proven right about one thing: he loved her. It was etched so clearly in his every action and expression there was no denying it. The second thing he seemed to be vindicated on was Delia's indifference. He took her fear for dislike._

_"Robby, I," she stuttered with the words. Trying to frame a coherent sentence in her dazed state of mind. "Robby you're my best friend. How could you, I, we, ever," she lost her train of thought once more but he got the idea._

_"I'm sorry, Delia," he stepped out of the alcove, throwing his face into shadow. "I shouldn't have," he trailed off as he stumbled further back and then turned and ran._

Shouldn't have what_? Delia had to ask herself. _Shouldn't have told me the truth when I couldn't? Shouldn't have kissed me like I wanted him to_? She cursed herself for her fear._

_"I'll find him tomorrow," Delia promised herself. There had been no doubt in her mind when he kissed her. "I'll tell him I love him too."_

But she hadn't found him the next day, nor ever again. Delia felt tears in her eyes as she came back to Hogwarts in the arms of Sirius Black. She had never told him, and now she couldn't.

_I've waited my life for this night,_

_I've waited forever for this kiss_.

Delia kept her head down as she wiped her eyes, so as to keep the gesture from her date, but he noticed her sudden sadness anyways.

"Are you alright?" he asked concernedly. She felt his eyes raking the top of her head but she wouldn't look up for fear of giving herself away. She nodded and leaned against him, thinking again of Robby. She had been afraid of love, and she'd promised herself she'd never run from it again.

_So what is this?_ She asked herself, breathing deeply Sirius's scent that reminded her ever slightly of Robby but still had it's own personality. _It feels the same as last time, but different._ She struggled to understand her own emotions. _Only one way to find out_.

"Come with me," Delia pulled away and grabbed Sirius's hand. She led him away from the other dancing couples despite the still playing music. She led him through the doors and into the Entrance Hall, up the stairs and into a deserted secret passageway.

As soon as the tapestry swung shut behind them Delia shoved Sirius against the wall and kissed him with all the passion she'd ever felt for both him and Robby.

With a start she realized that she felt just as strongly for Sirius as she ever had for Robby. She shuddered pleasantly as she opened her mouth against his and realized he was as good a kisser as his reputation had said, better. She lifted her hands up to his head and felt the silky smooth hair that was the envy of every guy who'd ever seen him.

Delia was right, just like last time, she loved him. She loved him with every fiber of her being. She loved his sideways smile and his rough, bark like laugh, his dark eyes that could switch from laughter to steady understanding in a heartbeat and the little sarcastic jokes he threw out in a perfectly normal tone, watching to see who would catch his sarcasm. She was so wrapped up in him that she couldn't keep the surprise from her face when he pulled away, when he broke the bond.

"Why are you doing this Delia?" he asked in a husky voice.

"Because I love you," she answered evenly. She refused to let denial rob her of this second chance at love.

"How can you?" he asked, "We've only know each other for a little over half a year."

"What do you call that then?" she asked, glaring slightly at his logical argument. "That was no normal kiss."

"No it wasn't," Sirius mused, "But still, only seven months, how can this be love? You can't love me."

"You remind me of someone I once loved," the words slipped from Delia's mouth before she even thought to say them.

"Aha!" Sirius was no longer confused. "You're attracted to me but you love this other man." Although his tone was victorious there was a hint of jealousy in his voice, of sadness.

"I _loved_ this person," Delia accented the past tense.

"Who?" Sirius also asked with his heart before his mind could intervene.

"Robby Phillips," Delia hadn't said his name since she'd seen the article. "He was killed along with his family at the beginning of last summer by Death Eaters. His father worked for the French Ministry's Auror office. They tortured them for information." Delia shuddered at the memory of the morning she had read _the Witching Post_, France's main newspaper.

The article was cold and indifferent. _Family Tortured and Killed by Rising Dark Group_ read the heading. The writer wrote only two paragraphs on the Phillips family, not bothering with the first names of the children. He wrote the rest about this group, the Death Eaters and their leader, some whacko that called himself Lord Voldemort.

Delia had locked herself in her room for three days without eating or drinking. She just sat at her desk and wrote down every memory she had of him down to the last detail, good and bad. She refused to forget; even if the reporter hadn't bothered to learn his name, Delia would make sure Robert William Phillips would never be forgotten.

"He was my best friend," Delia's attention turned back to Sirius, "My constant companion, the only boy I ever loved." Tears began to sting at her eyes but she ignored them. "He told me, the last time I saw him, he told me he loved me. We'd been avoiding the topic the whole year. He finally came out and said it, and I was too scared. I realized too late that I loved him too but I'd lost him. He died and it ended."

There was no need for words. The sorrow filling the dark passageway spoke for itself. Sirius hugged Delia as she allowed the tears to flow freely. Burying her face in his warm shoulder, Delia finally she cried away her fear and allowed love for both Sirius and Robby to fill the void it left.

She raised her head to look into his warm eyes, "I never even said good bye."

A/N: Wow, I'm going to go have myself my own little cry session now. That was awful. Serena/Remus was inspired by Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. Great song. I had a lot of trouble writing the bit about Sirius and Delia, probably the most heart wrenching, and then with Deathly Hallows and whatnot I had no time to write, but I hope it was worth the wait. It's a bit longer then some of my other stuff so that should make up for it. Please, please review!


	12. Pain

Author's Note:

Hey guys. I've been having so much trouble writing while keeping up with all my homework so sorry this took so long. I hope you like it despite it's having taken so long to finally come.

Ch. 12 – Pain

Delia watched from under her eyelashes, pretending to be listening to the droning lecture Professor Binns was reading them. He was particularly boring as it was the last class on a Friday and everything seemed less relevant. Serena was sitting with her reinstated boyfriend Huck despite the fact that he'd cheated on her. Rather then looking bubbly and cheerful over her "new" relationship she seemed dejected and moved her chair away when Huck brushed her hand.

Delia twisted her head farther and stopped pretending to be listening. She couldn't understand Serena. If Serena liked Remus why would she break up with him? The only answer Delia could come up with was a lack of self-confidence. Serena had been in a lot of relationships. Maybe she thought she was too bad to be dating the "good kid". But how could she not be sure of herself. Insecure people were supposed to try and blend in. Serena's sapphire blue hair did nothing of the sort.

With relief, Delia jumped out of her seat when the class ended. She grabbed her papers, which had nothing but doodles on them, and followed Serena and Huck out of the door.

"Serena," she called as they left the classroom. "Hold up."

"I'll catch up with you later," Serena muttered to Huck and practically yanked her hand from his grasp.

"Sure." He shrugged and swaggered away, unbothered by his girlfriend's frigidity.

"What's up?" Serena lifted her shoulders in a distinctly defensive position, the way one might hunch over when walking into an icy November wind.

"I just," Delia stumbled. She couldn't confront her friend when she was looking so down and out. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, of course," Serena's shoulders relaxed slightly. "I'm fine, why?"

"I er—do you have a cold or something? You seem a little out of sorts," Delia lied.

"Actually yeah," Serena's face visibly relaxed at the cover story Delia had provided her. "Yeah I have been feeling a little out lately. I think I'll go see the nurse."

"You want some company?" Delia knew the loneliness as soon as it surfaced.

"No." The answer came too quickly. "I mean, no thanks," Serena recovered. "I don't want to get you sick too."

"Okay." She started to walk away. "Serena," Delia called without thinking of what to say.

"Hm?" Serena turned a few paces away.

"Just—er—take care of yourself," Delia came up with the best way to put her feelings into words. "Okay?"

Serena smiled in the implied meaning. "I will. Don't worry about me."

As she watched her friend turn the corner Delia sighed and frowned. "How can I help but worry?" she whispered to the empty corridor.

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Serena wandered the halls in the general direction of the Hospital Wing with no intention of actually approaching the nurse. She glanced out the windows as she passed them, briefly glimpsing bits of the brightly lit grounds and the moon reflected on the lake. As she walked by the entrance to the actual Hospital Wing she found the door slightly ajar.

Without anything else to do, she peered cautiously through the crack. She almost left when she recognized his voice but curiosity kept her stationary.

"It's worse," he said quietly, almost mournfully. "I've never had a more painful transformation then last night, I can't understand why."

"Don't worry dearest," the nurse comforted him. "I'm sure there's a reason. I just got a new book from the library, we'll look there." Silence for a moment, "Here it is."

"What does it say," he seemed almost out of hope, his tone lightening only the slightest.

Silence again as the motherly woman read the passage. "Have you been though any stressful experience between the two transformations, any guilty conscience, unfinished business? Was anything weighing particularly on your mind before you transformed, even as you transformed?"

"I don't know," there was a legitimate quiver in his voice now.

"It says that such strong feelings make you more human, and therefore more difficult to transform," she told him comfortingly. "I'd recommend trying to clear your mind before you transform to make it as painless as possible."

"I will," he answered, "Thank you." Serena heard the bed springs creaking before she realized what it meant and barely got her head out of the way of the opening door.

"Serena?" Remus gazed at her with shock and not anger in his eyes.

"Hi," Serena mentally kicked herself for eavesdropping. "I—er—I uh, the door was open, and I—I."

"Don't worry, I understand," Remus answered levelly. "How are you?"

"I, um, I'm good?" Serena answered, awkwardly sticking her hands in her pockets and shifting feet. "And how are you?"

"I—"

"How come you never said it was hurting more to transform?" Serena cut him off.

"I didn't think you'd care to know," Remus told her plainly. She could see the pain under his carefully composed expression.

"Of course I care," she whispered, "It's my fault."

"No it's not," Remus told her before she finished. "I've been behind on work lately because of prefect duties, that's it." Serena recalled Professor McGonnagall thanking him for handing in his essay early just the day before.

"Oh well, I hope you get some time to catch up," she answered quietly, accepting the lie rather then mustering the energy it would take to argue.

"Thank you."

They stared at each other for a long moment. They both had bags under their eyes, although Remus's were rather darker. Serena hardly had the old lightness in her look; to the contrary she seemed to fit in among the shadows of the darkening corridor.

"Well I'd better—" Serena started.

"Yeah, I uh, I have to get going too," Remus followed.

"Yeah, er, bye," Serena started to speed walk away.

"Take care," Remus called after her, half moving to step towards her. Serena hesitated.

"Thanks." She walked away.

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"Hey Lils," James smiled as he walked into the Heads Common Room and dropped onto the couch.

"Hey." Lily put the finishing touch on her potions essay. "How was practice?"

"Exhausting," James sighed, "But they'll lighten up in two weeks, last week to study for the NEWTS."

"Don't remind me," Lily gave him a hug as he stood. "Oh yeah, in the midst of all your studying, (James snorted) make sure you remember Petunia's wedding is next weekend. Remind Sirius and Remus for me, will you? I would ask Peter too but she said six including me. I don't want to push it, I'm surprised she even invited me."

"Don't worry, I gotcha covered," James gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Get some sleep, you look as tired as I feel."

Lily smiled to disguise the depression she'd been feeling as of late. "I will," she promised.

"I'm going to jump in the shower then," James smiled in response. "Goodnight."

"Night." Lily entered her room and shut the door quietly behind her. Without any sort of end of the day routine she kicked off her shoes, slipped into bed and closed her eyes. She listened to the water running in James's shower, and then the wind outside when that ended. She flipped sides and buried her face in her pillow, after an hour she sat up and flicked on a light.

For the first time in months Lily really looked around her room, in one corner was her dress from the ball, carelessly thrown away in her grief. Lily slipped out of bed and picked up the shimmering blue dress. The fabric was fluid and weightless in her hands.

Quickly, Lily strode to her closet and hung the dress inside, she felt tears coming on as she strode through the room picking up clothes and various other objects and organizing them. In record time, it seemed, the room was spotless. Eager for something else to occupy her mind, Lily started on her nightstand.

Various photo albums and journals and letters and notepads were organized before she found the brown paper wrapping and CD. The tears came full on now as Lily gazed at the two objects in her hands. She reached over to her stereo and put the CD in, pressed play.

I'll sing you a song if you go to sleep,

I'll sing you a song in the night.

Hush now, hush now, I'll sing you a song in goodbye.

I'll dry the tears in the dusky dawn,

I'll dry the tears when we wake.

The storms only passing,

It'll go on its way,

And on that new dawn I'll chase the sorrows away.

I'll sing you a song if you hold me close,

I'll sing you a song if you smile.

Hush now, hush now, I'll sing you a song in goodbye.

I'll dry the tears in the new sun,

I'll dry the tears in the warmth.

The Lord will provide,

He'll warm our hearts,

And in his sweet love we will thrive.

Hush now, hush now,

I 'm singing my song of goodbye.

Lily eyes stung but she rubbed them furiously. She glanced at the note and reread the words.

_Thank you for caring. Merry Christmas, Lily._

_May you stop running and cut off your demons._

And then, beneath those two was a third line in a less neat script.

_Goodbye._

The tears came in earnest now, and Lily did nothing to repress them.

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"You're sure you don't want me to come?" Sirius asked for the thirtieth time that morning as they stood in the doorway of the entrance hall.

"Sweetie," Delia smiled and pecked his lips lightly, "I'm sure. I need to do this alone," she added in a more serious tone.

"If that's what you want," Sirius answered with still a bit of hope in his voice.

"It is." Delia stood on tip toes to whisper in his ear. "I'll be back before you know it. Try no to miss me too much, and don't do anything too stupid."

"Would you love me if I didn't do millions of things too stupid to imagine?" Sirius asked, holding out his arms.

Delia let him win this fight. "Perhaps not," she admitted. "But I'd still be particularly fond of you."

"Who isn't?"

Delia laughed. "Reign in the cockiness a bit, you don't want Lily to hear you talking like that."

Sirius mock shuddered. "Be careful," he advised.

"I'll be fine," Delia answered. "What the worst that can happen? One of the knight bus chairs will run me over?"

"Hey that's happened to me before," Sirius told her honestly. "It hurts."

"You lived." Delia smiled, "I'll be back before you know it."

Sirius smiled in response and kissed her lightly, "I love you; you know that right?"

"I do. Don't worry." Delia walked out the doors and across the grounds towards Hogsmeade and Sirius watched regretfully, wishing he could accompany her on one of the most difficult journeys she'd ever have to make.

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Delia gazed out the knight bus window and wished she'd let Sirius accompany her. She could use his jokes to keep her mind occupied on the long trip to France. If only her birthday was a month sooner she could Apparate.

With nothing else to occupy her mind, Delia slipped into a daydream of the past.

"Betcha you can't catch me," she called over her shoulder as she leaped a hedge in the ordered gardens of Beauxbatons. The courtyard rang with laughter, Delia's and his as they played tag like little children. 

She rounded a corner and lost the sound of his feet behind her. She hid behind a perfectly manicured phoenix shaped bush and waited, keeping her giggles at a minimum. A minute passed by, two. She crept slowly out from behind the bush and stepped into the main path. She backtracked slightly and peered around the corner. All she saw were perfect rows of brightly blossoming flowers.

"_Robby," she whispered playfully, "I'm the one who's supposed to be hiding; you're supposed to find me." She waited another thirty seconds. "Robby."_

_No answer. _

"_Robby," her voice rose as she began to worry. "Robby?" she screamed._

"_HA!" He jumped from behind a bush; this one griffon shaped, and tackled her to the ground. The two lay on the dirt path laughing hysterically. "Worried about me?" Robby propped his head up on his fist to see her face._

"_Not at all," Delia lied. "Just curious."_

"_Curiosity killed the cat."_

"_And satisfaction brought it back." Delia chuckled. "Why does everyone use that expression on me?"_

"_Because everyone can see it applies."_

"_But you," Delia flipped her head to the side to look at him, "You're more curious then I."_

"_Am I?" He asked._

"_You are." Delia looked up at the blue sky again. "That's why you were trying to read my diary over my shoulder again last night."_

"_Just a peek?" he asked for the millionth time._

"_No," she answered firmly but with a hint of amusement. "If you want to know what I think about something you can ask. I'm not going to tell you, or show you in this case, something you don't ask about."_

"_Fine, what did you write in your diary?" he asked._

"_That's cheating."_

"_Fine, be stubborn, but forgive me if I never trust your word again."_

"_You're impossible."_

"_To the very end." Delia could hear the smile in his voice._

"_Look at that cloud," Delia pointed at the fluffy white form drifting above them. "It looks like two wands crossing."_

"_And that one's a dragon." Robby pointed out._

"_A phoenix." Delia contradicted. _

"_No, it's definitely a dragon."_

"_Phoenix."_

"_Dragon."_

"_Phoenix."_

"_I'll agree it's a phoenix if you let me read just one entry from your journal." He added hopefully._

"_It's a dragon."_

"_Damn."_

_They waited a few minute in silence for new clouds to drift overhead. "That looks a little like Madame Dolerite's wig," Delia pointed out._

_She was rewarded with his deep chuckle. "You're right." He said quietly. They continued to lie in silence. "Look at that one, he pointed to the right a bit, it's a heart."_

"_Yeah," Delia gazed upwards dreamily. She smiled slightly as she felt his hand take hers and hold it in his warm grasp._

With a start, Delia snapped back to reality. The bus took a swift turn and her bag fell from her lap, it's contents spreading across the floor. On her hands and knees, Delia scurried to gather everything together before the bus made another unexpected lurch. The last thing she recovered was the leather bound journal she had just been thinking of.

"Merry Christmas, Delia," he pulled a thin package from inside his pocket. "To record all of our adventures together in," he smiled at her joy as she took the diary from his hands. "So one day we can reread it together and laugh at all the awful situations we get ourselves into."

"_Thank you," Delia looked up at him. She felt her eyes growing bright with tears so she hugged him before he'd notice. "It means a lot to me."_

"_I didn't think it'd mean this much," Robby pulled back and studied her face. "You're very welcome."_

"_I'll write everything down," she promised._

"_And I'll get to read it?"_

"_Someday, perhaps." Delia smiled coyly._

"_I thought you'd give me an answer like that," Robby admitted. "But I'd rather hoped you wouldn't. _

"_I will let you read it," Delia promised. "Someday in the not so very near future."_

"_And if I don't make it that long?" he asked jokingly._

"_Don't joke about stuff like that," she answered in a dark monotone._

_Instantly he caught her discontent. "I'm sorry," he grabbed both her shoulders and searched her expression. "I didn't mean to scare you. I'll be here forever." He pulled her into a tight hug._

"_I know you will." Delia hugged him back._

Tears were brimming in Delia's eyes as she thumbed through the parchment pages. Years of their adventures she had recorded, all the memories of the laughter and the tears. Everything she'd ever learned about him she'd written down, and little else.

"L'Ammore Cemetery, Madame," the conductor told her with a kindly smile as the bus lurched to an unsteady stop.

"Thank you," Delia answered quietly as she stood and walked down the bus stairs. As soon as she was off it shot away like a bullet, leaving her alone before a beautiful cemetery.

Delia wandered between the headstones, picking wildflowers as she went and gathering them in a bundle. Near the back of the cemetery, beneath a withered old oak like the one the swing at Beauxbatons had hung from, was a small marble phoenix. Beneath it's talons it read:

Robert William Phillips

Beloved son, beloved brother, beloved friend

Delia's tears watered the grass as she kneeled before the headstone and bent her head. "Oh Robby, if only you'd know how I loved you too, how I still love you too. You were just braver then I. You were stronger then I." She wept bitterly for the pain she'd caused him. "I was too cowardly to tell you how desperately I loved you too."

All of a sudden a strong wind swept through the branches of the oak tree and Delia collapsed onto the soft grass.

"Delia," his voice had the same loving tone she was used to.

"Robby, where are you?" she asked as she opened her eyes and looked at the whiteness all around her.

"I'm here." He answered.

"Where," Delia stood and spun in circles, looking for anything but white.

"Right where I've always been."

"But—"

"Stop arguing," he recommended. "Just believe." Out of the whiteness he approached her, he himself dressed entirely in white.

"Oh Robby," she stood and threw herself into his arms, smelling the same old familiar scent. "I'm so sorry I couldn't tell you, I should have told you how much I love you."

"Hush," he stroked her hair reassuringly. "I think I knew in my heart all along that you felt the same. I had determined that I'd ask you gain come September, but I never got that chance."

"I have my diary, that you gave me," she held up the leather book.

"Keep it," he tucked it back into the bad slung across her shoulders. "I know what you wrote of now, and you'll need it more then I."

"How is this possible," Delia asked after a few moments of simply enjoying the feel of his embrace once more. "You're not—"

"Alive? No," he shook his head. "No, I'm dead, but I've been here all along, waiting for you. You just didn't know how to find me."

"But I could find you again? I can come back?" she pleaded.

"No, I'm afraid not, this is no place for the living. I'm one of the few dead who have been able to remain here, and you're one of the few living who have been able to visit. It requires a certain, power, that you have, but you're not to learn about that just yet."

Delia ignored the second part of his answer. "Why can't I return? Why can't I come see you again?"

"I'll leave here after this, I have no choice. This place is for people who cannot go on peacefully to the next life without speaking one last time to someone among the living." Robby smiled sadly. "After this I'm going on my last journey."

"Can't I go with you?"

"I'm afraid not."

"But why?" Delia pleaded.

"Because the living have no place among the dead."

"My place, alive or dead, is with you."

He chuckled, the same perfect, deep rumble she remembered. "You're as stubborn as I remember, but no, your place is no longer with me. You do recall a certain charming young man who is waiting for your return?"

"Sirius," Delia whispered quietly. "I'm so sorry Robby, he's so like you, you'd love him if you were alive. I couldn't help but to fall in love with him."

This time Robby laughed full out. "You think I'd be upset about that? I love the man, couldn't have hand picked anyone more perfect for you."

"But, don't you still love me?" Delia asked quietly.

"Of course I do," he answered in a solemn tone, "But what happiness would it do me to see you miserable because of me for the rest of your life. I wanted you to find someone new to love."

"And I did," Delia whispered back, "And he loves me too."

"Then I wish you the best of luck," he began to pull from her embrace.

"Don't leave me," there was a hint of panic in her voice and she held him ever closer.

"I must," he shook his head regretfully. "I've seen you and spoken to you and now I must go."

"But could you kiss me, just one last time?" Delia asked him. He laughed at her but consented, leaning down to press his lips to hers in a last final gesture of love. The moment suspended into eternity as they both realized that the vision wasn't real, and it wasn't made to last.

"I've always loved you, Delia," he promised her as he wiped away the tears. "Death couldn't change that."

"I love you too," Delia swallowed her tears and hugged him closer before releasing.

"Just remember, will you," for the first time since the start of their meeting he seemed less then perfectly calm. "You'll have some rough times ahead, just remember never to become bitter. Always remember this moment, always remember this feeling, it will keep you human."

"I promise." Delia swallowed as she stepped away so that only their fingers were touching. "I won't forget." He smiled, a smile of complete gratification, then pulled back his hand, and he was gone.

Delia opened her eyes in the flower filled graveyard once more and watched the dappled sunlight filtering through the oak leaves above her. "I'll always love you," the words were carried to her upon the wind. Phantom lips brushed hers.

"You too, I'll love you, forever," she whispered because she knew he heard her.

A/N: Well, that was a little cute happiness at the end of an otherwise quite sad story. Yay for Delia and moving on but not so great for everybody else. I hope you liked it.


	13. Reflections

Author's Note:

Author's Note:

I know it's been ages, but I do have my reasons. I've been swamped with school and work and a one shot I posted a little while ago. In any case, I hope this chapter was worth the wait. I feel like some of what's coming up is sort of predictable but what can I do? Bear with me people, I swear I do have some creativity left…I just have to dig for it.

Disclaimer: JK is an amazing and imaginative woman. I may be too but I'm not as rich as her.

Ch. 13 Reflections

For all the struggle and tears and pain, there's something really easy about recovering from a loss. There's a point when you realize you're not doing anyone any good by reliving all the past and the only way left to go is forward. Then you accept things, and you manage to be happy again, you see the good things and work through the bad instead of viewing every little mishap as the world crashing down around you.

But no matter how well you learn to cope they manage to come up again, when you least expect it, when you think that all the pain and hardship is long since buried. That's the easy point. You have a period of shock, when you can't believe that you're "so weak" that you're all beat up about it again. But after that shock, you realize that forward wasn't the only way to go, but that's the way you decided to go. You had a choice, way back when, and you chose forward rather than backward. Once you make that realization, it's easy to accept what happened, to smile while talking about that loss, to help others recovering from loss.

And there's a joy to it too, not a joy that you lost something—that will always be sad—but a joy that you were put through this difficult time, and you survived it. I don't mean you survived in the sense that you are still eating and breathing, but your soul survived. This weight was put upon your shoulders and you held it up proudly without becoming bitter but rather stronger from the experience.

Delia was thinking as she rode the knight bus back to Hogwarts. She had been happy person over the past year; Lily hadn't even had a clue of the suffering she'd faced at the start of summer. Until she told him, Sirius hadn't had any idea of her times with Robbie at Beauxbatons. But however healed she'd thought she was, as soon as she and Sirius had gotten close the remembrance of Robbie and the time they should have had had her crying again.

At first she was mad, this was in the past, she didn't want it screwing up all her relationships in the future, but it was good Sirius knew now. When was she planning on telling him, on their wedding night? Not that she had any expectations of even thought about marrying Sirius, but still, there would never be a good time to tell your boyfriend that your soul mate was murdered by Death Eaters.

And then, like it was nothing, it really clicked. She wouldn't stop loving Robbie, but she knew well enough now not to try not to love him. But that didn't mean she couldn't love Sirius too, that didn't mean she had to be a torn up and emotional wreck all the time.

She was reminded of a quote she read in the quote book her mother had given her long ago. She dug through her bag and pulled it out. It wasn't very big and had a pretty decorative flower pattern on the front and green binding. She flipped quickly through the pages till she found the one she wanted.

"_There's a spiral in the healing process. Some of the things you deal with early on and you think you have laid them to rest, but as you grow and your life changes, they come around again and you get to heal them on a much higher level. This used to really frustrate me, but now I see it is part of the process."_ – Margot Silk Forrest

Delia smiled at the bus conductor, proud of herself for finally being able to understand the quote. After losing Robbie she'd been angry, yes; she been depressed, yes; she'd been vengeful, yes, but she'd never felt frustrated per se, at least not at the healing process. Now, rereading the quote, she felt like she knew this woman, Margot Silk Forrest. She felt like they'd just had a long heart to heart in which Margot told her all about the year she was widowed, leaving her in charge of three kids all by herself, or her sister dyeing of cancer and wanting her to raise her five children instead of her drunk, good for nothing husband. _People who can not only understand, but can relate to a quote like that, _she thought_, we need to stick together_.

Before she knew it they were stopping beside the winged boar sculptures and the conductor was offering to carry her purse for her, as if she needed someone to carry the one bag for her. As she was stepping off the bus he handed her a scrap of paper before jumping back on and speeding away.

_Randy Shunpike 492 663 8998_ was scrawled on the paper in a cramped handwriting. Delia laughed to herself for a minute before heading up to the castle, thinking of what Sirius would think of the offer. Apparently her smile had been far more alluring then she'd imagined.

The laughter faded after a minute and Delia went to toss the scrap away but thought better of it and stuffed it in her oversized handbag with a chuckle. She'd save it for when she needed a laugh again in the future; Robbie's warning was at the back of her mind. Until that short walk up to the castle she'd disregarded it, preferring to dwell instead on the vision of his face and his smell and his warmth. But now it popped up again, refusing to be buried any longer.

He'd been worried she'd become, what was it? Bitter. He thought whatever was going to happen to her would make her bitter. Delia fought of a little shiver of cold fear going down her spine. Robbie had _died_ and she hadn't become bitter, what could happen that would be worse then that? Whatever it was she dearly wished it wouldn't happen.

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Sirius hurried back to the Common Room and watched from the window as Delia climbed onto the knight bus. She turned and gave the castle one last glance and he swore she knew he was watching because even from that distance he sensed her eyes flashing the way they did when she was both flattered that he cared so much and slightly offended that he thought she couldn't care for herself.

He knew she could take care of herself; that was the problem. He wanted to be able to comfort her but she didn't want to be comforted, she thought that made her weak. Needing help didn't mean she was weak, it meant she was human. But she was fighting it, she was fighting her very nature as a human and he was worried about her.

With a slightly resentful shake of the head, Sirius settled down in the window seat, preparing himself for a long and stiff day.

Four hours later found Sirius still in the Gryffindor Common Room window seat, his head lying against the glass panes and a vacant expression filling his eyes. Lily stopped short at the foot of the girls' stairs, seeing him sitting there, looking like a star in some angst druggie teenage muggle movie. She almost laughed at the idea of explaining movies to Sirius but the giggle died before it left her lips.

She changed her mind about going to the library, her divination essay could wait; it was all just a load of rubbish anyway.

"Hey you," she walked over to Sirius's window, sitting at the other end of the wide window seat. "What are you doing here, all by yourself, for hours?"

Sirius looked up and gave her a little smile, flicking the hair back from him eyes with a toss of the head. Lily smiled a bit at the gesture, half of the Hogwarts females would have swooned seeing him toss his hair like that, and for once he hadn't even been trying to make anyone pass out. "I'm waiting."

"How come?" Lily smiled; she knew exactly who and what Sirius was waiting for.

"Because I'm worried."

"But why are you worried?"

Sirius gave her an exasperated look. "Why do you think?"

With a smile and a provoking smile Lily sighed. "Must you answer a question with another question?"

"You just did," he reminded her.

Lily grimaced. "You have a point. Well, I already know what I think," she answered. "What I don't know is what you think."

"I think you're being nosy," he replied.

"And I think you're being stubborn," Lily raised an eyebrow.

Sirius turned to look back out the window. It was just past noon and the sun was reflecting prettily off the Great Lake but he simply glowered at the harsh glare blinding him. "I don't know, exactly," he answered finally. Lily waited patiently for him to continue. "I guess I'm worried about a lot of things. I'm worried about her doing this alone, I don't want her to have to face going to his grave alone, but I have no place there. Robbie's from another life, before I had anything to do with her.

"I'm worried about losing her, not to another guy exactly, but to grief. I'm scared she'll come back and be traumatized and she'll miss him too much. She doesn't like to show that she's in pain; I'm worried she won't let me help her. I'm worried she'll shut me out.

"And I'm worried about the stupidest things too," he laughed cynically. "I'm worried that the knight bus will crash, or that she'll trip and sprain her ankle at the cemetery, that some random French guy will hit on her and he'll remind her of Robbie, even that she'll get a hangnail and it'll really hurt." He looked at Lily imploringly. "I'm just worried that something will go wrong and I won't be there to stop it." He turned to watch the rippling waters of the Great Lake again.

Lily didn't say anything for a long time; so long that Sirius faced her again. She was wearing the most curious expression. She looked like she was dreaming, her face curved into an angelic smile of wonderment. Sirius shook his head at her, "What?" he asked.

"James doesn't talk like that to me anymore," she smiled and giggled lightly, she wanted to cry in happiness. "But he used to, he used to all the time. You really love her don't you?"

Sirius shared her look of amazment for a moment. "Yeah," he said more to himself them to Lily. "Yeah, I guess I do."

Lily laughed out loud now, throwing back her head and holding nothing back. "You are the sweetest thing," she finally said. "Who would have thought you'd end up being more sensitive then James, the boy who fell in love at eleven and didn't give up for six whole years."

"Hey, I don't want you getting some emotional view of me," Sirius joked. "I'm nowhere near as sappy as James. I still don't understand how any person can have that much feeling...or write that many crappy love poems," he added as an afterthought.

"James wrote _poems_ about me?" Lily asked wide-eyed. Sirius just nodded, smirking a bit knowing how embarrassed James would be of them. "Well I'll just have to make him give me those later," Lily added to herself, then she turned back to Sirius. "Just because you won't admit it doesn't mean you don't have a sap somewhere inside there," Lily leaned forward and poked Sirius right in the stomach, catching him unawares; he'd stopped paying attention to her romantic and poem-desiring side a whole minute before. "You did just prove my theory with the hangnail statement."

Sirius did smile at that. "That one is a bit over the top isn't it?" he asked.

"Just a bit." Lily smiled, "She'll be fine. Delia's been fending for herself for a long time, she's an independent woman, would you love her if she was anything else?"

"No," Sirius shook his head. "I always did get annoyed with really clingy, needy girls."

"Well there you go," Lily patted his knee reassuringly. "Are you really going to sit here all day? She won't be back till twilight."

Sirius gave her a sad smile that said quite clearly, _what else could I do?_

Lily smiled back knowingly. "Want me to bring you up some lunch?" she asked.

"You know how to read my mind," he responded with a smile but his attention had spun back to the window. Lily ruffled his hair knowing how it bothered him and headed for the portrait hole.

She paused just as it opened. "Don't forget, tomorrow's Petunia's wedding," she reminded him. He just waved a hand lazily at her so she shook her head and left him to his 'vigil'.

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"Oh James, _come on_!" Lily pleaded for the millionth time as they packed. "I want to see those poems. I'm not looking forward to all this family time with Petunia and my lovely new relatives the Dursley's. You have to give me something to look forward to."

"Really Lily," James protested, stuffing several pairs of socks into his trunk. "You don't want to read them. They're childish and immature and silly and _very_ embarrassing. Remind me to kill Sirius during the wedding, now you have something to look forward to," he added.

"No." Lily stomped her foot and put her hands on her hips. Framed in the doorway with her hair frizzy from just being blow dried she did look rather menacing.

"Lily…" James whined.

"Give them to me," she insisted.

"Or what?"

"Or I'll make sure you get stuck sitting with Vernon's parents; they have a _very interesting_ drill company I'm sure you'll be fascinated by for the nine course meal we're having," Lily threatened sarcastically.

James groaned and sat on the bed, head in hands, his last defenses downed. Lily walked forward and sat next to him. "I promise not to laugh, too hard."

James chuckled and reached for his nightstand, opening the drawer, then the trick bottom to grab a notebook of poems and observations he'd made of Lily. He held it out to her with a big sigh. "Just so you know," he said before letting go, "you are not allowed to file for a restraining order after you read this. I warned you and you said you wanted it any way."

"I promise," Lily huffed, tearing the notebook from his hand and sitting back on the bed with a malicious grin plastered to her face. She opened the book to a random page and started to read.

_Red ocean waves,_

_Green orbs of power_

_Over_

_ My_

_ Heart,_

_Unwillingly flirty head turn,_

_And blinks quietly,_

_If only she was trying to be so alluring._

_She likes grey._

Lily finished the poem somewhere between crying and laughing. James looked and her uncertainly, puzzled by the array of emotions playing lightly across her countenance. "Sweet, are you okay?"

"Okay?" Lily stammered. "Why are you so perfect?" she demanded.

James stared at her blankly. "Sorry?"

"No, no, no, don't apologize," Lily pleaded. "Please don't. I should be sorry. I'm such a bad girlfriend. You wrote all this poetry about me but if you looked in my diary from just a year ago," she hesitated, "all the awful things I wrote about you!"

"Aw now, don't go making me feel guilty for loving you," James said lightheartedly, "I could hardly help it. If it makes you feel any better, we can just agree that you were in denial for a long time."

"A very long time," Lily agreed.

James smiled and kissed her nose, "Stop worrying, you're well worth the wait."

"I should get back to packing," Lily looked through his door and hers to the complete mess that was once her room. "I'm keeping this," she informed James, holding up the notebook.

He smiled. "I figured you would."

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"Lily dearest," Petunia called in a girly high voice as she rushed towards her 'beloved' sister. "How have you been? You look thin."

Lily fought the urge to roll her eyes at the fake display of love but smiled sweetly back at the girl who had made her summers miserable for several years now. "Yes, I'm afraid I may have lost some weight lately away at the Academy, so much work you know, and especially with the extra duties of being Head Girl."

Lily wanted to laugh at the annoyed and slightly jealous expression her sister wore as her soon to be mother-in-law congratulated Lily. With a little burst of guilt she recalled that this was Petunia's day and she was lucky to even be there. "You're even thinner than I am," she added for Petunia's benefit. "Have you been working too hard as always?"

The pleasant surprise on Petunia's face at Lily's concern made her think that maybe they could resolve all the hate surrounding their relationship at last. "You know me, always keeping busy, especially with all the dress fittings and rehearsals and such." Petunia's wedding was a big old-fashioned wedding with every second and third cousin coming to the big cathedral in the city and then a candlelit reception in Bath's huge Sydney Gardens.

"Of course," Lily smiled pleasantly. "I assume you have a lot to do to finish getting ready for the ceremony, don't let me keep you." Lily and her friends had missed all the rehearsal dinners and preparations for the wedding, arriving on the day made it hectic but also minimized the painful amount of time in which they would have to avoid not only using but also talking about magic.

"Yes, thank you," Petunia flushed at the thought of being married in just a few hours, "and are you staying here? You're more than welcome of course, it's your home too, but we can't keep all your friends here too."

"No, no," Lily soothed her. "We're renting out a house James's family stayed in over the summer for all of us. I figured that would minimize," she paused, looking for a good code word, "any mishaps."

Petunia shuddered. "That's good, I don't want any of _that_ nonsense here," she reported.

"Naturally," Lily fought off the aggravation at her sister's careless dismissal of her magic. "We'd best go unpack then," she suggested.

"And I need to get dressed." They hesitated for a moment then gave each other a quick hug and hurried off, each equally confused but slightly hopeful.

"That went," hesitation, "well," James commented from the doorway as she met him at the door. The others were waiting in the car.

"Yeah," Lily smiled up at him, "I think maybe we can become civil again, if not really close like we used to be. I'd like that. I'd really like that." Lily smiled to herself as she drove down the familiar roads, past the epic café, her old employment, even those memories couldn't change her cheerful outlook. There was a wedding today; she was getting along with Petunia; she has an amazing boyfriend, a hilarious brother, and several loyal friends. Nothing was going to ruin this for her.

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"THE CAKE!" Somebody yelled. But they were drowned out by Petunia's ear piecing shriek as the whole three feet of her enormous wedding cake toppled onto an unsuspecting couple.

"How could this happen?" she ran forward, more concerned for the flour construction than her sugar coated guests. "I went to the best bakery in Bath, they had actual engineers find the best possible construction that absolutely WOULD NOT collapse!" She finished her rant with a breathless gasp and then burst into tears and hurdled herself at her new husband.

Lily stood shocked, checking her pale yellow sundress for any signs of staining, and then rounded on her 'beloved' brother who stood chuckling with her even more 'wonderful' boyfriend. With a fake smile plastered on her face she sauntered up to the pair of them and linked her arm with James's. "What did you do?" she whispered, taking a sip of his champagne and acting as any bored girl who wanted to sneak somewhere private with her boyfriend would do. No one could have guessed she knew the real reason that cake had fallen.

"Me?" James looked at her in that guiltily amused way that used to annoy her so much, the eyes clearly showing just how guilty he knew he was. "I didn't do anything. Ask you lovely brother here." He looked pointedly at Sirius who was laughing uncontrollably now, earning him some rather dark looks from several of the older guests.

"I just thought we'd liven things up a bit," he shrugged and then swaggered away towards the mess, commenting to Petunia that he was sure it would taste just as good regardless of what state it was in. This only caused her to soak Vernon's suit coat even further.

Lily shook her head and looked around, knowing any help from her would only remind Petunia just how able Lily's friends were of causing disaster. She didn't want a scene. Serena was chatting with one of Lily's more distant cousins, one of the odd ones with tattoos and body piercings A/N: Not that I have any issue with that. Delia had dragged Sirius away from the cake, which was being rapidly devoured by Vernon's nieces and nephews, to go dance. And Remus was sitting alone at their table, being harassed by some clearly desperate girl with far too much makeup.

"Aw, poor Remy," Lily pointed him out to James. "He doesn't know what to do."

James laughed and waved to his friend who was begging them with his eyes to come save him. "Think I should lend a hand?"

"Hm," Lily cocked her head to the side. "Maybe we should let them be for a while. She really seems to be getting somewhere." They burst into secretive laughter as the flirt giggled in an obnoxiously high pitch and laid her hand on Remus's shoulder.

"Nah, he'll jinx me later for this," James gave her hand a squeeze, "I'll find you later."

Lily stood for a moment, laughing to herself as James sat down next to Remus and laid a hand on his friend's thigh, clearly choosing to mortify Remus while saving him. The girl looked back and forth between the two of them and James's openly protective glare and excused herself.

Still laughing Lily headed for the buffet table. Of a mind to find something alcohol involved to clear her head of Petunia's incessant screaming. She tapped her foot along to the music as she poured herself a glass of champagne, humming.

"Excuse me," Lily spun on the spot and slipped in something—probably frosting—bashing her elbow against the table.

"Ow, ow, ow," Lily held her funny bone, ignoring the broken champagne glass on the ground. "Damn it."

"I am so, so sorry Miss," someone said, "Are you okay?" Lily looked up to say it was all right but she froze.

"What are you doing here?"

"Lily?" Chris seemed to lose the ability to speak. "Wh-what are _you_ doing here?"

Lily raised her eyebrows at him, "Um, Petunia _is_ my sister."

"Uh yeah," Chris scratched his head, clearly uncomfortable. "I—er—I though you were going to be at school." Pause. "Vernon's my cousin, see."

"Oh."

Chris tapped his hand on his leg for a moment. He opened his mouth, than closed it, then opened it again, but bit his lip. "You know I really am sorry for what happened this past summer," he finally worked up the bravery to say.

"Not surprisingly." Lily felt a little guilty for being so cold, but she couldn't believe he'd had the audacity to show up at her sister's funeral.

"Julia and I broke up," he said eventually. "Two weeks after you left for school. We were never as suited as you and I."

Lily rolled her eyes. "That's nice."

"Lily please," Chris begged. "Please just let me apologize. I haven't stopped feeling guilty since the last time I saw you, at your grandfather's funeral." He winced at his own stupidity at bringing up such a tender subject. "I haven't stopped regretting it either. Please just let me apologize if nothing else, I don't know what I could ever do to try and make it up to you."

She opened her mouth for a sharp insult but rethought it. He sounded sincere, and what was the point of holding grudges for almost a year.

"You were saying?" James voice growled from behind her as he walked forward and slipped an arm around Lily's waste. She was reminded of his look at the girl flirting with Remus but somehow couldn't find the courage to laugh.

"I—er—nothing," Chris stepped back, justly cautious of the deep-set hate burning in his eyes.

"That's right. Nothing." James pulled Lily a little tighter. "Do you know how long I loved this girl? Do you know how _much_ I love this girl? More than you could manage to love someone. And do you know how long I waited for her to love me back? Do you know how many bloody assholes like you I've had to watch break her heart? Do you know how badly I wanted to help her and knew that I couldn't? Do not try to put her through hell again. I never want to see scum like you anywhere_ near _her, again."

"I'm sorry," Chris held up his hands defensively. "I was just going."

"James, stop," Lily pulled away. "Chris was apologizing. It's been almost a year, I think its time to let _go_." She emphasized the last word, and James quickly released his iron grip on her side. "Chris, what's past is past. Just let it go."

He smiled quickly at her in relief, then glanced up at James nervously and left. "You didn't have to be so mean," Lily accused as she led him back to their table.

"He didn't have to be so here," James answered stubbornly.

"I know," Lily watched Chris until there were too many people in the way. "I think he may have come hoping to find me here and apologize."

"Bloody arse."

"Rather like you," Lily joked, poking him in the side before settling herself back underneath his arm.

"He was trying to get back together with you," James complained.

Lily froze. "Are you, _jealous_?" she asked, and then laughed aloud.

"No!" James denied it instantly. "I just don't want him bothering you."

"You _are_ jealous," Lily laughed triumphantly. "Well I'm perfectly able to handle him myself, thank you."

"Well fine then," James pretended to be insulted. "I'm off to get a taste of that cake before Sirius eats it all."

Lily hummed to herself as she strolled along the grass, placing her empty champagne glass on an abandoned table as she considered the past year. It was hard to be the old Lily again; the summer and her time with James had changed her that much. Everything was so different; she just saw things differently.

It didn't seem to matter that James had played some irresponsible pranks; when it came to the important things, no one was more responsible and attentive. It didn't seem to matter that Chris had wanted someone to hook up with; hadn't she kissed James earlier that day; hadn't she wanted to do the same, she just had more self-control? It didn't seem to matter that she didn't have perfect grades on every paper, wasn't her ability to cast spells more important than her explaining them on paper? It didn't matter what a girl named Lily Evans really wanted for herself, there were bigger forces at work, and she had a feeling they were all coming to some sort of crossroads, where no one and no magic knew what the outcome would be, and all anyone could do was stick with there gut and hope it was the right feeling to follow.

"Um, Lily?" Chris smiled slightly at her.

"Oh hi," Lily shook her head to clear all the prophetic nonsense; it was much more Delia's style.

"I just," Chris paused, "are you sure?"

"Am I sure about what?"

"Are you sure it's okay?" He asked. "I feel like such as asshole, I _am_ such an asshole, for what I did, and for showing up here today, and for having the nerve to bother you twice in one day."

Suddenly Lily felt the urge to laugh. "Of course it is," she said. "Do you really think it's worth being bitter over anymore? The day we saw you and Julia, James kissed me."

"You moved on that fast, huh?"

Lily chuckled. "No, before I caught you, James kissed me."

There was a pause in which Lily listened patiently to the violin music.

"He did?"

"Mhm."

Chris had the most adorable look cross his face. First he seemed angry, then he looked like he was having an epiphany, and then he started to laugh. "So he's all pissed off at me for cheating, while he was trying to get you to do the same with him? That bloody ass."

Lily laughed at him. "That is exactly what happened. Except me and James actually love each other, you and Julia?"

"I'd call it just about anything but love." They smiled at each other for a few seconds. "Do you want to dance?"

"DUCK!" Lily grabbed Chris's shoulders and shoved him to the ground as a red jet of light shot over their heads. In milliseconds the air was full of shrieks of terror as masked figures apparated all over the place. Horrified people ran every direction, fleeing the unstoppable onslaught of Death Eaters marching across the smooth green grass, obliterating everything in their way. "Get under a table and stay there," Lily ordered Chris. "They're beyond your power to fight."

She didn't watch to see if he followed her order, Lily jumped up and whipped out her wand, silently stunning two Death Eaters who were advancing on her sister. Lily grabbed her shoulder and stuffed a sobbing petunia under the table covered in full wine glasses. She could have laughed at how normal they looked as chaos ranged around them.

"James!" Lily shrieked as she shoved two more petrified muggles under another table and stunned a Death Eater advancing on Delia's back. "James, where are you?"

She scanned the scene quickly, something felt wrong (besides the fact that they were under attack). There were her friends, scattered out and fighting, there were muggles everywhere, running and hiding, a few on the ground unconscious. That was it! They were unconscious, not dead. The Death Eaters weren't killing! Lily didn't have time to puzzle over the oddness of the situation, someone called her name and it wasn't James.

"Well Miss Evans," whispered a voice from right behind her, "Still feel like fighting?"

Lily whipped around to see two Death Eaters holding a rather worse for wear looking Chris. "Chris? Chris, are you alright?"

"I didn't listen, I tried to fight. Lily what the hell is going on? Who are these people?"

"Shut up!" The man slapped Chris across the face. "Surrender to us and we'll let your little boyfriend go."

Lily's eyes flitted from one face to another; realizing that none of her friends realized her needed help, she dropped her wand. That was the last thing Lily remembered.

Author's Note:


	14. The White Room

Author's Note:

Author's Note:

Today is October 8th, and I'm finally starting the next chapter to this story. The thing is, I've gotten somewhat sick of this story, I always seem to feel like its just another typical Lily/James story and I'm getting bored. So I'll tell you guys something, when I originally wrote this outline, Serena was going to die in this chapter, and as she was dying she was going to feel all awful for breaking up with Remus because they could have had a great relationship: blah, blah, blah.

I scratched that (even though it still says that in my outline). It's so stupid and cliché and I really wanted this story to be something original (I feel like _Taking Care of Business_ was, and part of me is really regretting making a sequel). I guess it's all just part of becoming a writer. Writing can be weird sometimes, and you have to write something you hate if only to learn what you hate about it.

Pretty much, I'm realizing this note has no meaning whatsoever to it, but I really felt like I needed to say this. I guess the moral of the story is both a promise and an apology. I promise to finish this story. Even if it kills me, I'll type the last period as I die because I will not leave this story unfinished. And secondly I apologize, first for the wait, and also because if I had finished this story before I started posting it, I wouldn't have posted it at all, you would never have started it, and you would never have been stuck with an ending that really doesn't have all of my heart in it. Call it character building, I won't let the story die, but I can't promise it'll be great. I'll try, that's the best I can offer you.

Okay, I'm sorry for rambling at you for ten years. I doubt much of that makes sense, but I feel better for having written it.

Obviously, this is all based on the genius of JK Rowling.

Ch. 14

The White Room

When Delia opened her eyes it was too bright. She was in a room, a small, perfectly square, blaringly bright white room. A dark window was at the top of one of the walls, slanted slightly downward as though some extremely tall person was standing on the other side of the tinted glass, leering down at her.

It was simply too bright. She constantly had to squint but couldn't tell where the light was coming from. It was as though the light radiated from all the walls, floor and ceiling; there was no where to hide from it.

With a groan that she would never know if she actually made—with no one around to her it, it could have been out loud or just in her head—she sat up, scanning all the corners of the room, first to be sure there was no one else in the room, and second to make sure the very walls weren't closing in around her. She had always been slightly claustrophobic and this tiny white room could have been pulled from her own personal hell.

Delia put a hand to her forehead, her mind suddenly reeling. There was a damp spot there, and she quickly identified the acrid smell of blood as though she had just recalled how to smell. She lay back down on the floor and blocked out the light with her arm, unwilling to even attempt standing.

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Delia woke up again. She glanced around and swore that when she went to sleep she'd been facing the other direction, with her feet pointed towards the window. Now her head was closer.

The light was the same, but now there was a slight clicking noise, like the shutter of a fancy muggle camera, clicked again and again and again. She thought it should bother her, but it was rather soothing, something from her muggle life, reassuring her in this world of white.

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Delia opened her eyes to bright light. Was she imagining it or had the whiteness turned slightly yellow? The light was as glaringly painful as ever, but somehow it seemed to have a slightly ivory tint to it.

It occurred to her that she should feel something, pain where dried blood matted into blackened dreadlocks on her head, hunger where she hadn't eaten for…a day? A few days? A week? Months? She should have to go to the bathroom. Do something other than sleep. It was as though this odd room somehow provided for all her needs.

Curling into a ball on her side, Delia slept.

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It was morning when Delia awoke. She had no real way of knowing that it was morning, but she needed some sense of time to ground herself and keep the walls from pushing in closer. She told herself that one week had past, and every time she woke up it would be a new morning.

She'd stay awake long enough to remember what should be happening at this point in time: school, a weekend, a vacation, summer vacation? She'd remember Lily's birthday, and Serena's birthday, and her sister's birthday. Today was Monday.

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Tuesday.

Delia had a History of Magic essay due today. She was reporting on the feelings of modern vampires towards the vampire hunts muggles participated in during the 1600s. They surprisingly loved them, thought it was hilarious to run with the crowd as they chased down some poor widowed old woman. Afterwards, the vampire would volunteer to get rid of the body (no one else wanted to be that close to the truth of the cold blooded murder they'd just participated in), and then he or she would get a free meal, all but cooked by their prey.

Other vampires let themselves get accused. They'd do something odd where they were sure someone would see them, and then they'd get hunted themselves. They'd let the crowd chase them till they got far away from the cities, then a few vampire friends would pop out behind them and the entire hunting party would be slaughtered, no remains for the widows and orphans in the cities.

She supposed it was only fair the muggle hunters got killed; they had been murdering innocent people as scapegoats. But then again, it was only fair the muggles tried to kill the vampires, they were getting hunted and de-blood-ified.

Delia wondered which category she fit into. Was she a hunter or a hunted? At the moment hunted she supposed, but then again, no one was doing anything to her. It was rather nice living in this room where no human frailties were present. She had always loved sleep; sleep was good.

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Wednesday.

Delia woke up. Delia closed her eyes.

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Thursday.

Something important was supposed to happen today, someone's birthday, or a holiday, maybe. Perhaps it was just because Thursday had always been her favorite day, or was that Tuesday. She couldn't remember.

Maybe Thursday was Remus's favorite day. Remus. What did he look like? He was tall, sandy blonde hair, or was it brown? She thought he might have brown eyes, but they might have been hazel-brown, or maybe gray.

She should ask Serena; Serena was the one who was still in love with Remus; she was the one who would know what he looked like. Delia turned her head from side to side, surprised to realize Serena wasn't with her. Maybe she was and she just hadn't seen her. Delia sat up and looked all around, but Serena was nowhere.

I'll go find her, Delia thought. But just as she considered getting up she realized there was no door, only the window. Hm, Delia thought, how will I get up there, and if I get all the way up there, how will I get through that window. I don't even know if it's a window, it could just be a black thing, a piece of the wall that doesn't project light.

All this thinking was exhausting, Delia rested her head back on the floor.

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Friday.

No, no, Friday is my favorite day, Delia assured herself as soon as she realized she was awake. She blinked a few times. On Fridays me and Sirius always go out. We trade off, deciding where we're going. Since we can both apparate, we would go really far away sometimes.

Maybe he'll take me dancing, Delia pondered, we've never gone dancing. No, I hope not, she answered herself, I want dancing to be my idea, I'll hold off on that till next week.

Just the thought of dancing made Delia yawn; she buried her face in her arm and went to sleep.

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Sunday. No, Saturday. Or Wednesday?

She couldn't think about that, it made her unhappy. And unhappiness wasn't allowed in the White Room.

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Some day.

There was someone laughing. Delia didn't open her eyes but she could feel the light, back to white again stabbing at her eyelids.

Who was laughing? There were people? People other than here? Places other than this room? She finally opened her eyes to make sure no one was sitting in the room with her. Who was laughing? The thought was stopped short as she went right back to sleep as though someone had physically punched her and knocked her lights out.

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Finally, Delia had a dream. It was nothing like the dreams she usually had, they were always odd and completely out of order. This dream made sense, odd as it was; it felt real whereas usually she could sense that something wasn't quite life-like in her dreams.

_Sirius laid on the floor of a small, perfectly square, blaringly white room. He opened his eyes and glanced around, his usual confused face on._

_Suddenly his expression changed, shock, anger, and lastly fear filling his gray eyes. 'Delia?' he asked the room. Delia wanted to answer but knew she couldn't, or shouldn't? 'DELIA!' he screamed, jumping to his feet and swaying at the sudden change of position._

'_Delia, where are you?' he yelled again. 'Can't you hear me?' he asked. 'Don't you care?' he whispered, sinking to the floor. Somehow, in the way dream people always know more than they would in real life, Delia knew this wasn't the first of such outbursts._

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Who cared what day it was? Delia was being haunted by dreams of her friends, each crying out in their own personal hell, their own White Rooms forcing them into their worst fears.

Serena was balled up in a corner, back pressed so hard against the wall she was developing scoliosis. Lily was sprawled on her back, spread-eagled and never moving. She blinked every now and then, but that was it. Sirius sporadically screamed for her, or James, or Lily, or Remus, or Serena and then collapsed. Remus was imagining the full moon and transforming from wolf to man and back again, his body unsure of what his mind was processing, and James just leaned against the wall, reciting random facts about Lily in a drunken-like stupor.

She wondered why she wasn't so afraid? Why she wasn't driven as wild as her friends? Then again, they're only dreams. For all I know, Delia pondered, they're back at Hogwarts, wondering why I wasn't good enough to escape from the Death Eaters while they all got away.

Maybe she was better off in the White Room, with her dreams to keep her memories and her memories to keep her sane. She never needed anything in the White Room, and as long as she could remember, she could live.

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Delia was at Beauxbatons, she had returned to the girl's dormitory too late and it was locked, discouraging nighttime wanderers. She was too tired to go back out side and climb the rose trellis to her window so she conjured up a blanket and went to sleep on the floor.

Now it was morning. She could feel the morning sunlight pressing on her eyes. She'd purposefully gone to sleep next to an eastern window so that she'd wake with the dawn, ready to sneak back into her room and grab an extra hour or two of sleep in a real bed.

She opened her eyes. 'I knew it was too good to be true,' Delia whispered to herself. _If I were at Beauxbatons, Robbie would be alive._

Suddenly, Delia sat up. _Robbie_. She'd just talked to him, granted she didn't know how long she'd been in the room, but it couldn't have been more than a week ago, or a few weeks. Months?

Delia shook her head, _it doesn't matter when,_ she told herself. _The point is he warned me, he knew this was going to happen. What did he say? Something about not being bitter, to remember what love feels like._ Her hope deflated, _how was that supposed to help get me out of this stupid room? Bitterness isn't keeping me here, Death Eaters are_.

With an angry sigh, Delia curled up tightly into a ball and fell into a dreamless sleep.

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She hadn't dreamed again. For days she hadn't dreamed. Delia needed her dreams as she feared them. She hated to see everyone suffering, but she needed to see her friend faces—even if they were screaming in agony—she needed to see them to know that they were real, that there was more than this room. Why had the dreams left her, all alone and bored senseless in the White Room?

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A certain power, that you have…

Delia heard Robbie, heard him like he was sitting in the room next to her, but she knew he wasn't. 'I can talk to a dead person who waited to pass on just to talk to me, and I have visions of my friends when they're in danger,' Delia whispered, then realized she should perhaps remain silent. _Maybe I'm more insane than I think I thought_.

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Suppose its all real. If it were all real… _It certainly felt real to me_, Delia could almost feel Robbie's embrace once again. _If it was real, if I_ really _spoke to a dead man, if I'm really seeing visions of my friends_… The reality was too much to manage, Delia brushed her annoyingly tangled hair away from her neck and ducked her chin into her neck, curling up defensively and falling asleep.

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_It can't be real. Stop flattering yourself Delia_ she scolded herself. _You're not someone special, you don't have some rare divination-like power; you're just a girl. A girl in a White Room._

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"Delia!" Sirius pleaded. "Please I love you, please, please. Don't leave; please don't leave me. I know you loved him, still love him, but he's gone; you can't leave me now. I need you, I need you." With each exclamation Sirius's voice grew weaker as he tore at the hair that had once been the envy of every guy he met. Now it hung in greasy sheets, framing the high cheekbones and panicked eyes dashing about in their sockets.

_With a sad smile, dream Delia reached down and touched Sirius's face, stroking the sunken cheekbones. She wondered at that, if the room provided food, how could he look like he was starving? Perhaps he couldn't eat, even subconsciously, if he didn't want to. As though he also felt her dream presence, Sirius turned his face into the hand and almost smiled his little smile that only Delia recognized because she was sure it was his smile for only her._

"_Please Delia," he asked her, though he didn't specify what. "Please."_

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Delia blinked, then blinked again. _If it were all true_… She shook her head, she wasn't sure she wanted it to be true, to have that kind of power, she didn't want to know everything; _some things are better unsaid_.

Putting aside all doubt for a moment, Delia seriously considered the possibility that perhaps she was a Seer. At the moment, random visions of her friends and occasionally being sub-physically present with them was not enough. She needed something real, something solid to build off of.

She needed to control it.

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So she was a Seer. _So what_?

What would that do for her? Okay, so she was the only sane one left of her friends, but what could she do about it? There was no door to the room, no one ever came in to give her food cause she doesn't need it, and even if she could get out, she didn't have her wand. There was no way in hell they didn't have anti-apparation jinxes on the room, and if she got up to try they'd know she wasn't in some semi-conscious madman world anymore.

_She needed to control her visions. She didn't know if it was possible, but she had endless time at her disposal; why not try?_ Taking a deep breath, Delia recalled everything she had ever learned about Divination, she wished now she'd paid attention in that class, it wasn't her fault Robbie was incredibly talented at imitating Madame Defargeru.

Ignoring the sudden urge to laugh, Delia drew in her breath, and let it out. In, and slowly back out. With each breath she sensed her heartbeat slowing, growing steady and methodic, pulsing at exactly where she wanted it to pulse. With another deep breath in, Delia feel asleep.

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_I could kick myself._ When she woke up, Delia's first thought was a wonder as to whether they would serve her favorite hazelnut coffee for breakfast in the Great Hall, then she realized she wasn't going to be eating in the Great Hall anytime soon, especially if she couldn't control this new power of hers.

_Fight the need to sleep,_ Delia ordered herself, rolling on her side so that her thumb stuck uncomfortably into her side. This time, instead of just focusing on breathing and her heartbeat, Delia would actually think.

Sirius. She hadn't had a dream of him in what felt like weeks. _If I can master this, I'll see him,_ she promised herself. _I'll say something this time, whisper in his ear how much I love him, that he only need wait_ _till I find a way to get us all out of here. And when I do, I'll never leave his side again._ Delia smiled, anticipating an entirely Sirius filled world. _Would I ever stop laughing?_ She wondered.

Hugging herself tight, Delia imagined herself in Sirius's arms, and drifted into a contented sleep.

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"_You came back," Sirius whispered to her. "You didn't come back for so long, I thought you'd forgotten me. I thought maybe they'd killed you," he added quieter. "Then you'd have _him_," the bitterness in his voice worried Delia, that was a bridge they'd have to cross when they came to it, if they ever came to it._

_She kneeled on the floor. She loved when her dreams took her to Sirius, he was the only one who could ever sense her with him, although Lily had once almost spoken, it had looked as though her lips were saying Delia, but she couldn't be sure._

_Delicately, so that he wouldn't feel any weight on him, she rested her head on his chest, imagining them really together and out of this hell. "I love you," she mouthed, knowing she couldn't speak aloud though wondering why not. "I love you too," Sirius answered, his hand somehow finding and gripping her own invisible one._

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An intense throbbing in her side woke Delia up; it was the first time she'd felt pain since she first woke up in the White Room. With mumbled oath of self-annoyance, Delia pulled her flattened thumb out from the bruised flesh forming on her side. _So much for that_ she thought.

_Wait._ Delia's eyelids flew open. _Sirius. I dreamed of Sirius, I was thinking about him when I fell asleep. When I was thinking of nothing, I dreamed of nothing; when I was thinking about Sirius, I dreamt of Sirius._ Each piece came together. _If I just let my focus fall away so that I fall asleep or at least fall into some kind of stupor, whoever I'm thinking of as I drift off I'll be able to visit in my dreams._

Tracing back her memory thread to that far away some time when she'd been somewhere other than the White Room, Delia recalled the wedding. _She was dancing with Sirius, Death Eaters, Lily captured, darkness, White Room. _Death Eaters_, she needed to remember the Death Eaters, she had to find out what they were planning, why they hadn't just killed them._

Replaying the scattered battle memories she could bring up, Delia slipped into unconsciousness.

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They were always watching. The people, the people in the Dark Room, just watching, always watching. They had notebooks and they rarely stopped writing. Sometimes the Dark One was in the room with them, ever silent and looming, just watching, first at one window, then the next; then they were very silent and took more detailed notes. When he wasn't there, they told jokes or made things up to write down. They were always watching.

_One walked to the other side of the room, peering into a different box of glowing light, the only light in the room, filtered purple through the heavily tinted glass. "Look at this," he said to the other. There were two._

_Walking over, the second man peered into the darkness. Below Serena was crouched in the corner, raking at the blonde roots that had grown into her hair. "I can't be seen, can't be seen," she was muttering, trying to block the unavoidable light glinting off the honey tinted locks along her skull._

"_She gets worse every day, so what?" the second man asked, returning to his original chair by the first window._

"_What do you think she'd do if we changed all her hair back?" the first asked, grinning evilly. "Enough for a suicide attempt?"_

_The second man looked at the first, his older face showing all his annoyance at the younger's childishness. "You know what happened when we changed the tint to the light on this one," he gestured to the window he was seated by. "The Dark Lord only wants us to interfere when it is necessary or on his orders. Do you want to end up like Gratins?"_

"_No." The first man slumped in a chair by a third window. "Though I bet where he is it's a tad less boring."_

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Like a bag of bricks slamming into the side of her head, Delia finally pieced together all the clues. They were experiments; the Death Eaters were observing their behavior. Each in their own room, they betrayed their darkest fears to the Death Eaters as they slipped into insanity. _They must be disappointed in me,_ she thought, _all I do is sleep_. With a chilling shiver at this new intelligence she realized the capacity of this particular experiment; it was hard to imagine the types of weapons they could develop if they found some kind of pattern in human fear.

Brick bag two: only she could save everyone. Delia wasn't sure how she could keep taking all these shocks in one 'day'. With everyone else incapacitated by fear, Delia was the last prisoner in this place—she was sure there were others besides the six of them, there were too many windows in the Dark Room—but she was the last one who was thinking clearly and was fully conscious of the situation they were in. She was the only one who knew enough to even desire escape, and the only person with the means to achieve it. Somehow, she had to get out of this room. Somehow, she had to escape.

Author's Note:

Originally, I had planned to keep going with this chapter, but I feel like I've written a lot and I haven't updated in an embarrassingly long time so I figure I'll just get this up and be done with it. Take it easy with the grammar and such; I didn't edit much/at all so it'll be a little rough round the edges. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I'll warn you now. Don't expect anything for a bit of a while. I'm going to be participating in the NaNoWriMo event again this year and will spend all of November on anything but fan fiction (not to mention I just suck at reviewing). Please review (if this story still has any regular readers left) and I'll try to get something new up by maybe Christmas? Thanks guys!


	15. Calculating

Author's Note:

Christmas? Ha ha, yeah sure, so I kind of lied. I promise I wasn't trying to, I'm just a very busy 17 year old and so writing, especially fan fiction, has kind of taken the back burner in my mind. So yeah, I will never again promise when to update cause I know it will be a really long time. This one was almost a year in coming; hopefully the next won't be quite so bad.

Ch. 15 Calculating

Delia smiled to herself as she nestled closer into Sirius's arms, kissing him gently and watching for his responding grin with bated anticipation. _I'll get you out of here_, she thought, knowing he would instinctively hear her and he smiled again in agreement. _I promise. And then I'll tell you everything about Robbie._

"I know you will, Delia," he told her, stroking her hair back from her forehead. Delia could only imagine how odd he looked to the Death Eaters, petting empty space. "You've always been so much braver than me," his eyebrow twitched, "embarrassingly enough."

_I have to leave._

"Please don't," Sirius begged, his arms tightening reflexively around her, "I'm so much weaker without you. They hurt me." As if on cue a sensation of bone chilling fear swept through the room in an icy wave. It couldn't affect Delia, but she sensed its presence as it passed through her spirit body. Sirius shivered.

_The do it because they're scared of you,_ she told him. _They know they're losing their hold on you and they don't know why. Together we're stronger than them. You're stronger than them. You just needed me to show you how to be_.

"I know that. You're right, as always." Sirius shrugged. "You can go," he told her, but he laced his fingers through hers as though to hold her prisoner there.

"_I love you."_

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Delia willed her spirit back into her own body. She sighed in relaxation as she felt herself being enveloped in self-ness. She hadn't been back in her own skin, literally, for days, maybe weeks. As always time passed uncertainly in the White Room.

One by one she had visited each of her friends, and eventually the other inmates of the White Prison as she learned to further control this power of hers, thinking courage and spirit into them and drawing them out of their individual fear prisons. It was then that the Wave Fear started. When anyone was feeling happy or hopeful or even just numb and wave of pure fear would sweep through every crevice of the room as though a Dementor had entered. If Delia were present she talked them through their fear, helping them to hold on the their reality and fight of the demons of past decisions and forgotten fears.

She wished she could spend more time comforting her friends but she was spending all her time in the Dark Room, watching the Death Eaters, learning from them. She whispered fears into their ears. She didn't need to see into their souls to know the kind of things they feared: the Dark Lord, the Ministry, an uprising by their prisoners.

It was exhausting. Whisking from one person to another, taking their fears onto her self, tormenting her jailors, and trying to think of a plan. After a good, dreamless, visit-less sleep she'd return to the Dark Room and try once again to discover a way out, and further a way to get the other eleven prisoners out with her. Impossible.

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Delia awoke with the hairs on the back of her neck on end and a prickling sense of being watched creeping up her spine. _Of course you're being watched, idiot, figure out why it's freaking you so much today._

And in a blink she vacated her body again and entered the Dark Room, her least favorite place to visit by far.

"I see," I frigidly cold, high-pitched voice filled the entire room. "So they all just suddenly started fighting back, feeling _happy_ again?"

A kneeling figure huddled on the floor, cowering and quivering pathetically. "We don't know how my lord," he pleaded. "First it was that Black boy," he gestured towards Sirius's window and Delia stifled a gasp, "and then slowly they all started having visions of some kind. There must be some magic here interfering, maybe Dumble—"

"Stop!" Voldemort commanded, throwing up a hand. The man, if possible, shrunk even closer to the floor. "What have you done to stop this, unpleasant altercation?" he asked, a dangerous warning note in his voice.

The man shuddered clearly hearing the note. "We've been using the fear, my lord, just like we did when they first arrived. Whenever they seem to be feeling better we send the fear spell towards them to try and fight it back."

"Ahhh," Voldemort sighed in understanding, pressing his fingertips together in a mockery of praying hands and nodded. "And if it hasn't worked thus far, what makes you think it will work now?" he asked. The man whimpered, then opened his mouth to answer.

"Don't!" Voldemort shook his head. "I don't want to hear your pathetic apologies anymore." He turned his back from the man and began to stroll through the room casually as though he were wandering in a park as opposed to the observation room in a prison made of fears. At each window he paused and glanced at the clipboard there and the notes on each occupant. Delia held her breath as he got closer and closer to her window.

"And what of this one?" he asked, pointing one ghostly pale finger towards her sleeping form. "You have remarkably little written here," displeasure tainted his tone.

"There's nothing to write, my lord," the taller of the two observing men responded, stepping from the shadows.

Voldemort's eyes narrowed. "Explain Rodolfus," he commanded.

"She doesn't do anything," he answered, shaking his head. "She never has. She just rolls over every now and then and keeps sleeping. It's as though she's in some kind of coma." He glanced down at Delia and shrugged with a grimace. "I have a theory if my lord would care to hear it."

Voldemort didn't answer, only nodded encouragement in silence. "I think she must be a naturally accomplish Occlumens. Our fear and numbing spells don't affect her because her mind is guarded. So she sleeps. Useless, at best, I say."

Rodolfus's eyes narrowed and a sickening grin spread across his face, filling Delia's gut with a chilling sense of dread. Whatever he was about to say, she knew didn't want to hear it. And she knew she _really_ didn't want Voldemort to hear it. "Unless of course _you_ broke her my lord," he suggested. "Few things are as inspiring as watching you work," he added with a maniacal glint in his eye.

His dark, empty eyes still focused intently on Delia, calculating, Voldemort did not answer at first. "Not yet," he answered, his voice oddly cool and unconcerned. He turned slowly back to face the men. Spotting the first man still shivering against the dark tiles he extracted his wand from the folds of his draping cloak. "_Crucio!"_

With a shock Delia was back in her own body, heaving for breaths and sweating heavily through freezing cold. _Break me,_ she shuddered, _I can't let them do that. But Voldemort doesn't seem to want to hurt me,_ she pondered, _for some reason he wants to leave me alone, for now anyways. What's he waiting for?_

And with all the grace of a blooming flower, a plan began to develop in Delia's brain. If they were right about her, if she truly were a natural Occlumens…_it just might work_.

A/N:

So this is a pathetically short chapter but I know the next one will be impossibly long so I thought I'd get this up and hopefully one or two people are still interested in this story. If so, reviews please. I need a lot of encouragement to get to writing the next bit because it's quite daunting.


	16. Deals with Devils

Author's Note:

Chances are, none of my once faithful readers are still interested in this story, or even still have fanfiction accounts. It's been years since I've updated, so don't worry, I would leave me too. But if you are reading this—and you must be, because otherwise you wouldn't know I was asking if you were—I put far too much time into this story and it's predecessor to just drop it so close to the end. So I'm determined to finish.

However, I'm still unsure where I want it to go so suggestions, as always, are more than welcome. At the moment I have no outline and I'm quite literally making it up as I go, which may have something to do with why updates are so few and far between. I don't want to write crap for the sake of writing something so I wait for inspiration to strike, and with college, work, another in-progress fan fiction, and some seriously fucked up shit in my personal life, inspiration has been somewhat lacking of late. So please, if you have some brilliant ending in mind please PM me. No promises I'll use it verbatim but it could get the old wheels a-turnin' if you know what I mean. Anywho, I've rambled long enough. Here's yet another excruciatingly long awaited chapter:

Ch. 16 – Deals with Devils

When Delia awoke she knew immediately that there was someone else in the room. And she knew it was him. The Dark One.

She kept her eyes closed and attempted to keep her breathing normal, but for the first time she understood the complete lack of control her friends had over their body when the waves of fear swept through the room. All the hair on her body was standing on end and she started shivering in spite of her self.

_Well, he knows I'm awake now so I might as well face him_, she thought to herself, but nothing could have prepared her for the true horror of the man in front of her.

Delia sucked in her breath sharply at the sight of him, terrifying in her trance state, he was the human embodiment of fear in person. With red, glinting eyes and slits for nostrils, he looked like a snake, his extreme pallor seeming to emanate a glow of its own, reflecting the white lights in the room. He was tall and thin, but she never for a moment thought of calling him frail; his very presence radiated pure, raw power.

Remembering her plan, Delia closed her eyes, not needing to feign her fear. She took a deep breath and willed herself out of her body, controlling herself like a puppet but separating her consciousness from her physical form. _It's lucky_, she thought, _I didn't even know I could do this till now. I never tried to visit myself_.

_I've never needed to,_ she realized as an afterthought.

"You are extremely difficult to place, Miss Namorn," he said. "When we first brought you and your friends in you sparked something in my memory, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it." Delia shuddered, both physically and mentally as he unfolded one pale, spidery hand from the depths of his cloak and tapped a finger on his chin thoughtfully.

"But then it hit me, a family in France. Phillips, I think it was…" he trailed off delicately, relishing the look of horror that was slowly spreading over her face. "You'll be glad to know he died honorably, unlike his pathetic excuse for a father. He even tried to fight me, for all of thirty seconds I might add, but he knew it was over so he just grabbed a photograph and stared at it as he waited for the death blow." Lord Voldemort smiled cruelly. "He may have even said something sentimental, but I can't quite remember now." He shrugged in a mockery of an apologetic gesture.

"Once he was dead I was over taken by curiosity, as I am wont to do from time to time," he continued. "So I pried the frame from his fingers but was disappointed to see nothing but a picture of an unremarkable dark haired girl in a hat." Delia remembered the picture well; she'd given Robbie the frame for his fourteenth birthday. "But you aren't unremarkable at all, now are you?" Lord Voldemort asked with a nasty glint of hunger in his eyes.

Instantaneously Delia's plan changed. _He knows_, she thought. She had been intending to just play dumb and try to sneak out somehow, but she realized that she would never succeed at that now. She didn't know how, or how much, but she was certain Voldemort realized she had some power that made her unaffected by their fear magic.

"So is that what this room is for?" She asked, surprised how calm her voice sounded. "To satisfy your curiosity?"

Voldemort's eyes widened in pleasure at her apparent ease in his presence, his laugh sending horrifying chills up and down her spine. "Oh, you are a fascinating creature," he chuckled, the sound distorted and off.

"Curiosity killed the cat," she answered blandly, shocked to find herself almost bantering with the most evil wizard—no, person—to live in a century.

Voldemort continued to shake his head, a vague and sinister smile playing at his lips. "We're going to have fun together, you and I," he said, walking through a door that disappeared as soon as he passed.

_I don't want to know what that means_, Delia thought, curling up on her side and closing her eyes.

o.0.o

"LEGILIMENS!" For what had to be the fiftieth time, Delia watched her body get thrown back on the floor and twitch uncomfortably as Lord Voldemort attempted to break through her mental barriers. He could have no way of knowing that her mind wasn't in her body, that he might as well have been pointing his wand at the wall for all the good it would do.

She knew that when he left the room and she returned to herself she would be bruised and sore but for now all she could do was watch, occasionally sending a flittering of a memory back into her body, just half a glimpse of some meaningless moment to make him think he was making progress.

After half an hour he stopped and studied his wand contemplatively but she could see the frustration burning in his eyes. She hated to think what would happen when that frustration overcame his "curiosity." She was fairly certain her out-of-body existence wouldn't weather avada kedavra as well as legilimency. She realized she had to do something, to change his tactics. She had to be gutsy to convince him that she had the cruelty to do what she was about to suggest.

She started laughing, forcing the sound out of lips that hadn't made it in what was probably months. She rolled around on the floor like a madwoman, cackling away, stinging tears streaming from her eyes. "You really can't do it," she gasped, grinning insanely up at him. "You can't get in! And what will happen to the curious cat if he doesn't get any satisfaction?" she asked, hoping he was familiar with the phrase as she burst into another fit of manic giggles.

"CRUCIO!"

Pain comes from nerve reactions telling the brain that something is wrong. So Delia faked shrieks of mind-numbing pain, if he knew she couldn't feel the torturing curse he would know there was more than occlumency at work. It's a good thing I have experience screaming like this, she thought grimly, remembering her reaction upon first learning that Robbie was dead. Recalling that unending, horrifying pain made it all too easy to make her cries sound real.

When he lowered his wand she quieted, panting and gasping, hugging her arms tight around herself and glaring up at him. "Now, now," she muttered in a haggard whisper. "There was no need to lose your temper. Where will that get us?"

His eyes widened in surprise at her nonchalance and she sighed inwardly with relief. _He thinks I've really lost it_, she thought.

"Are you, negotiating with me?" he asked, clearly not used to being confused.

Delia laughed again, the broken sound sending chills up her own spine. "No," she said in a sickly sweet voice, batting her eyelashes mockingly. "I want to spend the rest of my life wasting away in this miserable little room being your favorite toy."

Suddenly Voldemort laughed and the sound was far more frightening than anything that had ever come from her mouth. "Oh, you are proving to be delightful, aren't you?" he asked. "What makes you think I'd want to negotiate with you? As far as I can tell, I'm the only one with anything to offer."

Delia rocked forward and back, her eyes fixed on his however much she wanted to get as far as possible from that horrible gaze. Faster and faster she rocked, wondering how she was able to instinctively play the part of madwoman so well. _Maybe I am going crazy_, she thought to herself. _I feel sane enough, but who can tell_.

But she forced her features into a smile as she rocked nonetheless. "I'm powerful," she said, recognizing the glint of agreement in his eyes. "And seeing as you're still operating underground—quite literally in this case, I'd guess," she added, gesturing at the windowless walls. "I think you can use all the powerful witches and wizards you can get."

"Let's see," Voldemort mused, turning his back from her so she couldn't see his face. Somehow, this managed to make her even more petrified. "I killed your first boyfriend and his family. Then I kidnapped you and all your little friends and tortured them and you—though I suppose you wouldn't know I had all your friends too until now." He turned and grinned.

"I assumed," Delia answered, holding her breath.

"So why would you ever want to join me?" he asked.

She made a funny clicking noise in her throat, keeling over to her side but fixing her eyes on the long, wicked looking wand in his pale hand. "Because I want more," she whispered.

Voldemort smiled. "My, my, how alike we seem to be, Miss Namorn," he said.

His eyes drew hers and they were cold.

"I don't believe you."

Rather than slumping in defeat or leaping at him or any logical reaction to such a blatant rejection of her lie, she rolled onto her back, cackling again, spreading her limbs and laughing a full-bodied laugh to the ceiling. "Okay," she said, when she could manage it. _Only someone truly crazy would take a life sentence so_ gleefully, she thought. _I guess I am losing my mind._ She was surprised at how undisturbed she was by that fact.

She didn't hear him leave the room.

o.0.o

When Delia awoke she wasn't in the White Room. She was in a bedroom, an exquisitely decorated bedroom.

Heavy drapes hung over windows, blocking almost all the light, as she squinted she discovered they were a deep red, scarily similar to blood. The room was filled with dark brown furniture, bulky but carved with elegant ivy patterns. A vase of some dark purple flower she didn't recognize sat on the armoire across from her. The duvet cover on top of her was soft and thick and matched the curtains perfectly. But the real masterpiece in the room was a massive, heavy looking bronze-framed mirror, the two cherubs carved into the top of the frame seeming to stare at her from frightening, darkened eyes.

_Where am I?_ she wondered, sitting up and swinging her feet to the floor. Resting on a chair near the bed was a small stack of clothes with a note on top that read in a sinister, spiraling script:

_For the girl in the hat_.

Underneath was a neat stack of the clothes she had worn in Robbie's picture, right down to the bright red beret she'd been wearing.

Of course, they couldn't be the actual clothes, she didn't have them anymore and surely they wouldn't fit her now and these clothes looked like they would fit perfectly. _He must have transfigured them to look just like my old ones_, she realized.

Delia quickly got dressed, noting that she was right in thinking these would fit, and placed the beret on her head, tilted to the right, the way a proper Parisian girl would wear it. Glancing quickly around the room, she felt the uncomfortable absence of her wand she hadn't felt in the White Room. Shrugging to herself, its not like she expected to get out of that room, let alone get her wand back, she walked to the door and opened it.

She was surprised to find it unlocked, but if they tried to keep her in she supposed she could just apparate. She didn't know if there were anti-apparation jinxes in place but she had a gut feeling there weren't. She was being tested and her friends would be killed if she failed the test.

Delia padded quietly down the hallway towards voices she heard in a study at the opposite end. Rather than knock and wait for admittance—she remembered she was supposed to be unhinged—she walked right through the door as though she lived there.

A dark man and woman started when she entered, clearly amazed at her abrupt appearance and uncaring demeanor. She plopped herself in an armchair in front of a desk that looked like it matched the furniture in her room. She looked expectantly at the woman seated behind the desk and then at the man standing across from her, as though she expected them to carry on their conversation with her. _This would actually be rather fun if I weren't so terrified of what he's probably doing to my friends without me there_, she observed.

"So you're up," said the man with a cruel sneer, looking at her as though she was something slimy he had stepped in. "About time."

Delia allowed her head to roll to the side as she studied him in silence for several long moments. He squirmed under her unflinching gaze until finally she looked towards to woman. "Got any food?" she asked before she even realized how ravenous she was.

The woman smiled, her hawk-like features sharpening. She was beautiful, Delia observed, but in a predatorial way. She realized that out of the two of them, the woman was the one Delia was going to have to look out for. "Downstairs," the woman said, standing and gesturing for Delia to lead the way.

Once again, Delia held her gaze for longer than was socially acceptable, then stood and made her way to the door as though she'd done it a thousand times.

The stairs were wide and more airy than she expected; she was clearly in some kind of mansion. Delia wondered vaguely if the man and the woman were married but quickly dismissed the idea, she wouldn't settle for a weak, power starved man like him.

"The dining room is to your right," the woman instructed from above when Delia reached the last step so she veered in a funny sort of swooping pattern across the foyer, seemingly unsteady on her feet. Delia heard the man scoffing behind her but ignored him, entering a dining room just as richly decorated as the rest of the house and plopping herself at the head of a fantastically long dining table.

The man dropped ungraciously into a chair to the right of her as the woman lowered herself delicately into the one on the left. Delia noted the way she perched on the edge of her seat, never fully settled, never entirely at ease. _This is a woman who has seen a lot of the world_, she mused.

A stream of house elves, each more pathetic than the next, paraded by her, bearing plates heaping with fantastic smelling food. Delia wondered vaguely if it had been poisoned but came to the conclusion that regardless, they could kill her if they wanted to. That in mind she selected a heaping stack of pancakes and dug in with relish. She noticed that neither of her companions was eating but she ignored this, focusing only on the fact that she would need this food for energy if things turned nasty.

Ignoring the napkin next to her she wiped her hands and mouth of the table cloth, perhaps overdoing the insanity act but she didn't know what else to do. She thought about Sirius shrieking for her and Remus painfully transforming from man to wolf and back again and felt the craziness coming on. _Good_, she thought as she fought the need to gouge the woman's calculating eyes out of her face. _I need some authentic insanity to keep this up_.

She caught the eyes of the woman and held them. "So where's the Lord of the Snakes?" she asked recklessly.

The effect was immediate. The man leapt to his feet, his chair clattering to the floor and his wand directed at her throat. "You DARE!" he roared, thinking himself intimidating. Perhaps he would be without such a quietly powerful individual to compare him to. Delia ignored him—she'd known he'd do something dramatic of the sort—and instead held the gaze of the woman, knowing her next move would be in those eyes.

She saw a flicker of shock, then anger, and then—her heart leapt at the sight—acceptance. For now at least, this woman was beginning to believe that Delia really was insane. "Sit down, Magnor," she ordered. "Our guest doesn't know how things work around here. It's only good manners that we explain before we go jinxing her into an even further state of insanity."

A few house elves hurried to right the fallen chair and Magnor—Delia remembered him from the Dark Room now, Voldemort had tortured him—huffed but sat.

"As you now know, this is Magnor," the woman gestured to the man but Delia refused to look away. "I am Bellatrix. You are in my home, mine and my husband's." Her voice was calm but strict; it rather reminded Delia of McGonnagall on the first day of term, laying down the law for her class. She had a feeling punishment here wouldn't involve House Points or writing lines.

"Currently, at the request of our master, the Dark Lord, you are our guest," Bellatrix continued. "However that arrangement is continuous only in the event that you," she paused for heightened drama but Delia kept her face unfazed. "Behave yourself." She paused again, waiting for interruption. Delia stayed silent. "You are expected to show respect for your betters, _particularly_ the Dark Lord."

Delia waited to see if she would continue but Bellatrix stayed silent. It was clearly her turn to speak. She picked up her knife and started sawing at the beautiful carving on the armrest of her chair, blatantly not 'behaving.'

"Right," she answered monotonously. "So can I have my wand back now?" she asked, sure she'd get a negative but figuring it was worth asking, to see where she stood.

It was a battle to keep the amazement from her eyes when Bellatrix wordlessly produced Delia's wand from her sleeve and held it out, handle first, but she succeeded. Magnor made a funny noise in his throat as though he wanted to protest but thought better of it. Ignoring him again, Delia had to force herself to move naturally as she reached out and grasped it, as though she'd been sure all along all she'd needed do was ask.

She allowed her eyes to light up as her fingers clenched the handle possessively—she was supposed to be power-hungry after all—and several shimmering silver sparks spewed from the end, much as they had in Olivander's shop six years before. Pointing her wand at an elaborate and clearly valuable vase in the middle of the table she silently cast a spell that transfigured it into pure steam that quickly dissipated into the air.

Bellatrix chuckled, a sound almost as awful as Voldemort himself's laugh. "I never liked that one myself," she said, shrugging. "But if you're so eager to use your wand again, perhaps it's time to put you to your first test." She nodded to Magnor. Finally looking at him, Delia noticed with worry that he looked happy for the first time that morning.

She hid her concern as he left however and continued destroying parts of the ornate room at random, a candlestick here, a picture frame there, the head of a cupid carved into the fireplace, all the while testing the bounds of Bellatrix's patience. The older woman did not intervene however, seemingly amused at Delia's show of childish petulance.

It was only when she heard Magnor approaching, clearly dragging something heavy that Delia stopped the meaningless destruction.

She had only moments to register a ragged and clearly broken man being deposited on the floor before her before Delia heard Bellatrix's voice as though it came through a poorly transmitted radio. She said only two words. "Kill him."

Hesitation would mean immediate death for her and impending death for her friends. Delia raised her wand immediately, lazily, all the while maintaining her bored facial expression as every nerve in her body screamed for her to stop, but this wasn't about self preservation anymore. Even if she hatched some scheme to save her friends and pull it off, she'd spend the rest of her life running from Voldemort and his supporters. No, this was bigger than saving her already irreparably scarred soul.

"Avada Kedavra."

A/N: Sorry not sorry. You've waited so long and I'm sure many of you will be horrified with this turn of events but it is what it is. So our 'heroine' is a cold blooded murderess. Do you hate me now? Love me? Couldn't care less cause why would you read a story that hasn't been updated in two and a half years? Let me know.


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